But I'm a Guitarist!

I tried to hurry to get ready in the three minuets I’d allowed myself but after seeing Gerard, I wanted to look good. Like, really good. So I went to my closet and dug, trying to find some ‘normal’ clothes, which proved to be nearly impossible. I finally decided on a plain pair of dark washed jeans and a t-shirt, but due to the dark I didn’t really know which one, I just knew it was black. It could have had pictures of trains for all I knew. I just wanted to hurry up so I could be with Gerard.

I snuck my way into the bathroom to fix my hair a little and put some eyeliner on. It was when I was staring at myself in the mirror that I realized I had no freaking clue where we were going. But it didn’t take long for me to decide that I really didn’t care. It felt nice to feel like a normal person again…almost like this place didn’t exist. And I was determined to make the feeling last.

I ran back to my room and grabbed my Chucks and my wallet. I was about to leave, when I realized I had to make one final touch and ran back to my dresser. Underneath piles of clothes and boxes of cigarettes I found my pink belt and put it on, satisfied with the way it felt on me. I made my way down the hallway and to the stairs, putting on my shoes as I went, feeling like I was making a ruckus. When I finally reached the stairs, I saw how many people were really going. There were five of us—Daniel, Eric, Michi, Gerard, and myself. Apparently a few other people knew we were going out but refused to go, too afraid they would get caught. They said they wouldn’t tell though, and the way I was treated when I found out about Jasmine and Michi, people were probably scared they were going to get shut out like I did.

Gerard smiled at me when he noticed that I had finally joined them. He took my hand and it took me a few deep breaths to get my heart beating at a regular pace again. I didn’t mind though, his hand was warm against mine.

We ran down the stairs following Daniel and Eric who had the flashlight and obviously knew where they were going. When we reached the ground floor we went back to where the cafeteria and kitchen was located instead of going out the front door.

“Where are we going?” I whispered to Gerard, but he just pulled my hand and walked a little faster until we made it to another door. It was kind of amusing since I’d never been this far before and it was cool to roam the halls, unsure where we’re going to end up. It was like a scene from a romantic movie, and I was loving every second of it.

Our brisk walk came to an end when we reached a big black door. Eric and Daniel didn’t even think twice before pushing the door and walking out, so I did the same. Only this time I was the one dragging Gerard out into the warm fall air. As soon as I noticed the cool breeze against my face, I felt a strange sense of freedom. I felt alive, almost like I could do anything. It was a feeling I never thought I’d experience until I graduated from school and I moved out of my parents. It was a feeling I welcomed with open arms.

We stood outside only long enough for me to question what our next move was going to be when a black van pulled up. It would have scared me if Gerard wasn’t there holding my hand. It made me feel a lot better when I followed him into the pitch dark van.

“Oh! We got a new comer!” a happy voice from the passenger seat greeted me as I sat next to Gerard. “I’m Miriam and this Myrtle.”

“This is Frankie,” Gerard said to them while keeping his eyes focused on me. His special nickname for me made me feel important. It wasn’t one of a kind, but I liked the way it rolled off his tongue, like it belonged there.

A grunt of recognition could be hear from Myrtle as Miriam said, “Glad to have you with us! Now, you’ll need one of these…”

She trailed off while searching a series of what looked to be familiar-looking plastic cards. I glimpsed at the faces of young adults and state verifications. Once realizing what it was I told her, “oh, uh, you don’t need to worry.” Wondering why I would need such a thing. I reached into my wallet and took out a card I’ve used many times, but none like this. I always had mine on me so I never needed to worry if I ever came into an unexpected situation like this. I didn’t tell her my reasons and simply said, “I have my own.”

“Oh!” She put them away without a blink.

There was a slight silence before Myrtle decided to speak, “This the first time you’ve ever been AWHOL?”I tried not to giggle at her deep voice, one that reminded me of my grandmothers.

“Myrtle and Miriam are ex-ex-gays,” Gerard explained from beside me.

“From Mother Mary’s?” I asked, surprised. I wondered how long they’d had that place—the couple before me had to be at least 20 years older than all the teens in their van.

“We were among Ms. Mackenzie’s ranks,” Myrtle said it as if she was re-living a bad memory.

“We just want you to have a balanced perspective,” said Miriam. “In the end, it’s up to you whether you want to live a-“

“Lie,” Myrtle jumped in.

Miriam gave her a disapproving look before continuing. “Whether you want to be who you are or keep it hidden is more what we’re really about.”

That was the end of our conversation, and I just there, enjoying the ride. I haven’t been in a car or out of the institution since I arrived. And I was loving this. It was a little weird, though, being escorted by two older women.…Lesbians.

It was the first time I’d ever even met an open lesbian couple. I’d thought that all lesbians were stick thin, and between the ages of 18 and 30. That most of them were whores, too. I’d never thought they were older women who wanted to have a life and a family together. But being here, especially with what Gerard has taught me, I once again saw that things are different than what I’d originally thought.

It didn’t take long before I came to the conclusion that they should be able to get married and have a family, if that’s what they want. I mean, maybe one day that’s what I’ll want. I wouldn’t want anyone stopping me.

The van finally stopped and Eric eagerly slid the door open and stood outside for a minute, taking it all in. He suddenly grabbed Daniel from behind him and they ran in somewhere. I looked at Gerard who just shrugged and followed their lead.

It wasn’t until we were outside, about to walk in when I realized where I was. “You didn’t tell me you were taking me to a gay bar!” Although I was looking around me, I could tell Gerard was smiling with amusement.

“Where else would we go?” he asked before tugging my hand once more, leading me in. I felt stupid all of a sudden, wondering why I hadn’t read the signs.

We flashed our fake IDs and walked in, no one even taking a second glance at us.

“Let me get you a drink,” Gerard said, finally leaving me for the first time. I felt stupid again, this time standing alone against the bar.

It felt weird to be in a gay bar, even though it seemed like a normal bar to me, besides the excessive amount of rainbows and the fact that same sex couples are making out in the corners of the room. The sign outside said, “The Rainbow Club”. I suppose I’d feel this way if I were in a regular bar, too. I didn’t exactly go out much; if I did drink, it was usually in my house, on the weekends when no one was home.

Gerard finally came back, two beers in his hand, a cigarette dangling from his lips, and a small friendly smile. I think that was the closest I’ve ever been to being in love.

He knocked me out of my thoughts by pushing one of the beers to me, which I gladly accepted. I took a sip and turned myself to the dance floor, wondering what happened to Daniel and Eric, and even Michi.

“Would you like to dance?” I wasn’t expecting anyone to ask me. At first I thought he was talking to Gerard but when I glanced up, there was a man in front of me, a hopeful smile gracing his lips and a hand held out towards me.

When I realized he wasn’t asking Gerard, that he was, in fact, asking me I shook my head furiously and looked at Gerard, wondering what to do. He gave me no answer so I just told the man, “I can’t dance.”

Gerard took my beer from my hands anyway and pushed me out of the bar stool that my ass had claimed. “You can’t go for one dance?” he asked, not waiting for a reply.

I looked back to Gerard with a dirty look as I was dragged to the dance floor. Why did Gerard want me to go dance with a stranger? To be perfectly honest, I wished I could dance with him instead, instead of someone I hadn’t even gotten a proper look at. Why couldn’t Gerard ask me to dance?

The man before me couldn’t have been older than 22. His hair was short and blonde, and he wasn’t horrible looking, but he wasn’t Gerard and right then, he was the only one I cared about. I didn’t want to be rude though so I uncomfortably put my hands around his waist (I was too short to put them around his neck), and he did the same to me as we softly swayed. I wasn’t very into the moment so instead of paying attention to the horrible song playing or the fact that like me, this guy could not dance what so ever, I decided to just watch. I watched Michi sit alone at the bar, ordering drink after drink for herself, turning down anyone that asked to buy her a drink or dance. I watch Eric and Daniel as they held their hands together, finally free to display their love. And I watched Gerard as he finished his cigarette and as someone came up and asked him to dance.

Gerard looked at me before getting up from his stool and taking some strange guys hand, making their way to the dance floor. I shouldn’t have cared, I really shouldn’t have, but it was all too much for me. I’ve never liked anyone as much as I liked Gerard—I don’t think I even liked my parents as much. He was a great guy, understanding, beautiful, he had the hands of an angle, and he was horribly sarcastic. But that’s what I liked about him. Him being with someone like that, some jerk who just came to bars to pick up guys, Gerard didn't deserve that. He deserved someone who would stay in bed, even in the morning…someone to make him breakfast.

I continued to watch as Gerard and his new friend got closer and closer. Gerard was just letting it happen, too. As if he didn’t mind the intrusive actions. As soon as the mystery man grabbed Gerard’s ass, I was out of there. I simply couldn’t allow the heartbreak that would be sure to follow if I stayed. I didn't know where I was going, just ran out of the nearest exit, into an alleyway, of all places. But that was fine by me, as long as I didn't have to see anymore butt grabbing, or hand holding, or kissing, or... anything else that I wanted.