But I'm a Guitarist!

It was another sleepless night. I couldn’t help it, but this time it was all Gerard’s fault, not mine. After our Gender Re-Assignment I couldn’t help my over worked brain. Gerard was at least remotely nice to me today, though.

Mine and Gerard’s first task as heterosexual friends was to practice with flash cards. We were supposed to differentiate between women’s and men’s main roles… yay. The cards had stick people on them so you couldn’t tell their genders. The first card was a person on their hands and knees, scrubbing the floor…I think.

We were about half way through the stack when Gerard thought it was his turn. He took the cards and turned around so I couldn’t see what he was doing. He dug in his bag for something and returned himself to the cards. After he was done he turned back around with a card flipped up and looking at me expectantly.

Gerard had taken one of the cards and drew on the back of it. Only this card wasn’t like the others. This card had a stick figure standing with something between his legs, something that looked like a…No it couldn’t be.

Then why is the other stick figure on his knees, with the same.. thing?

I didn’t notice I was staring, with my head tilted to the side until Gerard started laughing at me. I started to go red.

“What the fuck do you want from me?” I asked him a little pissed off. “A good laugh? I’m not going to pretend that I understand why you’re here and stuff but I actually want to graduate. I want to be straight, I want to be normal! And you’re not helping!”

He looked a little guilty for leading me down the road to temptation, but he recovered quick enough to reply. “It doesn’t fuckin’ work.”

“What?” I heard him clearly but I didn’t think I really understood. He pulled a cigarette out of what seemed like thin air before continuing.

“This is fucking bullshit, Frank,” he said to me, just above a whisper, making sure no one was watching. “It’s a scam, it doesn’t work! The only trick is not getting caught.”

The only trick is not getting caught.

I didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense. Why would I be here if it didn’t work? Why would they make us do crazy shit like playing football or memorize these cards? Why would they make us wear these ridiculous uniforms? Why?

The only trick is not getting caught.

That’s when all the memories of middle school came flooding back. All the kids and all the names. No one was perfect; I knew that for a fact. But there were just some people out there who were downright dick wads.

Maybe Ms. Mackenzie and Mr. Steve were a couple of them. It would make sense, why Ms. Mackenzie would be nice as fucking pie to us and then two seconds later she’d be yelling. Suddenly I needed to know more. I needed to see what Gerard saw, know what Gerard knew, hear what Gerard heard. I needed him in a way that I never needed anyone else before. For some strange reason, I trusted him.

And it scared me.

“How did you end up here then?” I asked with all the innocence of my being. And just like Eric’s story I needed to know his. I need to know Gerard’s story was better than Eric’s, maybe even better than mine. I needed to know there was a way out of this.

“I got caught,” Gerard said flatly, indicating he wanted to end the conversation, but I kept on pressing.

“How?”

He shrugged his shoulders and I thought he wasn’t going to say anymore because of the long pause. I could tell he was thinking about something or someone, he kind of drifted away before slowly coming back. “I just spent a little too much time with a friend is all.”

I didn’t ask anymore although I wanted to, but Gerard either wanted me to know or just needed someone to tell.

“My mom caught us one day in my room and we were…” he drifted off again before concluding, “and so she sent me here.” He wouldn’t look at me, he just stared at the burning cigarette he forgot he was smoking. I was surprised at the truthfulness in his voice, but he wouldn’t lie. No one would, not about this.

“Why?” I asked after another short pause. I didn’t know if he was able to decipher my question. There was many ‘Why’s’ going around in my head but one particular was really important.

“They think it’s wrong,” the tone of Gerard’s voice and the awkward look on his face made me think he thought otherwise. “They think that two people of the same sex should not be together.”

It took me a few minutes to let it all sink in and Gerard waited patiently, nicely, for me.

“And what happens when you go home, then?” I asked, confused. His parents are still gonna notice when he has a friend over, isn’t he? And when he starts spending too much time with them again?

“I don’t know,” he said with a stare to the ground. He took a drag from his cigarette before continuing. “Pretend. I’ll just have to pretend I’m someone else until I’m old enough to leave, or until I have enough money. Depending on which ever comes first, it won't be too long now.”

I was jealous that he had a plan, something to fall back on. I was a terrible liar, and I was always usually so confident with myself and who I am. I don’t think I could go around and be something other than what I wasn’t.

But who knows? My parents have always loved me, they’re probably just doing what they think is best for me, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll probably be welcomed home with open arms.

“I hope it works out,” I told him, truthfully. He took one more puff and then put out his cigarette.

“Me, too, kid,” he said quietly before getting up and walking back inside where Mr. Steve was blowing a whistle. I slowly got up as well, not wanting to go inside.

I sat down next to Eric again for dinner, plopping myself across from Jasmine and Michi, who were in deep discussion and giggling quietly. I just shrugged and took a bite out of my mashed potatoes. At least, I think that’s what the mushy white substance was.

It took me awhile before I noticed that Gerards table was completely occupied by other, older, ‘patients’. I looked around, not really sure where to expect Gerard to sit.

“Frank,” I jump lightly out of my train of thought as Gerard stood behind me. “Do you, uh, mind if I sit?”

I granted him permission, partly because I wanted to be friends with him, and I really just wanted to get to know him, and partly because he looked so uncomfortable asking me such a question, as if it was wrong and I’d reject him.

Gerard sat and poked at his food as Eric and I got back into discussion about what we would be doing at that exact minute if we weren’t here.

“I think I’d probably be doing something normal like going to the park,” Eric said thoughtfully. “Or just laying on my bed thinking about what I was going to be doing this weekend, find someone to hang out with.”

“What about you Gerard?” I looked over to him but he was far off somewhere. “Gerard,” I said a little louder until he snapped out of it.

“What about you?” He looked at me blankly, but I was determinded to bring him into a conversation. “What would you be doing right now, if you weren’t here?”

He thought for a minute, but it didn’t take too long until he smiled slightly. “Probably drawing and writing… or drinking… or maybe even all three.”

I laughed a little because it sounded a little familiar, only I really miss my guitar. I felt like that was my one best friend that understood me. Like I could communicate with it using my fingers and in response it’d make some sort of beautiful noise. I miss it so much; I don’t think anyone could comprehend it. I don’t think I'd ever loved anything more than I love music and having a guitar to get all of myself expressed.

“So are you guys ready for tomorrow?” Eric asked. I looked at him, expecting some sort of explanation. Tomorrow’s Saturday, what I’m ready for is no school.

“No,” Gerard said quietly and went back to poking his food, all traces of his previous smile had vanished.

“What’s tomorrow?” I asked clueless.

“Family therapy.”