Watch You Take The Fall

For a month after that, I fought to keep a smile on my face. It was fake, obviously, but a smile nonetheless. Tour had been hectic, more so than it usually was. I took on more and more work, slowly burying myself in it. I found no other way to keep myself busy and out of the constant glares of Kate. She had expressed her distaste of the fact that I was permanently here more times than I cared to count. I didn’t care. I had more important things to be spending my time thinking about than her judgmental attitude. I’d taken on so much extra work that Flyzik had nothing left to do. He joined in the antics of the other inhabitants of the bus, but sometimes wandered around looking lost. I didn’t blame him. If I had my work taken from me, I’d be aimless too. But I kept myself preoccupied with work that needed doing. It stopped my thoughts from emerging, during the day at least. I didn’t sleep much at night, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. If I slept, all I would do is dream of him and the hospital that I last saw him in. The sight haunted me and I couldn’t get away if I wanted to. Consequently, I had thick bags under my eyes. My movements were sluggish and I rarely spoke. I practically never ate, only nibbles of food here and there when I was forced to. Apparently I was “wasting away”. I’d lost weight, I knew that much. I just didn’t care, nor did I have the time to. I pretended not to see the glances that were sent my way. I didn’t want anyone’s sympathy or pity or worry. I wanted things to be the way they were, before this all happened.
It was a Monday when we arrived in Sheffield. It was raining, obviously. The bus had been travelling constantly overnight and I’d been awake the entire time, looking over the merch receipts and making notes that I would feed into my laptop when I had a spare moment. I felt like I’d barely started when I looked up and saw the familiar landscape approaching. Despite the fact that it was only half five in the morning, I decided to get ready. Today would be the biggest one I’d had to face all tour. We had the day off, and it would be spent boxing my possessions up, turning in my key to my landlord, meeting up with my boys from Bring Me The Horizon, and tell them everything that I’d missed out, everything including Pat (Asking Alexandria had packed their shit up and moved out to America about a month after I left on Warped) before handing off my boxes to a haulage and delivery company where it would be sent to the apartment that I would be renting in Baltimore, about five minute’s walk away from Alex and Rian’s house, and half an hour from Flyzik’s. Finally, we’d make it back to the bus where we’d get ready before going out to dinner as a family. A loud, messy, unrelated family, but a family nevertheless.
I changed from my pyjamas to my clothes quietly and without drama. I pulled on a plain black tank top underneath a Glamour Kills sweatshirt. My skinny jeans were black, as they normally always were, and I had the bathroom door locked as I peered into the mirror, observing the bags under my eyes, sure signs of my lack of sleep. Everyone on the tour had noticed, All Time Low and the crew, along with The Maine and theirs. It was a small tour, meaning that everyone on it became close in a small amount of time. It was impossible not to, really. You spend every waking moment with them, providing you were awake at the same times as them. No, everyone had noticed and as much as I ignored it, my fatigue was a topic of discussion amongst the tour. I pulled at my face slightly, wincing at the mess I’d let it become. Before long, I was ready to go, prepared to stumble through the day with a mask of happiness firmly painted on my face.
I stepped out of the bathroom and into the hub of activity that the bus had apparently become as I was changing. Surely I hadn’t been in there that long? Alex, Jack, Rian, Zack, Matt, Vinny and Colussy were all sat up in the front area, exchanging quiet conversation and looking at the scenery through sleep muddled eyes. I shuffled through and joined them, waving as I sat back where I was before. I put my feet up on the small table in front of me, absorbed in a strand of fluff hanging off of one of my socks. Slowly, though, a small smile made its way onto my face.
“How come you’re so happy, Miss?” I heard Alex ask through a mouthful of cereal. I looked up at him as I spoke.
“I’m home.” Was all I said. The few around me returned my smile, probably the only real one I’d shown them in months. It was true, Sheffield was my home. I’d only lived there since I was 16, so 4 years, but it was where I felt drawn to, a comforting feeling.
Soon enough, it was almost seven in the morning, and we traipsed off the bus and towards my apartment building. The walk wasn’t long from the car park, I’d say around half an hour. I walked at the head of the group, not speaking, just taking in the cold air around me and the sounds that I’d grown to associate with Sheffield.
We reached my apartment with no hassle. I went through a few details with my landlord, Matt, who was waiting at my door. I’d see him later that day to hand in my key and to claim back my deposit that I had set down on the first day of my tenancy, but we spoke as though it were the last time we’d see each other again.
“I’m going to miss you Sierra.”
“How can you miss me? I was never really here in the first place.”
“Well we all knew when you were. The amount of noise complaints I got about you is ridiculous.”
“Then people should get better sound-proofing.”
“I guess they won’t be needing to now.”
“You never know who’s getting this flat after me. Hell, it might be one of the Bring Me lads. I think Lee’s looking for a new place.” I laughed as Matt turned from me to smack his head against the wall a few times, no doubt terrified of having to deal with more noise complaints.
“Well, I’ll leave you to it then. I’d help but I’m a lazy shit.”
“I’ll drop the key off once we’re done. I’ll see you in a bit then.” I waved him off and turned to the group lounging behind me.
“I’d tell it’s messy but I think you expect that and don’t give a shit, so come on in.” And with that, I unlocked the door to my home, ushering everyone inside. The small living room was overflowing with people, clearly not designed for people with more than two friends.
“I’ve got no food or anything in; everything was eaten or thrown away before I left.” I shrugged, standing on the arm of a chair to get everyone’s attention. They all turned to me and Vinny spoke first.
“Me, Colussy and Grieco could go get some food and coffee?” And so a mile long list of orders was written up, me being the only person who wanted tea instead of coffee.
“Really? Tea?” Alex laughed at me.
“We’re back in England. England makes good tea. America does not. Therefore, I shall be drinking tea.” I said with mock seriousness. I accepted Alex’s hand as I jumped off the chair, dusting it off before remembering I didn’t care.
“So there’s four rooms to this flat, and I assume there’s going to be about ten of us packing at once at any time. There’s barely anything to pack from the bathroom, so leave that. That’s three rooms.” I calculated quickly before barking out orders.
“Matt, Jack, you two go and make a start on the kitchen. Rian and Grieco, you get started in here and Alex and I will pack up my bedroom. There are boxes everywhere, so that shouldn’t be too difficult to sort. As for posters, just take them down and stack them somewhere. I’ll sort them out later.”
“Alex and Sierra sitting in Sierra’s bedroom, k-i-s-s-i-“
“Shut the fuck up, idiot.” Alex and I said in unison in reply to Jack, flipping him off at the same time. I smiled slightly and headed off towards my bedroom, running my hand along the poster laden wall as I went. I entered my room and collapsed backwards onto my bed, head hitting the collection of skull decorated pillows. I sighed loudly and fixed my sight on the posters blu-tacked to the ceiling.
“So this is your room, huh?”
“Not anymore.”
“You don’t have to move out, you know. I mean, we’d all love it if you did, but this is your home. We’d be able to work something out if you wanted to stay.” I lifted my head to see Alex hovering in the doorway. Without thinking, I grabbed his hand, pulling him down next to me.
“This is my home, I know that. But Bring Me The Horizon is my home, Asking Alexandria is my home. Pat… well, Pat was my home. Anywhere that I’m attached to becomes my home. And as much as it pains me to be moving away from here, I know it’s time to move on. I already have a lifetime with memories with you and with the rest of the idiots out there. In some ways, you’re already my home. It doesn’t matter where I am, I guess, as long as I have the reminder of you with me.” I said it slowly, thinking over every word before I used it.
“I get that. You carry around memories of people who make you feel at home, so then you basically feel like you’re at home with them wherever you are.”
“Something like that.” We stayed in silence for a few minutes, it wasn’t awkward, we were just silent. The only noises were various crashes and bangs from around my flat and the faint rustling of our breathing. My vision seemed to be a lot clearer than it had been. I could see each and every tiny dust mite that floated around my room. Every colour that made up the posters above me was so much more vibrant than I could remember. It was peaceful, and I appreciated that. I revelled in the silence that was so hard to come by, both in the air and in my head. My thoughts weren’t troubling me. My head was empty, devoid of the visions that kept me up at all hours and prevented me from sleeping.
“Enough of this sappy bullshit, we have packing to do.” I hauled myself up and kicked Alex’s leg gently from where I stood. He reached up to grab my hand and I began to heave his fat arse from my bed, when he sharply pulled me down on top of him. I blushed furiously, something I’ve rarely ever done before, and rolled off him. However, he didn’t let me go very far. I was kept tight to his side as he wrapped his arms around me. For such a skinny person, he was stupidly strong. I yawned a little and nuzzled into his side slightly, trying to keep it as subtle as I could. I apparently failed, judging from the chuckle that escaped his mouth.
“Stop moving so fast and just go with it.” I smiled, a real smile, even though I knew he couldn’t see it. It didn’t matter whether or not he did. I smiled anyway.
*
The rest of the day, until 3pm at least, was spent packing and cleaning and organising and talking and singing and dancing and trying not to think so much. At 3 o’clock, we were all sat in a heap in my front room, hot and bothered despite the freezing air outside. My entire flat sat in boxes around us, posters in tubes. I made the decision not to ship my furniture across to Baltimore, instead opting to sell it and start over once I was there. It turned out cheaper, what with the shipping costs.
“Right,” I began softly “We need to get out of here. I’ll go hand my key in, the van’s already downstairs if you wouldn’t mind taking some stuff down for me? I’ll help as soon as I’m done.” Everyone rose to their feet as one, groaning slightly. I nodded and picked my backpack up, slinging it over my shoulder. I exited the flat, not bothering to close the door, as I exchanged a cold head-nod with my elderly next door neighbour. No doubt she’d spent the day eavesdropping on my conversations and the things that we yelled, planning to use it against me at some point in the future. I headed down the stairs, not bothering to wait for the lift to arrive on the fifth floor that my flat was located on. I tripped down the final two, unsurprisingly, and landed at Matt’s feet. I apologised profusely as I stood up again, holding out my key to him.
“So I guess you’re really going then?”
“I suppose so. I mean, I’m in England for another week but then I’m flying back out to America. Who knows what happens next.” He nodded, and neither of us felt that there was anything left to say. After a moment of just standing there, he grabbed me into a hug so tight I thought my head was going to pop off.
“Don’t forget the little people.”
“I’ll make sure to include you in my acceptance speech for being the most patient person in the world.” I muttered, remembering how frustrating everyone could be at times.
“As much as I don’t want to, I have to go. Sunday roast with the family and all that.” He said as he pulled back from our hug. I nodded and adjusted my sweatshirt and backpack, pulling my lip ring into my mouth.
“Hang on, before I forget, this is your post that you asked me to collect for you. I threw out all some of the ads.” I took the thick packet of letters from him and flipped through them slowly, seeing if there was anything of interest. The only thing that caught my eye was an envelope with the address handwritten. The stamp was from America, which I didn’t understand.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you then.”
“Hopefully.” He grinned, waved, turned and left. I trudged back up the stairs, standing out of the way for the stream of my friends carrying boxes. I cringed slightly in my head, feeling bad about taking their day off from them to pack my shit up. Alex was the last of the line.
“Stop it.” He said, not even pausing as he carried a box of books down the stairs.
“Stop what?”
“Feeling bad.” He yelled. I shook my head and carried on.
*
I didn’t expect a coffee shop to be empty at half five, but it was getting that way. I was seated around a small round table with the five boys that made it all possible, along with one of my other best friends, Tom. I was in-between Oli and Jona, facing both Matt’s, Lee and Tom.
“So what’s been going on in the world of Sierra?” Tom asked, leaning forwards onto his elbows.
“It’s kind of a long story, I guess.” I mumbled, taking another drink of the scalding Hot Chocolate I had ordered.
“We have time.” Jona replied.
“In brief, I ended up doing Warped Tour with a pop-punk band I’d never heard of. All Time Low? It was amazing, met some new friends, saw some old ones, got a permanent job out of it. I’m now co-tour manager, which is what I went out there to trial, I guess you could say. It was all brilliant.” I suppose they thought I’d finished, judging by the chatter that went up again as I paused for breath.
“How’s Pat doing these days then? I guess you’ll get to see him more, now that you’ll be in the same country.” I glanced down into my mug, making whirlpools of what remained.
“About Pat. There’s something you all really need to know. I’m so sorry it took me this long to tell you. It’s not exactly something that could be done over the phone.” I stopped again and forced myself to breathe. It’d been a while since I’d spoken of it.
“When I was in America, driving back to Baltimore, I got a call. Pat had been taken into hospital in Danville. They wouldn’t tell me what happened, just that I needed to get there. It just so happened that we were headed there, a hotel night, you know? Anyway, I got there eventually. I ran off the bus and into the hospital with my suitcase. I knew I wouldn’t be leaving for a while. In the end it turned out…” My voice trailed off, it was a surprise anyone could hear what I’d been saying, I’d been talking so quietly.
“What happened? Tell us.”
“He killed himself.” And that was that. I couldn’t find another way to put it, but it broke everyone down around me, even Jona, who had never met Pat looked shocked. Before I could open my mouth to talk, I was being jumped on, having the living shit hugged out of me.
“Why didn’t you tell us? We could have been there.”
“Like I said, it wasn’t something I could do over the phone.” And then we sat in silence for a while. Well, it wasn’t quite silence. We chatted amongst ourselves, but I think everyone was too scared of setting me off to really talk, which was ridiculous. They’d known me long enough to realise that I wouldn’t be set off easily, and if I did, you wouldn’t see it.
“I love you guys, but I have to go.” I pouted, checking the time on my phone.
“Please don’t go, we may never see you again.”
“Bit of an exaggeration, Oli, I’m sure we’ll cross paths. There’s always the internet, and I’ll keep in touch, I promise.” I hugged them all goodbye, and I’m sure I saw a few of them tear up a little. None of them tried to say that they were sorry, or give me sympathy, which I appreciated. I walked out of the little coffee shop with my head held high.
*
I threw my bag down onto the sofa when I got on the bus, watching a few people bumble around. I quickly followed suit of my backpack and sat down too, utterly shattered from the day I’d just had. I checked my phone, replying to a few texts that Lee and Tom had already sent me, despite the fact I’d only walked away from them twenty minutes ago. Then I remembered the pile of letters Matt had handed me earlier. I groaned as I realised that the majority would be bills, but then my mind ambled back to the handwritten letter in the midst of the bills. My hands shook slightly as I rifled through to find the envelope. Once I did, I settled back into the cushions, attempting to get comfortable. I slowly ripped open the top and began, not knowing what to expect from the letter.
Sierra,
I’ve never been the best with words, you know that. But, I feel as though I owe you an explanation.
First off, I have no idea where you’ll be when you get this letter, which explains why I’m sending it to England. With any luck, Matt’ll get it and somehow give it to you. You could be anywhere you want to be, living out your dreams the way everyone always wanted you to. I’m not standing in the way of that anymore.
I know that everyone will be telling you this, but you forget that I know you, Sierra. You’re stubborn and hard-headed and self-deprecating and you’ll be blaming yourself for this. This is not your fault. This is no-one’s fault but my own. This is my decision, because I’m the one that messed everything up. Please don’t blame yourself. By the time you’re reading this, I’ll already be gone. I’ll be happy, just not in the way that everyone expects. I’ll be with mum and dad and grandma Anne and granddad Joe and everyone else. I miss them, and I miss you.
Don’t give up, Sie. I know you’ll be close to freefalling back into what you did as a teenager and I’m begging you not to. You don’t need to hurt yourself over me. I’m not worth it. Find someone you love and hold them close. Be it Oli or Lee or Matt or Vegan or Jona or Curtis or Danny or Ben or James or Cam or Sam. I don’t care who, hell, it could even be that Alex person you keep telling me about. Don’t let them go once you’ve found them, Sierra. Don’t make the mistake that I did and realise how much they mean to you once they begin to slip away, because then they could be gone for good. You deserve so much more than to be by yourself.
I need to go now; this is getting too painful to write. The narcotics are taking their hold and the pen is slipping from my grasp. I understand if you hate me, I hate me too. But, if there’s one thing that you ever remember of me, let it be this; I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry. If you fall, don’t be too afraid to get back up again. You’ll be the brightest someday. I know it.
I’ll be watching over you always.
Love forever, your brother Pat James.