You Can Fight Fate, You Just End Up Losing

We spent the summer soaking up the sun at her parents house before we had to go back to school, Addie to Chicago and me to Wisconsin. I was back at the house in Madison and I missed Addison already, spending everyday with her was great I missed it. We were mid way through the semester when she told me about this great guy that she met, a med student. She literally ran into him on campus and they hit it off. I should be happy for her, but I can’t shake the feeling of jealousy that I’ve had since the second she called me. I should be fine with it, we’re friends and I have Kelsey still, I should be fine with it.

“Tan!” I heard behind me as I walked up my front steps. “Tanner Luc Letang! Look at me!”

“Addie! What are you doing here?” I said as she ran into my arms. She looked amazing. Black yoga pants and an oversized crew neck sweatshirt, her hair in loose curls and her makeup simple and fresh.

“I told you that I was coming last time we talked remember?” she said holding me tight to her. She’s warm and comforting like home.

“We didn’t talk that long, you were about to go out with the Doctor.” I opened the door and let her in.

“He’s not a doctor yet, and I told you I would be here so I am.”

“You always are . . . So the Doctor. . .”

“The doctor’s name is Neil. And he’s a good guy Tanner, he’s nothing like any of the guys I’ve dated. He’s a good guy and we’ve been together for almost 2 months now. It’s good.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt Addison.”

“If he hurt’s me you have my permission to kick his life saving ass. And that’s HUGE considering he saves lives. You have my permission to kick a mans ass who saves peoples lives.”

“Well, fine. How long are you here?”

“The weekend. You have a game right Tan?”

“Tomorrow yea. You’re going to come?”

“Of course I’m going to come Tanner. I didn’t drive all the way here to sit in your living room while you play hockey it’s not possible for the daughter of Sidney Crosby to not watch a game. I mean come on Tan you’ve known me my whole life.”

“True.”

“Yo Tanner, we’re out of milk man . . . Well hello beautiful.”

“Hello to you too Mike!”

“I haven’t seen you since you walked away from me in the club. What the hell happened to you?”

“Tanner’s an idiot. That’s what happened.”

“Gottcha.”

“I’m not a complete idiot” I said holding Addie to my side.

“Good thing Kelsey isn’t here. She’d try very hard to beat you up” Mike said smiling at Addie.

“And fail miserably . . .” she finished for him. It was true, Adds could kick any guys ass just as easy as any other guy. She’s scrappy but impossibly sweet at the same time. She can say the meanest thing possible but in her tone of voice you would think she was being sarcastic and joking around with you. Except when she really meant it her eye twitched and her hands were clenched in fists. She has a hockey temper, on one minute off the next.

“Alright Adds, we both know you could kick her ass. You did learn to fight from hockey players.”

“True . . . Had to make sure I could defend myself” she said fake punching me.

“I have class” Mike said grabbing his bag and heading out of the door.

“Alright sparky” I said grabbing onto her wrists holding them to her side.

“I could so take you right now Tan” she said stepping closer pulling her hands up to my chest pushing me slightly.

“Yea you probably could” I said softly, before throwing her over my shoulder earning a yelp from her. “But at this moment I have the upper hand” I added dropping her on the couch. She brought her leg behind me kicking the back of my knee making me fall on top of her.

“I win” she said in a sweet voice. “But you’re a big oaf and you’re squishing me now.”

“You should have thought about that before you made me fall on you.”

“Tanner” she said, “You really are squishing me.” Her breathing was heavy, she felt good under me, her hair falling around her face she looked soft and angelic.

“Sorry Adds” I said moving over so less of my weight was on her. “Have you ever thought about what would have happened if I had followed you to Toronto?”

“Yes” she whispered.

“What did you think would have happened?”

“I don’t know what would have happened, but I didn’t think that we would be in a fight and yelling at each other over a month later in my parents kitchen. I didn’t think that you’d still be with Kelsey.”

“Meaning? What do you mean Addie?”

“I don’t like her Tanner, she’s no good for you. She makes you say stupid things and do stupid stuff. You’re not you when you’re with her. You’re not the boy I’ve known my whole life, who I’ve loved my whole life when she’s around.”

“It that true.”

“Why would I lie to you about that?”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me this sooner?”

“Because any sooner you wouldn’t have believed me.”

“You are amazing, you know me too well Adds.”

“Better than you know yourself. But you know me too well too Tan.”

“True” I said staring down at her. “You’re my best friend and I love you Addie.”

“I love you too Tanner, always have, always will.”

“I forgot my . . . Oh geeze sorry” Mike said walking into the living room. “Apparently you’re best friends with some benefits.”

“Dude just leave” I said looking away from Addison. Mike grabbed his laptop from the coffee table and walked back out of the house shaking his head as he left.

“Tan please” she whispered. “As insanely comfortable as this is, and it really shouldn’t be, I need you to let me go.”

“Why is this so comfortable?”

“I don’t know” she said looking as confused as I felt. “I wish I knew.”

“Me too” I replied tracing her features lightly. “Addie, you know me too well. You’re like the second half of me.”

“Tanner” she whispered, I brought my face closer to hers, I have to know what it feels like, her lips on mine. Her breath warm and minty against my face, I had to so I acted. Her lips were soft, and strong, she was kissing me back and something about it felt ridiculously awesome.

“Addie, you’re . . .”

“Tanner, I’m with Neil and you have Kelsey” she said in a sad voice.

“Addie, you’re amazing, and beautiful. I love you Addison.”

“I love you too.”

“Then why does it matter?”

“Because I’m not the kind of girl who cheats Tanner. I love you I do but I have Neil.”

“Addie.”

“Tanner” she said her voice strained.

“You don’t mean it.”

“Tan” she said tearing up.

“You can’t mean that Addie. I know you don’t mean that. You love me . . .” she nodded sitting up in the middle of the couch, “You love me.”

“This is what I thought would happen.”

“This is what you thought would happen. . . What did you think would happen?”

“You would show up in Toronto at the hotel we always stay at eat all the pillow chocolates.”

“Those are the best” I joked slightly before realizing that I wish I had gone to Toronto. “I should have gone to Toronto. I should have followed you.”

“It’s too late for that Tan. It’s too late for that to happen. You’re with Kelsey and I am with Neil” she said tears rolling down her face.

“You don’t want to be anymore. You don’t want that Addie.”

“No Tanner. We have to pretend that this isn’t happening. That you don’t love me, You have to pretend this didn’t happen and we can go on about our lives. Tanner please.”

“Addie is that really what you want? Is it really?”

“Of course not. But we can’t.”

“Stop talking about how we can’t do this” I said taking her face in my hands. “Addison I love you. So stop saying that we can’t do this. I know that you love me.”

“How, how do you know that I love you?” she asked searching for something.

“Addie, my Addie, you know how to phrase the worst things in the best possible way to spare my feelings. You call me on my shit and keep my ego from getting out of control. If you didn’t love me you wouldn’t care about messing everything up. You’re scared Addison, and it’s ok.”

“I am scared . . .” she mumbled. “You’re my best friend what if it all gets messed up?”

“It will be fun with you Adds. Even if it’s messy, with you, it will be amazing.”

“Are you just saying that?”

“No. Break up with Neil, Addison. Break up with him and I’ll break up with Kelsey. And we can try this.”

“Try Tanner?”

“It’s worth it isn’t it?”

“Is it? Tan is it worth it? Is it worth possibly ruining our friendship? Because if you think it is then I’ll give it a try. I’ll give us a try.”

“I think it is. I want to try this” I answered pulling her face to mine again her mouth an inch from mine, “I want to try this Adds.”

“Yea?” she said letting the tears cascade down her beautiful face. “Tanner. I love you, I’ve loved you my whole life.”

“I love you too. So much. And I’m an idiot for not knowing it sooner.”

“I told you that you’re an idiot” she laughed slightly before closing the tiny gap between us her small delicate hands grabbing onto my shirt holding me as close as she could. “I love you, you’re an idiot but I love you.”

“I’m sorry I’m an idiot.”

“Don’t be” she whispered with a laugh resting her head on my chest. Her hair smelled like lavender and felt like silk against my face. Sitting back against the couch I pulled her into my lap

“I’m glad that you’re here Addie” I said running my fingers through her hair.

“I’m glad I’m here too” she replied running her hand up my arm.

“Adds” I sighed, “this feels right.”

“It’s comfortable and warm” she added. “So comfortable.”

We sat there on the couch, her on my lap her head resting on my chest, I’ve never felt this comfortable. Never with anyone besides her.