Punching in a Dream

I could feel the weight of my shoulders as I drove back to the house, the fell deeds of my plans to restart, the fire burning beneath my chest, the guilt that is written over my forehead, everything. I pulled over on the side of the highway, letting the tears finally escaped desperately. Groans irrupted as I sobbed, everything was falling apart. I left Detroit to leave the past in the dust, but it seems I didn't sweep it under the rug deep enough. I peered in my rear view mirrors, spotting the fuzz behind me. Great.

I began to go to open my window to tell him that everything was alright when my door flew open. Startled I got out of the car to confront him, only to find Daddy in front of me. I began to scream when he placed his finger up over his lips, smirking gently.

"I thought you'd never leave. I was shocked to see that your room was barren."

I stood in silence, letting everything sink in. My breathing began to pick up rapidly, I could barely understand what he was saying.

"I knew I should have treated you better; I knew that one day you'd construct a plan to escape."

"What are you saying? That you are sorry?"

"What I am saying is far from an apology, Juniper. Have you forgotten all of your scandalous stunts? All of your acts for revenge against me after your mother died? Come on now, you can't honestly believe that I would forget the time that you went around telling the entire time that I molested you, abused you, raped you? I know I pushed you after your mother died, but was that really the right thing to do to me? When I haven't even been home to even do so?" Flash backs flooded over me. I starred at the ground, trying to remember, trying to recognize the hands that had traced up & down my body a life time ago.

"Juniper."

I looked up at him.

"What have you done?"

"Why are you breaking into my house?"

"I came by once, Juniper. I came by to convince you to come back home, to get help. You didn't answer, so I suppose you could say that I broke in. I went looking for you, but could only find your belongings, I grabbed your old stuffed animal. The only explanation that I could give you is that it was a fatherly instinct. I miss my sweet little daughter that used to bring in stray animals & paint & sing to the birds. The girl who didn't compensate lies for pity." His eyes locked with mine.

"Lies? What lies? You abused me!"

"Juniper! Stop lying to yourself! Come with me, let us talk about this at home, you need to know the truth!"

I bit my lip, trying to keep the anger running through me, but finally released & nodded.

Back at the house, I noticed that the cops that guarded my house were gone, suspicion & anxiety began to pulse through me.

I sat in the car until Daddy came around back & knocked on the window. "C'mon June."

I glared at him, keeping my guard. I got out of the truck slowly & guided him into the house.

Grayson looked up at me, puzzled & angered.

"Who's this?" Grayson's icy eyes blazed with iration & furry towards the man behind me.

"This is Daddy."

Grayson's back shot straight up, questioning cloaked his pale face.

"Trust me, I know just as much as you do."

"Now that is an understatement, darling." Daddy said in a mockery.

I turned to him, speechless; he made himself at him & sat down on the lawn chairs. I starred down at him, "well, come on." He said calmly.

I looked back at Grayson, he shrugged. I came around the kitchen counter & sat in the left over lawn chair, scrutinizing Daddy's facial features. His eyes were red, as though he had been crying, his face untrimmed, he was tired of running after me.

"Juniper, when your mother died, you went into massive destruction, & I isolated myself from you, from everyone. It was a horrible, selfish thing to do to you when you needed me the most, but I tried my best to cope. The more I tried to be there for you, the more you rebelled, you slept with many people, you created these lies that it was me who forced themselves upon you; I tried to get you help. You turned me away, fought against me. It was a horrible time. You began to go from sex to drugs, to mental institutions-"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Mental Institutions. You are ill, Juniper. Very ill. You suffer from schizophrenia, & have a split personality disorder."

"Why don't I remember any of this?"

"Because, one personality dominates the other. One acclaims that you were abused, that the blocked out images of the ones you slept with were all me, & the other is the real you, who feels guilt, loves, hates, knows right from wrong."

"Which one dominates the other?"

"It's hard to tell. You nevere stayed in the institutions long enough for them to determine that. One is June, the other is Juniper. June was originally your nickname, which I still use for the real you, & occationally for the other, devient part of your personality. For example, when I stopped you on the high way, when I got you to get out of the truck in the drive way, I called you June. You were incapable of controlling her until you left Detroit."

Grayson spoke then.

"How do you not know any of this Juniper? How could you lie to me?"

"It wasn't Juniper who was lying to you." Daddy chimed in.

"Whatever, you still lied. A part of you did, at least. That isn't fair. How can I trust you with our growing family when you pretended to be abused this entire time?"

Daddy looked up at Grayson then. "What? Growing family?"

Grayson sighed & bowed his head into his hands. When he finally looked back at Daddy, he nodded with tears in his eyes. "You're pregnant, Juniper?"

I nodded, my voice was choked. I could barely breathe. I placed my face in the palms of my hands, letting the tears fill them to the rim, how could have this happened? Split personality disorder? Schizophrenia? Whoredism? Drugs? That isn't me. That couldn't have been me, this can't be real.

"Grayson..." I whispered.

"She's sick, she needs help, you can trust her, you just need to get her help."

"How am I supposed to get her help? You're her father, why don't you?"

"I tried...she pushed me away, she constituted lies for pity."

"Wouldn't she do the same to me if I tried to help her?"

"It's worth a shot, if not for her, then for the baby."

I peered up at Grayson, his face covered in pain & disgust. "I didn't know-"

"I know you didn't, Juniper...this isn't your fault."

"Part of me is responsible for this."

"But the real you isn't."