But I'm a Guitarist!

“You’re so beautiful.”

It took me a minute for his words to register, but as soon as they did, my eyes flew open and I was back from dreamland. I looked at Gerard as his face reflected one of shock and nervousness. “I - I- I—” He was stuttering like a madman, unlike him, though I had no words or even letters to form.

He just called me beautiful.

No one had ever called me beautiful.

“Thanks,” I whispered as an automatic impulse to his compliment.

We stood there awkwardly, not really sure what to do now. Gerard was looking at the floor in a tight stance, his arms to his side, a look that was very unlike my own. Despite the awkward situation, I felt strangely at ease. I felt right and worry free regardless of what his words could have meant for the both of us. I just wanted to stay in that moment of beautiful bliss for a moment longer—a moment where nothing existed but us, together.

“Beautiful” will never mean the same thing to me again.

Gerard finally started to turn away, his eyes finally flashing to mine, blinding me. “I should-“

“Don’t,” I said, not daring to look back in his eyes for fear of rejection. “Please?”

He just grabbed my hand with a slight pressure I barley felt, and let it go. He then walked out of the room and let emptiness engulf me once more. It was an emptiness I had never even known was there until he showed me how full and complete I could be…and then left.

Even hours later, I could still feel the tingle of his palm against my palm, his fingertips brushing against my fingertips, his heart beating only feet from my own. And that feeling…was a beautiful thing.

Even after I was out of the pantyhose, and even after I silently walked down the hall, into my room, and even the next morning, I could still feel his skin touching my skin. I would never let that moment leave me; it would forever be etched into the depths of my mind.

And I welcomed it.

The morning came too early it seemed; my head was still wrapped around the words that Gerard had said inside that poorly-lit room. I was okay with that, though. I was trapped inside this bubble I had created for myself, accompanied only by the thoughts of Gerard and the events of last night. It was a bubble made purely of imagination, but it still made me feel safe. It wasn’t until Eric spoke to me that something snapped inside me, something I didn’t realize.

This was wrong.

The whole reason I was there was to prevent something like this, wasn’t it? I’d sat for hours learning, being taught how wrong it was to have certain feeling towards another person of the same sex. Yet here I was, having the same thoughts and feelings they told me I couldn’t—shouldn’t have. It didn’t matter what they said though; all I wanted was for him to touch his fingers to my cheek again…or anywhere on me for that matter.

I just wanted to feel him against me.

“Coming?” Eric asked, this time resorting to waving his hand in front of my face.

“I, uh, yeah.” It took me a minute to get away from my current thoughts to understand what he was telling me. “Breakfast. Right.”

As I sat down to eat, I couldn’t dare face my classmates for the sins that I had committed. For some strange reason, I felt like everyone was staring, as if they knew the feelings I had, or knew the thoughts that were running around my head this morning. But, when I finally got the courage to look up, everyone was mostly minding their own business and no one took a glance at me.

No one knew, no one cared, no one was looking, except one gorgeous face across the cafeteria.

I couldn’t face him, as he obviously couldn’t face me, putting his face back into his cereal when he caught my eye. Now wasn’t the time. I didn’t even know what to expect the next time we would talk. Maybe it’s just best if we stopped talking to altogether.

But no, I wouldn’t be able to deny his beautifully black hair or his artistic fingers gracing simple objects with their presence. I wouldn’t be able to say no to those soft lips of his, saying words my mind could only dream of right now.

“You’re so beautiful.”

Maybe it was just best if I forgot about the words that put us in this strange predicament. And when the time came when we had to face one another…. Well, I’d just cross that bridge when I came to it. I knew it was wrong, so how hard could it be?

But for those who knew me, it was obvious that I always went against the grain. I was addicted to doing what others tell me I couldn’t do, and sometimes it got the best of me. My parents told me I couldn’t get any piercings, but without their consent I got one right on my face anyways, and my ears, too. And that’s only one example; the only reason I skipped any class at all, besides the fact that it’s boring, was because a teacher told me not to skip, when I never even had before. Just to piss them off I didn’t show up the next day or the day after that.

Maybe this would be fun, going behind everyone, people I didn’t give any fucks about. As long as they didn’t find out, I was in the clear. As long as no one found out, then I could graduate in a few simple weeks and go home and back to finish school. Where I would graduate and move out and live my life, with a little financial help. No one needed to know. The only trick is not getting caught.

I saw Gerard look at me once more, but this time, instead of looking back down at my plate, I did something I wouldn’t think about doing if I didn’t feel so strongly about this.

I smiled.

And suggestively licked my spoon.