In One Single Moment Your Whole Life Can Turn Around

I’ve been lying in my bed since half past ten and I haven’t been able to sleep for one single second. It’s ten past two now and I still can’t stop thinking about Ryan. Ryan and his daughter, Sam. If I’m Ryan’s boyfriend, what am I to Sam? Her stepdad in some sort of odd way? I can’t help but freak out at that thought. I’m seventeen, I’m not supposed to be a stepdad or any kind of dad for that matter. But then again, Ryan isn’t supposed to be a dad either and still he is. A real dad.

It’s still fucking scary, though. One moment, I’m kissing Ryan in the park and a few hours later, I have a boyfriend with a little baby. I can’t seem to get my head around that fact.

When I told Ryan that I wanted to be with him, it didn’t really get through to me what being with him exactly meant. I know that I won’t have to do that much concerning Sam, but she’ll still be there and Ryan will always put her first, instead of me, which is only normal. But at the same time it can be fucking annoying, knowing that you’re not your boyfriend’s first priority.

I can’t chicken out now, though, that wouldn’t be fair to Ryan. I told him I wouldn’t ditch him and I’m planning to stick to that promise. I like Ryan and he likes me, that’s the most important, right? The baby is just something that comes along with that and I’ll have to learn to deal with it.

***

A large smile appears on my face when I see Ryan already sitting in the Maths classroom when I arrive there in the morning. I make a beeline for him and press a quick kiss against his cheek before sitting down next to him.

“Good morning to you too,” Ryan says, grinning widely.

“I knew it!” Patrick suddenly yells through the classroom. I turn around and it’s only then that I notice him sitting a few feet behind us. Oops, busted. “I knew there would happen something between the two of you,” he states, smiling widely. “That is so awesome!”

“Thanks,” I reply, smiling as well. How could I not smile? I got the cutest boyfriend in the world. “All we need to do now is make a couple of Jon and Spencer, so our entire class group consists of couples,” I add, wriggling my eyebrows. “Don’t you think?”

“I don’t think so,” Spencer snorts, strolling into the classroom. “I don’t play for the other team, if you know what I mean,” he adds, sitting down on an empty chair. “But, back to business. I think it’s awesome that you and Ryan are together,” he tells us and pats my shoulder. “Was that what you were doing yesterday while you were supposed to be doing gym?” he then asks, smirking.

“Yeah, sort of. Did anyone else notice that we were gone?” I question. I hope not, because if our PE teacher knows that Ryan and I were skipping his class, we’ll get detention for an entire week and I know that’s the last thing that Ryan needs.

“Nah, you don’t have to worry. The teacher didn’t notice a damn thing,” Spencer answers.

“Hey, Jon!” he suddenly yells when the older boy walks into the room. “Brendon and Ryan are together!” he shouts, excitedly clapping his hands. “How awesome is that?”
“Really?” Jon asks, curiously looking at Ryan and me. I nod in response and then I rest my head against Ryan’s.

“Why do I stick with such nosy best friends?” I whisper in Ryan’s ear. Ryan chuckles and pats my knee.

“Because you love them and they take good care of you,” he replies matter-of-factly and then he pecks my nose. He’s got a good point there.

“Yeah, true. And now I have an awesome boyfriend to go with that. I’m such a lucky boy.”

“Guys, stop being so damn cute or I’m going to puke,” Jon butts in and plops down onto the school desk in front of me. Then he puts both his hands in-between me and Ryan and pushes us apart, making the both of us pout.

“It’s not because you can’t get your hands on a girlfriend that you have to be jealous of me and Ryan,” I say, sticking my tongue out at him.

“Touché.” Spencer grins and punches Jon’s shoulder.

***

I pick up my cellphone, smiling to myself as I read Ryan’s name on the little screen.

“Hello there gorgeous,” I say, keeping the phone close to my ear. To my biggest surprise I don’t get to hear Ryan’s voice, but loud crying that I suppose is coming from Sam.

“Hey, Brendon,” Ryan replies, his voice low and sounding beyond exhausted. “Could you do me a huge favour?” he asks and then the crying in the background fades away a little bit, probably because Ryan has left the room where Sam is. “I-I can’t get Sam to sleep and it’s already half past nine. If she doesn’t sleep now, she’ll be a mess tomorrow and I really don’t want to do that to my parents,” he explains and sighs deeply. “Can you come over here and play that song again for her?” he questions. “I don’t know if it’ll work, but if it does, I’d be so grateful.”

“I’ll be there in five minutes,” I reply, getting up from my desk chair and switching off my computer.

“Thank you so much, Brendon. This really means a lot to me,” Ryan says and then the crying gets louder again.

“No problem.” I smile, even though he can’t see me and grab my jacket. “I’ll see you soon,” I add as I try to put on my jacket while still holding my cellphone.

“Okay, bye.”

I tell my parents I’m out for a little while to help a friend and then I hurry towards Ryan’s house. I really hope that I can help him, because otherwise, he won’t be at school tomorrow, or he will be but then he’ll look like hell and probably feel like that too.

When I have arrived, I notice that the front door is slightly ajar, so I just enter the house. Ryan probably did that so I wouldn’t ring the bell and wake Sam in case he has gotten her to sleep already. Still remembering where Sam’s room is, I walk through the house and find Ryan bent over the wooden crib, doing his best to shush Sam.

“Hey,” I whisper, resting my hand on the small of his back.

Ryan turns around, the sight of him breaking my heart. His eyes are puffy red from crying and his face is wet from his tears. No wonder that Sam doesn’t go to sleep, she probably senses that her father is feeling bad.

“I’m so sorry for calling you but I really didn’t know what else to do to get her to go to sleep,” he says and sniffs away a few tears. “I’m horrible. I can’t even take care of my own daughter.”

“Sssht, it’s okay,” I mutter, wrapping my arms around his slightly trembling waist, giving him a tight hug. “You’re not a bad father. You just need to calm down and maybe get some rest as well,” I tell him, leading him towards the large rocking chair in the middle of the room. “You sit down and rest and I’ll try to take care of Sam, okay?”

“No, you don’t have to do that, Brendon. She’s my responsibility. I can’t just sit back and watch while you do all the work, it’s not fair to you,” Ryan protests, trying to turn around to go back to soothe Sam, but I won’t let him.

“It’s fine, really. You deserve some rest,” I assure him and push him down on the chair. He nods in defeat, sinking back into the chair, completely exhausted.

Okay, how to start on this? I don’t know a thing about babies, but I don’t want to show that to Ryan because if I do, he won’t let me take care of her.

“Hey there little girl,” I whisper, bending over the crib. “Remember me?” I ask, but I doubt she hears it, because she’s crying so loud that almost every other sound in the room drowns in her wailing. “Okay, let’s try singing a song again. Maybe that will help,” I mutter to myself and scan the room for the acoustic guitar. I find it and quickly take it, sitting down next to the crib with it and pondering a little bit about which song I could play for Sam. I only know the lullaby I played yesterday and all the other songs I can play on guitar aren’t really children’s songs. The lullaby again then.

“And if that billy goat won't pull,
Papa's gonna buy you a cart and bull.
And if that cart and bull fall down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town.”

When I stop singing, the crying has stopped. Thank God for that. Now, how do you get a baby to sleep? Turning off the light will probably help a lot, I think. I look around the room, spotting the light switch next to the door, so I walk over to it and switch off the light.

The room is silent, except for some light snoring. Did Sam fall asleep already? That's fast and I didn't even have to do anything. Wait... babies don't snore, do they? I look at Sam, lying in her crib, her eyes wide open, looking up at the baby mobile above her head. If it's not her who's making those noises, then it must be Ryan.

I turn around and I'm glad that the room isn't bathing in complete darkness, otherwise I would have fallen over a large bag lying on the floor. The way that my heart broke when I saw Ryan crying a few moments ago, seeing him sleep makes my heart melt. His head is dipped forward, his chin lightly touching his chest and his mouth slightly is opened. The moonlight falling on him through the window makes him look like an angel. So pure and innocent.

“Ryan,” I whisper, carefully shaking his body. He shouldn’t be sleeping in this chair, he’ll be sore tomorrow if he does. “Wake up, Ryan,” I mutter, keeping my hand rested on his shoulder. Ryan slowly opens his eyes and blinks a few times.

“Oh, Brendon, you’re still here. How long have I been asleep?” he asks, his voice thick with sleep.

“Only fifteen minutes or so,” I reply and sit down on his lap. “Sam stopped crying when I sang her that lullaby,” I say, rubbing my nose against his cheek. It might sound silly, but I feel really proud for being able to help Ryan with this. It makes me feel special and needed. “If you go to bed now, I’ll sing something to you too,” I add, smiling as I pull my head a bit away from his.

“You’re a real gift. You can get her to sleep in no time. You’re amazing, Brendon. Thank you so, so much. I owe you for this,” he tells me and presses a small kiss against my lips.

“I told you: I like you and if you like someone, you do everything to make that someone happy,” I simply reply and then stand up from his lap. “And now you’re going to bed. You need some rest,” I say, taking his hand in mine and pulling him up on his feet.

“Does that offer of you singing me a song still stand?” he questions, standing next to me in the dark.

“Of course it does,” I answer, nodding.

“Perfect.” Ryan purrs in response. “I’ll just switch on the baby phone and then I’ll go to bed,” he says, pulling his hand out of my grasp. He walks over to the cupboard, retrieves two little baby phones and places one of them next to Sam’s bed, switching it on. “Sweet dreams, my girl,” he whispers, looking down at the girl who has fallen asleep by now.

After that, Ryan and I leave the room, me taking the guitar with me, trying to make no sounds at all, in order not to wake Sam.

“I’m going to use the bathroom. I won’t take long,” Ryan tells me, and points at the staircase. “My bedroom is right next to Sam’s, you can wait there if you want,” he adds and points at the door to the right of Sam’s room. “Start thinking of a song you’re going to play for me.”

“Oh, I already know,” I immediately reply, smiling widely.

“Yeah? Which one?” he questions, a curious look spreading all over his face. God, he’s too cute to be true.

“You’ll see,” I simply answer and turn around, walking into Ryan’s bedroom.

I switch on the light and sit down on Ryan’s soft bed. The room is a big mess and if I would have had some more time, I would have cleaned it up a bit. I wait and five minutes later, Ryan appears in the doorframe, wearing nothing but his boxers. Wow. Those hips. Just wow. My eyes are glued to his skinny, barely covered figure and I honestly have to keep myself from drooling all over him.

“What are you going to play?” Ryan asks, ignoring my obvious staring. He sits down next to me, on the bed, giving me an expectant look.

“You’ll have to get in bed first,” I tell him, smiling widely. “If you want me to do this right,” I add, pushing him down on the mattress. “Come on, get underneath the covers.”

“I can’t. If I lay my head down now, I’ll fall asleep,” he protests, sitting back up. “And someone needs to walk you out and lock the door when you leave.”

“Give me a key and I’ll lock the door. I’ll return the key to you tomorrow at school,” I reply. “Please? I really want you to sleep before I leave.”

Ryan sighs in response, but then he nods.

“There’s an extra key in the top drawer in the hall. Take that one,” he says and lays back down. “You’re really too sweet, Brendon,” he quickly adds, smiling at me. “Thank you, pretty boy.”

“No need to thank me.” I smile and bend down to press a kiss against his lips. Then Ryan crawls underneath the dark brown sheets and gets comfortable, while I stay seated on the edge of the bed.

“Here we go,” I mutter, placing my fingers on the guitar.

“Do you want to go to the seaside?
I'm not trying to say that everybody wants to go.
I fell in love at the seaside.
I handled my charm with time and slight of hand.”

When I’m done singing the first verse, Ryan already has his eyes closed. I don’t think he’s asleep yet, but he’s close, though. I continue playing and singing the song, until I’m a hundred percent sure he has fallen asleep. Then I carefully put the guitar away, making sure he won’t stumble over it tomorrow morning when he wakes up or during the night if he has to get up for Sam.

“Good night, Ry,” I whisper, carefully stroking his cheek, before leaving the room.

***

“Brendon Boyd Urie, where on earth have you been?” my mom shouts as I’m making my way from the bathroom to my bedroom. “It’s past eleven. You’ve got school tomorrow!”

“I was helping out a friend, mom,” I answer, hoping that she won’t punish me or anything. I don’t think I deserved that.

“What friend?” she questions, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “And why did he or she need your help so late?”

“Ryan,” I reply and then I start biting my lip. “And I can’t tell you what I was helping him with. I promised him to keep my mouth shut. But you’ve got to believe me, I was really helping him out. He needed me really badly.”

“You can get away with this for one time, mister, but if you pull off something like this again, you’re grounded for a month,” mom tells me and then she turns around, walking into her bedroom.

I wish I could have stayed with Ryan tonight. Just cuddling with him in his bed, nothing more. Maybe I should suggest that one of these days. It would be really nice. With a sigh, I enter my room, closing the door behind my back.

***

“Hello there, Ry,” I greet, hooking my arm around Ryan’s after spotting him in a busy hallway of the school. “Did you sleep well last night?” I ask him as we make our way to English class together. Ryan nods in response, smiling.

“I did, thanks to you. You’re a really good singer, did you know that?” he says and then he opens the door of the classroom we have to be in. “Thanks again for coming over. I was so exhausted and desperate to get Sam to sleep, so I could go to sleep as well. But it just wouldn’t work out, so I broke down,” he explains, sitting down at the back of the classroom. The room is still empty so we can talk freely about Sam and last night.

“You don’t have to keep thanking me,” I reply, sitting down on his lap. Ryan is so much more comfortable than any chair ever could be. “I’m glad you called me and asked me to come over. It really sucks that you have to deal with this on your own, but you really shouldn’t. If you feel you’re going to break down again, please call me and I’ll come over to take care of Sam for a little while, so you can rest a bit,” I tell him, resting my forehead against his. “I like helping you. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.”

“It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside too when you help me,” he says and then he closes the gap between our mouths by gently kissing me on the lips.

“Ooookay, that’s enough gay porn for today!” Spencer speaks, making me and Ryan stop kissing.

“But we were just getting started,” Ryan replies, a devious smirk appearing on his face. “Right, pretty?”

“Totally.” I grin and lay my hand on the back of his head, pressing his face closer to mine so our lips meet again. I brush my tongue over Ryan’s lips, until he parts them so I can slip my tongue into his welcoming mouth.

“Ewww, guys, stop it!” Spencer protests and when I open my eyes for a split second, I can see him covering his eyes with his hands.

I decide to take it one step further, just to traumatize my best friend a bit more and let out a moan that partly gets lost in Ryan’s mouth, but I’m sure Spencer has heard it.

“Okay, I’m out of here. Let me know when you’re done so you won’t traumatize my eyes and ears anymore,” Spencer tells us and it’s all it takes to make me burst out into laughter. Ryan quickly follows suite, his arms still wrapped around my neck.

“Hayley! Thank God you’re here!” Spencer calls, clinging to Hayley’s arm as she walks into the room. “They wanted to make me blind and deaf!” he says, not letting go of her. “They’re mean.”

“Awww, poor little Spencer. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” Hayley replies, chuckling. “Now let go of me before Patrick sees you and turns into a raging jealous boyfriend. That can get pretty nasty.”

“Patrick, nasty?” Ryan wonders out loud. “I find that quite hard to believe,” he adds, winding a longer strand of my hair around his index finger.

“I was shocked too, believe me,” Hayley says, walking over to where Ryan and I are sitting. “But then he saw me hugging another guy and he nearly exploded,” she explains. “He didn’t know that guy was my brother,” she adds, laughing softly. “Every time Trick comes over to my place while my brother is there too, my brother will tease him with it. It’s so funny.”