Watch You Take The Fall

I made it through dinner somehow. I stayed mostly silent, absentmindedly twirling spaghetti around my fork. If anyone thought that something was wrong, I didn’t notice. I didn’t quite know how to feel. I was shocked that I even had the letter, angry that I didn’t get more of an explanation, upset at the entire world, but more than that, I was tired. I was sick and tired of not knowing how to feel or how to act around everyone. Everything was falling apart, and try as I might, I couldn’t stick the pieces together again.
“Excuse me.” I muttered, standing up from the table and trying to move past Jack who sat next to me. He moved his chair in and I attempted to walk past, but a hand grabbed onto my wrist.
“Are you okay?” Came the worried tone of Alex, who was sat at the end of the table. I glanced up and writhed under the acidic glare of Kate from across the table.
“I’m fine.” I said, not even bothering to attempt a weak smile. I stalked off and into the bathrooms of the small Italian restaurant that we decided to eat in. I took my time just standing in front of the mirror, something I’d caught myself doing a lot recently. I took in all the tiny details that nobody else bothered to. The odd smudge of green against my grey eyes, the two tiny freckles underneath the left side of my lip that made it look as though I had both sides pierced, the fact that I always had a piece of hair that stuck out at a ninety degree angle from the side of my fringe. No one stopped to pay attention any more. Life moved too quickly, and time refused to slow down. It moved at a dizzying pace and I couldn’t catch my breath. My thoughts span as quickly as time raced and really, the weight of the world was chipping away at the walls that I’d spent so long convincing myself were strong.
All of a sudden I felt myself gasping for air, my vision began to spin and my chest felt heavy. I felt a wave of nausea crash over me and I lurched over the sink, hands gripping the cold steel and chilling my palms. A violent, tearless sob hit me and I stumbled backwards until my back was firmly up against the divider between two cubicles. I buried my head in my hands as I tried to calm my breathing, shakily sliding down and sitting on the marble floor. I failed. My breathing sped up and I couldn’t have seen anything even if I did open my eyes.
“Sierra? Are you alright? You’ve been in there for like, quarter of an hour.” Oh fuck.
“I-I’m fi-fine.” I stuttered, trying to muffle the next series of choking sobs. I heard no reply, so I assumed Alex had left.
“What the fuck is going on?” I attempted to look up but the strain was too much and my breathing became even more labourious. Suddenly, I felt an arm slip around my shoulders and I flinched away from the contact.
“Breathe, Sierra, just breathe for me, okay?” The shaking took over me and I poured all of my attention into breathing like a normal person. I have no idea how long it took, but eventually the breaths I took evened out. Soon enough after that, the sick feeling subsided and I could see again. Time still didn’t slow down though, as I realised I must have been in that position for at least half an hour.
“You better get back, someone’ll be missing you.” I whispered as my throat burned. I flinched away from his touch but he didn’t move his arm.
“What just happened?” He blatantly ignored me.
“Panic attack, I guess. I haven’t had one since I was 16, I thought they’d stopped for good.” We stayed in silence for a few beats, our breathing being the only sound between us, mine still laborious and not entirely there, and his regular and deep.
“We need to get out of here.” It wasn’t a question, we did need to leave, if nobody had noticed our absence, I’d be more than worried. I turned my head to the side slightly to see Alex slowly push himself up off the floor. He dusted off his impossibly tight jeans and offered a hand to me. I accepted, and rose to my feet, staggering a little. I didn’t fall. He grabbed hold of me tight, and caught me as I stumbled with my face turned towards the floor. I didn’t say anything, but gently pushed him off. I was suddenly horribly aware of the fact that his girlfriend was sat only a short distance away. No, nothing had ever, or will ever happen between Alex and I, but the allegations had been flung our way by Kate, and being alone in a bathroom together for over half an hour wouldn’t help my cause.
“C’mon.” I muttered, almost too quiet to be heard. I took a step towards the door, but I staggered and only just managed to catch myself on the doorframe. I took a shaky breath, still feeling like complete and utter shit. I felt an arm wrap around myself, and decided it was pointless to try and escape his grasp. Instead, I leant my head against the wall and tilted my head to face Alex.
“You don’t look so good, Sierra. You’re not doing so well, are you?” Rhetorical question. I wasn’t answering, and I knew he didn’t expect a reply. He didn’t mean just right at that instant, although that was the matter at hand. He was voicing what everybody had been thinking, the first person that had even attempted to talk to me, instead of tiptoeing around me as if I would shatter at the slightest gust of wind that headed my way.
“I’m fine.”
“Stop pretending. You can’t hide behind a mask all your life.” And there it was, the slow burning fire that began to burn down my armour.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You know full well what I’m talking about.”
“Just drop it, okay? I said I’m fine.”
“Look, I’m not saying or expecting you to even begin to get over this as quickly as some may ask you to. I know full well just what you’re going through, and the truth is, you may never fully get over this. You might feel like you’re stuck in a rut that you won’t get out of. But you know what? You will get out of that rut. I haven’t even known you for six months yet, and I know already that you are one of, if not the, strongest person I’ve met. You can do this. Just don’t be afraid to look for someone to lean on. There will always be someone. I fucking promise you Sierra, you need to learn to trust someone other than yourself. I, for one, will be here every single step of the way.” And then I did the one thing I could think of doing.
“Thank you.” I whispered, leaning into his hug, relishing the tight feeling of protection that it provided me with.
“You need to get back to the bus. Look, I’ll take you back, just let me text Flyzik, and we’ll go.”
“No, I’ll be fine by myself. You need to stay, Alex.”
“Why? No, look, there’s no way I’m letting you go back by yourself in this state. I’m taking you back.” I let out something that sounded slightly like a growl under my breath but accepted the fact that he was as stubborn as I, and I wasn’t in any mood to hold up my losing side of an argument. I nodded a little, and snuggled into the crook of his neck, all boundaries flying out of the window. He raised one hand to type on his beaten up phone, as the other fluttered to me, holding me against him. His fingers lightly trailed across my back. Somehow, the sick feeling subsided and a new, odd sensation arose. It was almost as if he conducted electricity, and the sparks between us shocked me. The age-old feeling of butterflies in my stomach began to beat, and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t supress it. A warm blush painted my cheeks and I felt Alex laugh slightly, knowing he felt it against his skin.
“Why are you blushing?” He chuckled.
“No reason.” He sceptically narrowed his eyes, but carried on.
“We need to leave, come one. We’re going through the back exit.
“What did you tell him?”
“That you don’t feel well and I need to get you back to the bus. I wasn’t going to lie to him.” He shrugged.
“Just don’t tell him about the panic attack, yeah?”
“I promise.” And with that, he helped me from the bathroom to outside of the restaurant. The cold Sheffield air hit me like a cannonball, not helped by the fact that it was nearing 10 pm. Through the steamed windows, I saw our friends all gathered round the tables that were nowhere near big enough to hold the amount of people we had bought along. Jack, Zack, Garrett and John of The Maine and their tour manager Tim were all packed around one table, laughing hysterically about something or other. Pat, Kennedy and Jared of The Maine, and Rian were seated at an adjacent table, seemingly absorbed in some conversation about hair, judging by the actions provided. Everyone else was scattered around the three other tables that we had dragged across earlier, including Flyzik, who kept glancing down at his phone with a concerned look etched upon his face.
“Let’s get you back to the bus.” I heard Alex say, shaking me from my trance like state. It was only when I glanced down that I realised that I was shivering. He seemed to have seen, as he pulled me into his side yet again. I fiddled with my hands, seemingly nervous, but I had no idea why.
“I’m not letting go any time soon, I promise.” I have no idea whether I was supposed to hear him, given the fact that he whispered it into my hair. I assumed I wasn’t, so I ignored it, but one thing stayed with me. Everyone seemed to be making a lot of promises recently, people rarely kept their word when it came to it.