Without You, I'm Just Me

"We sound fucking terrible."

"Worse than a cover band."

"I forgot how to play the line in Dance, Dance."

"How did you forget it?! You wrote and played it more than a million times!"

This was it. The hard times. You know they were coming, you have to accept it, and that's what we're doing.

Patrick rented a place to record for him and Andy to crash, and work on drumming and rhythm; that's were we were then. We practiced and it was like when we first started the band; awkward, missing chords, Patrick forgetting the lyrics and Joe getting frustrated, then heading out back to smoke some weed to clear his head. Believe me when I say this, it's not as bad as you would think; were in this and if we wanted to really give up, Joe would've left a long time ago.

"I'm gonna go order some food," Andy set his drumsticks down and sat up, "want anything?"

"Nah," I shook my head.

"No, I'm good," Patrick waved.

Andy left the room, so it was just me and Patrick. He mindlessly strummed his guitar, while I took my bass off and set it down and then sat on the couch set on the corner. It was one of Patrick's couches from when he was living out here; he moved all of his furniture from storage into this place.

"Where's Naomi?" Patrick asked me.

"She's doing that big interview," I told him, "that's why I got the boys. They shot some stuff with her and kids and now they're doing the interview."

"Is she nervous?"

"Yeah," I hummed. "But, you know, it's nothing to really worry about."

Patrick stood closer by me; the only sounds was his strumming echoing on the room, and the sound of video games and cheers from the living room where the boys were. The day had felt like it was long, but well worth it and I was loving it. It felt good coming back together, stranger, but really fucking good.

"Daddy," Benji came in, rubbing his eye, "I'm hungry and Patrick don't got anythin' good ta eat."

I chuckled as I waved him over and sat him on my lap, "Andy's ordering some food, maybe he'll share with you."

He made a face, "Nuh-uh, I don't like his food. It tastes weird."

I patted his back, "Okay, lemme go see if Joe wants anything and we'll go get some food. Go put your shoes on."

Benji rushed off; Patrick looked at me, "I think it's creepy how much he looks like you."

I laughed, stood and stretched, "You and everyone else, man."


We ate and practiced for a few more hours before the boys were restless and wanted to go home. Joe was crashing at my place, so we all left and headed back home after. When we got home, we saw that all the trucks and camera crew were gone.

"Thank God," Joe mumbled to himself. "I don't think I can handle being spacey with a camera near me."

Joe and Lewy went up to the house first while I got Benji, who had fallen asleep on the way home, and carried up to the house. He hung onto me, mumbling things in his sleep; Naomi was waiting when I went in, smiling softly, "Hey, how was practice? Joe said you guys sound fucking terrible."

I laughed and let her take Benji, "I'd be lying if I say Joe's a liar. Yeah, we suck right now."

She giggled, "The magic hasn't happened yet, but it will."

I followed her upstairs and to Benji's room; Naomi told me Joe and Lew were gonna watch Star Wars in the living room. She put Benji on his bed and began to undress him; "How was the interview?"

She sighed casually, "I cried. I laughed. It...was okay, not the worst thing I've ever done, I hope that this helps other people, you know?"

"Yeah," I went to Benji's dresser and got his pajamas, "here."

"Thanks."

After putting Benji to bed, me and Naomi went down to the kitchen. I told her about practice and how bad we sounded, and then she told me about the interview. She was still kinda nervous about it, and she kept telling me everything she said and told.

"It's gonna air in 4 weeks," she said, exhaling, "I don't think I can watch it."

"It'll be fine," I patted her back.

She smiled at me, "I hope so. Anyway, it was alright...I'll be New York when it does."

"You're leaving again?" I asked her.

"Yeah," she answered, "Mia just called...I've got a shoot there, down in SoHo."

I was getting a little frustrated with her leaving all the time, but I couldn't tell her that. I couldn't tell her that I hated when she left, especially leaving me alone with the kids. Naomi had done the same thing, but she never told me that she didn't want me to go.

"What?" She touched my hand, "Are you upset?"

I shook my head, lying, "Nah, I just...we just got back, that's all."

"I'm only gonna be gone for 4 days, I'll be right back," she smiled. "I can understand that raising those two little monsters is hard work, but you've got Joe, Andy and Patrick here to help. Rae and Ricky are coming in August; she's opening a salon with me, and Ricky is gonna get into assistant living with old people."

I chuckled, "You're gonna open a salon?"

"We're gonna put our money together," she said, "Rae is good enough to manage it all, she's just tired of sharing a station in Chicago and she misses us. She called today."

I exhaled, "You're right about me having help from the guys, I just miss you, that's all."

"Aw," she cooed and stood, "I miss you too. This is kinda like payback," she sat in my lap, then wrapped her arms around my neck, "back when you used to leave me for tour."

I smirked, "Yeah, you're right."

She kissed my cheek, "I'm sorry I have to leave, but this is my job...and the boys are having the best time with you."

I nodded, "Yeah...I'm having the best time too."


The week Naomi was gone, Andy took the boys to play laser tag, while me, Joe and Patrick stayed at my place and watch her Oprah special. Honestly, I was nervous about it too. I was nervous for Naomi, wondering how this would be edited together and how producers made her out to be. She was the top trending topic on Twitter that night.

It started, and you know, it was okay. Oprah came in and she and Naomi went around the house, the boys bounced in and out and then, it turned. Photos of Naomi and Robert flashed as Oprah's voice over explained that Naomi killed Robert in a desperate attempt to save her life. Then she said something about me, but I was so nervous about it, that I barely noticed; I saw pictures of me and Naomi, older pictures, and of the boys; she said something about us being together as teenagers.

The scene changed to Naomi and Oprah set up in our living room; "How did you meet Pete Wentz?"

Naomi smiled, "He lived next door to me. He was outside one day--the day after I moved in with my dad, and he came over and said hi and introduced himself to me."

The conversation went on about our ups and downs and our relationship. Naomi didn't tell everything, she just said how everything was complicated and about her dad hating me. It was pretty quick; after 10 minutes and a commercial break, Oprah got to the main point.

"Tell me how you met Robert."

Naomi was quiet for a moment, then she opened and closed her mouth a few times before she finally answered; "I had been fired from my teaching job over the Victoria's Secret catalogue I had done, and I was driving home, upset and crying, I was 7 months pregnant and I felt like everything was just...screwed. I had parked in the parking lot of Playlot park and just broke down. Robert saw me, knocked on my window and comforted me...that's how it all began."

"How was your relationship? How long did it take for you two to get together?" Oprah spoke quick, rushing out the questions.

Naomi inhaled, "Uh, maybe 8 months...uh, we were just friends, he was a sweetheart and I was falling hard for him...in the beginning, it was all good."

"How long did that last?"

"Maybe 6 months. Not long, I got hip to it, but I didn't stop it."

The guys and I looked at each other, but remained quiet. We watched the screen again, listening to Oprah talk about Naomi's career, showing pictures of her billboards and her holding hands with Robert.

"What was the first inkling--the first abusive thing he did to you?"

"He..." She paused, inhaling again. "Oh God," she whispered, then looked down, "he...he grabbed me, I don't remember why, but he grabbed my arm really hard, that he left fingerprint shaped bruises on my forearm."

"When did it get really bad?"

Naomi shut her eyes, I could feel her pain. Even through a screen, I could feel it. She started to tear up and was given tissues; she wiped her eyes, and made a joke about her mascara; "Um...it got bad after two years; by this time he was calling me names, shoving me, grabbing my hair. He tried to hit me places that people couldn't see, which was hard because," she laughed at this while sniffling, "I modeled underwear and swimsuits, so it was hard. He usually resorted to yelling at me, locking me in he bathroom or refusing to let me eat."

"Goddamn," Joe muttered; his eyes were glued to the screen, "I would've killed him too."

"It was 2009/2010 that I was really contemplating taking my life, I just couldn't do it anymore. I was lucky when Pete came back and was seeing the boys more; I knew that if I killed myself, he would be there for them."

"You tried, didn't you?"

Again, Naomi started to tear up; even me, Patrick and Joe teared up.

Oprah's voice over talked about me fighting Rob; our mugshots popped up.

Naomi exhaled, "He was calling me from jail and telling me how much it was all my fault, but he would tell me he was sorry and couldn't live without me. I knew it was all BS, so I told him so, and then he said he was gonna get someone to kill me..."

"What did you think then?"

"I'd have to beat him to the punch. If he wanted me dead, I would do it myself. I thought I was already a bad mom for letting him hit and rape me in front of my kids, I should just end it all. I drank some vodka and took some pain killers and waited...Pete found me."

I got up then, I didn't want to hear anymore. I dunno why, I knew nearly everything, I just didn't want to hear it. Maybe I would've gotten mad again, I don't know. All I knew was I had to leave that room and call Naomi.

"Hey babe, what's up?"

My stomach knotted when I heard her voice, "I just wanted to talk to you," I said quickly.

"Oh," she murmured, "well, I'm packing up some stuff, my flight leaves the day after tomorrow, on time. How's everything going over there? How are the boys?"

I licked over my lips, "Andy took 'em out," I told her, quietly, "me...Joe and Patrick are watching your interview. I couldn't--I don't wanna watch it anymore."

Naomi was quiet then, "Why not?"

"I don't wanna see you cry, I don't wanna hear any of it."

"I had to do it, you know," she muttered.

"I'm not mad or anything...I just hate seeing you cry. I've already lived through that nightmare with you, and hearing it again will only make me want to dig Rob up and beat his ass."

"It's okay, Pete, you don't have to watch it," her voice was soft, "just talk to me while I finish packing these clothes I don't need."

"I miss you," I told her, "I can't wait until you get home."

"Me either, babe."

Me and Naomi talked for a good hour before she went to bed. I had missed the rest of the show, Joe and Patrick didn't talk about it, they just told me how much Naomi's story will help other people. I agreed with that, other women and girls will know what to do when they're with some freak of nature.

When Naomi finally came home, we didn't even talk about it then. I just hugged her, held her until I couldn't anymore. I love her so much, and the thought of almost losing her made the need to have her more intense.

I never want to be without her...


The weeks passed like sand through my fingers. The months went by us in a blur. Naomi came and gone like crazy, racking up miles, while me and the boys stayed in LA, hanging out with Bear, and we'd take him to the park. She spent a lot of time talking to women in similar situations like hers, and doing some interviews; I'm really proud of her for doing all that. With us, most of the weekends the boys had play dates with the neighbors' kids while I practiced with the band. Joe and Marie had come and stayed with us, Andy and Patrick lived together, and Sabrina came to visit a lot.

It was in the middle of August when Rae and Ricky showed up; by this time, Joe and Marie got an apartment near Patrick and Andy, so Rae and Ricky stayed with us. We all hung out (me, Naomi, Patrick, Sabrina, Rae, Ricky, Joe, Marie and Andy; along with the boys) and had dinners at our place. The guys and me never went out in public; we didn't want to let everyone know of the reunion just yet.

We had to tell the label, way after we had about 4 songs done and recorded. We told them that we wanted to keep it quiet; all the people who had been there since the beginning were the only ones who knew about us getting back together, so telling anyone we didn't have a relationship with was out of the question. We had explained all of what we wanted, and they agreed; they were so fucking excited to have us back, they'd do anything we'd ask them to. It was more than exciting and equally surprising.

Just as we got the label behind us, there was a buzz coming around. Someone told someone else, and so on and so on, so skewed versions of us reuniting was posted everywhere. Of course we denied it, we told everyone it was lies, Joe was the one who handled it best. Naomi was even asked on some fashion show on TV, and she looked dead at the interviewer and said: "Pete isn't interested in doing band stuff right now. He's Mr. Mom at the moment, taking care of our kids...I dunno if the guys will ever get back together...I wouldn't hold my breath."

So, we just denied it, and everyone took it as it was.

In September, we hooked up with a few people, got into a real studio and worked on our songs. We got special guests; Patrick flew to Atlanta to work with Elton John. I contacted Foxes, this English singer who Naomi was listening to on YouTube, and got me into her, and I told her how much we like her, asked if she wanted to work together and she agreed. So, me and Patrick booked tickets to England to meet and record with her, set for November.

Everything was falling into place.