Watch You Take The Fall

“I’m going to go to bed.” Sierra’s soft voice floated from the bunk area and into the front lounge where I had thrown myself down onto once we’d walked onto the bus.
“You going to be alright? They’ll all be back soon; bus call’s at 11 and it’s just past 10 now.”
“I’ll be fine. Night.”
“Goodnight Sierra.” I thought that was the end of it until a few minutes later I felt a gentle nudge at my leg. I cracked open one eye to see her stood at the end of the sofa, tugging on the waistband of her pyjama pants. Her oversized Pantera shirt had a few holes and hung slightly off one shoulder, but the space where you should have been able to see her skin was covered over by her wavy hair spilling over it.
“Alex?”
“Sierra?”
“There’s something I want to say.” I didn’t say anything in reply. Instead my eyes wandered lazily over her. They took in every aspect of her, every little detail that she thought nobody noticed. How the tips of her ears went a deep crimson every time she blushed. How her eyes were flecked and smudged with a whole spectrum of colours, not just the piercing grey that everyone was immediately struck by. How the freckles underneath her lower lip made it appear that she had more than the two lip piercings that were obvious. How she twirled one bracelet in particular every time she was nervous, a To Write Love On Her Arms wristband that was almost faded beyond recognition. How she wore Bring Me The Horizon and Asking Alexandria merchandise with huge amounts of pride, displaying just how happy she was with her friends success.
“I- I just want to say thank you for everything. For welcoming me aboard the team this summer, and then as part of the family. For getting over your initial dickhead-ish-ness and actually proving to be a nice guy about my music. For being there with everything with P-Pat. For helping moving me out of Sheffield. For making me feel more accepted here than I’ve felt anywhere else since I lost my parents. For everything, every single little thing that you’ve ever done for me, knowingly or not. It means more than I could ever say, and I couldn’t repay you even if I had a lifetime to try.” I still didn’t say anything, but I swear time stopped for a moment while she thanked me. The truth was, she shouldn’t even be thanking for me in the first place. You couldn’t help but welcome her, her bubbly personality was infectious and you just wanted her around constantly. As for helping her out with her brother passing? It was what any decent person would do, I never wanted to see her hurting and I tried to help her heal. Helping her move out of Sheffield was more of an act of kindness to myself, it meant I would get to see her more, as selfish as it sounds.
You see, right on the end of Warped Tour, I’d realised something, something that I really shouldn’t have. I don’t love Kate. I don’t know if I ever did, sure I felt something when we first met, but whether that was only sparked by excessive amounts of alcohol, I just don’t know. We’d drifted, if that was the right word, or maybe we were never stuck together in the first place. We knew we were floating in different oceans when we first joined Warped Tour. Everyone knew. Kate was never the nicest of people to my band mates or crew, feisty was how she put it. But she grew even worse, especially at the new addition of a co-Tour Manager only a few days into tour. We split apart without saying anything, but I hung on by a few strands of hope. It sounds pathetic, but I just didn’t want to be alone.
Sierra mended me. She was there when everyone else was asleep and Kate had thrown me from our shared bunk. She’d let me take hers, and she would sleep on the uncomfortable couches in the front area of the bus. I’d barely known her a few hours before she was sacrificing the warmth and comfort of her own bed for me. Time went by, and we inevitably grew closer. You have no choice when you live in that close proximity with someone. We spent mostly every day together, in fact, I spent more time with her than I did with my girlfriend. Kate didn’t like that. She grew even more bitchy and vicious, especially towards Sierra. Kate thought she hid it well, the bitchy remarks, the threats, the rude comments. She didn’t. I’d noticed, at least.
And so, I became even closer with Sierra. Call it my natural protective instinct, if you will. I had to shield her from everything that came her way. But soon it became more than that, I wanted to be around her simply because of the unexplainable rush she gave me. I never had that with Kate. I think I disguised my feelings well, I drifted from her as Kate and I had done.
Then her brother committed suicide, and her world came down around her. There was no doubt about it then, I needed to be with her. There was no way I was making her go through this alone, and so I forced her whereabouts out of Matt, who knew so he could inform her of the next details of the tour. He told me she was involved in a funeral, who’s he didn’t know. So we went, Jack, Zack, Rian, Matt and I bundled into a car and hurried there, arriving late into a small musty church lit only by candles. There she was, striding up to the front. And then she spoke. She spoke with so much confidence and love that it was chilling and beautiful at the same time. Yet, underneath that mask of strength, I could see the cracks beginning to show. I know, I’d shattered before, and I could see the symptoms in Sierra, the woman who brushed past me and pretended that she didn’t see me there as she almost ran out of the church. I saw.
And now she’s here, saying all of this to me and all I can think is that I’m the worst boyfriend in the world, the worst friend in the world, because right now all I want to do is tell her everything. Tell her how her smile brightens up any room she’s in and could cure even the worst hangover. How her personality was as infectious as one of Jack’s many STD’s. How I’ve fallen for her, and I shouldn’t have. How I know she doesn’t feel the same, but I understand anyway.
“Alex? Have you fallen asleep?”
“What? No, I’m wide awake.”
“Only, you spaced out for like, ten minutes just then.”
“Did I? Shit, sorry. Look, Sie, come here.” I pulled her down next to me, turning us into a jumble of limbs, her pale legs contrasting harshly with my black jean clad legs.
“You don’t need to thank me, I’d do it a hundred times over if you need me to.” Now it was her turn to not say anything. Instead, she pulled herself closer to me. Her heart was beating right in time with mine, her hair was tickling my chin as she nuzzled herself into my neck. We fit together like two jigsaw pieces, or two gummy bears when they come out stuck together from the pack. It was wrong, it was so very wrong. But do you know what? At risk of sounding like a massive douche, it was so wrong that it was right.