Punching in a Dream

The entire day flew by after Grayson & I's lunch date, Gabe kept to himself, letting me enjoy myself. At the end of the day, I left Gabe my himself for lock up. I drove home in silence, more memories of home came over me; tears filled my eyes. Fear of being held back from Grayson because of my past put me in a depressing place. I looked down at my phone, six missed calls from Daddy. It's a new start, I know everything will be okay; the stress is just getting to me. No one said it would be easy, no one said I'd like picking up the pieces.

When I walked through the front door, I almost collapsed on the floor from exhaustion. I had the tiniest bit of strength to drag myself to the bathroom. I started the bath & put on some music, & begged myself to relax. The hot water loosened up my bones & muscles, giving me the chance to breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I can do this. I'm one step closer of having a relationship, I'm two steps back from being in my old house in Detroit. The thought of seeing Daddy's face gave me goose bumps; his broad cheek bones, dark eyes, & lusting lips put me in a nasueating place. I clutched my stomach, hoping not to throw up from all the horrible memories replaying through my mind. The night when he first raped me, the night where it happened again, & again, & again.

Daddy was drunk, his pink face told me he had been crying. He smiled down at me; I gulped. He grabbed me, pulling me into a dark room. Then pain, all around me. He covered my mouth, I screamed inside. I was tense, stiff like a tree. I remember he stopped then, he was breathless. I was a good girl if I kept it a secret. No one could ever know; not a single soul. When he released me, he left the room in a blur, I turned on the light, looking between my legs. A bloody mess was splashed on my skin; a white sticky substance was spilling out of me. I screamed. Tears blinded me, then I threw up. Letting all of it out did help at all, he only came back for more the next night, & the night after that, & the night after that.....

I shuttered in disgust, closing my eyes tightly. I bit my lip. Also remembering the final time I was violated. He cried. The entire time. I stared at him through the cracks of his hands, one on my mouth, one on my eyes. His BO & shame was intoxating. I cried with him, only because I knew he would have been a great Daddy, but chose a life of nightmares.

Before I got the chance to indulge myself in a good night's sleep, my phone beeped. It was Pieper. She had asked how my day was, how everything went. I couldn't bring myself to answer her, I couldn't face anyone from that life at this moment. I needed a break from what was and what is.