In One Single Moment Your Whole Life Can Turn Around

FIVE

I’m awakened by Ryan trying to disentangle himself from my arms and the faint sound of Sam crying in the room next to this one. I open my eyes and blink a few times having to use a lot of effort because my eyelids seemed to be glued shut. It can’t be morning yet, it just can’t be.

“Just stay in bed, I’ll take care of Sam,” Ryan whispers and pecks my lips. “She just needs her early breakfast. When I’m done feeding her, I’ll bring her here to sleep for another hour,” he says and then he hops out of the bed. “Go back to sleep,” he adds and then he disappears from the room.

I’m too tired to protest against that. Before closing my eyes again, I quickly check the alarm clock that’s standing on Ryan’s nightstand. A quarter to six. God. How can Ryan keep up with this? It’s barbarous for someone of his age to be awake at this hour of the day. Especially on a Saturday. It’s weekend for God’s sake. I don’t get the chance to think too much about it, though, because in no time, I’m drifting back into sleep.

When I wake up for the second time, it’s already a more decent hour, but still quite early. Twenty to nine. I shift around in the bed, but Ryan is nowhere to be seen and neither is Sam. I get out of the bed and start looking for them in the house, but I can’t find them anywhere at all. They’re not in the kitchen, not in Sam’s room, not in the living room, not in the bathroom, not on the toilet, not in the spare room and not in the storeroom. A feeling of anxiety spreads from the pit of my stomach to the rest of my body. If something bad had happened, Ryan would have awoken me, right? Unless he had to leave in a rush because something bad was going on with Sam.

I walk back into Ryan’s room and retrieve my cellphone from the nightstand. I dial Ryan’s cellphone number and nervously hold the phone next to my ear. After a few seconds, I hear the ringtone of Ryan’s cellphone coming from the kitchen. I hurry out of Ryan’s room and into the kitchen, only to find that Ryan has left his cellphone on the kitchen counter. Fuck. I sink down onto a chair, grasping some of my hair in a tight fist. Something must be terribly wrong. Otherwise Ryan wouldn’t have left the house without warning me.

The sound of the front door opening, makes me jump off my chair in a split second and run into the small hallway of the house.

“Ryan!” I squeal, wrapping my arms tightly around his thin body, hugging him. Ryan seems completely stunned by my actions, but he hugs me back anyway.

“Did you miss me so badly?” he asks with a chuckle. “I’ve only been gone for fifteen minutes, you know,” he adds as I let go of him. “I went to the bakery to pick up a nice breakfast for you,” he tells me, lifting the brown bag he’s holding in his left hand. In his right hand, he’s carrying a Maxi Cosi with Sam in it. Thank God they’re alright. Their absence really had me worried sick.

“I thought something was wrong because I couldn’t find you when I woke up,” I say, walking back into the kitchen. “Damn I was scared.”

“Awww, sorry. I thought you’d be sleeping for a longer while so I didn’t wake you just to tell you where I was going. Sorry,” Ryan replies and after he put the Maxi Cosi down on the table, he puts an arm around me, rubbing my back and kisses me on the lips. “But it’s nice to know that you care so much, though.”

“You’re my boyfriend, I’m supposed to care about you. And I care about Sam as well because she’s your cute little daughter,” I say, smiling widely. I hadn’t really realised just how much I cared about them and, fuck, we’ve only been together for three days. I had been crushing on him for a while before that, but I never thought I’d get so attached to him so soon. Maybe it’s because of Sam, I don’t know.

“I care about you too, Brendon. And I’m sure Sam does too.” Ryan smiles, glancing at the little girl who’s looking at us with big, interested eyes. See? Totally cute, just like her father.

***

“Is it just me or is Ryan more at school since you two have been together?” Spencer asks me after another long day at school.

He, Jon and I are making our way back home together as we usually do. Ryan had asked me if I wanted to come over to his place, but I declined his offer because I think my mom would appreciate it if I’d show my head at home after being away for the entire weekend.

“Could be,” I answer, shrugging my shoulders.

“Did he tell you why he’s absent so much?” Jon then asks, sending me a curious look. “I mean, you’re his boyfriend, he can tell you things like that now. And we are your best friends, sooo…”

“It’s not really your business, Jon,” I reply. I promised Ryan I wouldn’t tell anyone about Sam and I’m going to keep that promise. I think what me and Ryan have is pretty special and I don’t feel like screwing it up.

“So you know?” Spencer questions and stops walking. “What is it?”

“I said it’s none of you business. There are just some things he has to deal with at home, nothing you should know or worry about,” I snap, but immediately regretting for being so harsh to them. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. It’s just… I can’t tell you, okay? I promised Ryan.”

“We understand.” Jon nods and starts walking again. “We were just a bit curious. But if you can’t tell that’s okay. Right, Spence?” he adds and gives Spencer a small shove in the side. “I said: right?”

“Yeah, sure. I’m sorry for being nosy,” Spencer replies, nodding.

***

“Brendon, can I ask you something?” mom starts when I enter the kitchen, searching for some food.

“Sure. What’s up?” I ask, hopping onto the kitchen counter, but jumping back off two seconds later when my mom shoots me a don’t-do-that glare.

“That Ryan boy you’ve been going to a lot lately,” she says and then she goes silent for a few seconds as if she’s hesitating about what she’s going to say next. “Is he just a friend or… more?” she eventually questions, giving me a serious look.

“He’s my boyfriend,” I reply in all honesty. I don’t see the point in lying to her. Ryan is my boyfriend and I’m damn proud of that. “There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?”

“Of course not.” Mom smiles, shaking her head. “But when you’re sleeping over at his place… just… be safe, okay?”

“Mom.” I roll my eyes at her. Ryan and I have been seeing each other for less than a week and she thinks we’re already having sex? “I’m not staying over at his place for that,” I tell her, shaking my head. “Nothing has happened, yet.”

“I thought so. But just in case,” she answers. “Anyway. I’m glad you’ve got a boyfriend. You should invite him over for dinner.”

“I’ll ask, but he’s kind of really busy with stuff at his home. I don’t know if he’ll have the time for it,” I answer, biting my lower lip. I don’t think my parents will like the fact that my new boyfriend’s the father of a six and a half month baby girl, so I better keep that a secret for a while.

“Oh, okay. Is everything alright with him? If he needs to get away from his parents or something like that for a little while, he can always stay over here.”

“Oh no. He’s alright. Just very busy, that’s all,” I reply, sending her a reassuring smile.

That’s not really lying, right? It’s just not telling the entire truth. Ryan really is fine, but he’s just busy. With his baby; but that’s something that mom doesn’t need to know.

***

During the past month, I’ve grown really, really close to Ryan. I might even dare to say that I’m falling in love with him pretty badly. And I’m not only getting closer to him, but also closer to Sam. I think she even recognises me whenever I come over. She’s so cute. My mom is still nagging to bring Ryan home to introduce him to her, but I know I can’t do that, because whenever Ryan’s not at school, he’s with Sam and well, I obviously can’t ask him over with her. He wouldn’t want that. And I don’t think I’m ready for that either.

“Do you want to go for a walk with me and Sam?” Ryan asks me on a Wednesday afternoon, after school. “It’s such nice weather and I think Sam will like a little walk because I barely do that with her. Mom and dad occasionally take her out, but I don’t because I hate the stares I always get,” he explains. “But if you’re coming with me, it’ll be less weird because you make me feel better about everything,” he adds, smiling widely and leans in to peck my lips.

“Yeah, a walk would be really nice,” I answer, nodding.

“Great. I’ll get Sam dressed and then I’ll get the pram,” he says and gets off the sofa we were sitting on, cuddling.

Fifteen minutes later, Ryan’s done with putting on the right clothes on Sam and we’re ready to leave. Ryan carefully puts Sam down in the pram and I open the door for him, closing and locking it when he has exited the house with Sam.

“Let’s go to the park, I think it’s nice there,” Ryan says, pushing the pram.

I nod in agreement and lay my hand on top of his so we’re pushing the pram together.

The walk to the park is quite long, so when we’re at the park, we sit down on a bench for a little while to rest. Hey, pushing a pram with a baby in it can be quite hard, so don’t judge me. Ryan takes Sam out of her pram and puts her on his lap. She can balance her head on her own now which is quite adorable because she’s constantly looking around her with huge interest. The world must look so huge for her. I can’t remember being so small and everything around me being so big, but it must be pretty fascinating and overwhelming.

My heart leaps in my throat when I see a familiar mop of bright orange hair coming into view. Shit, Hayley. She’s walking hand in hand with Patrick and I’m sure they have already seen us, because they are smiling widely and making their way straight to where me, Ryan and Sam are sitting.

“What do we do now?” I ask, keeping my voice low. “Are you going to say Sam’s your baby sister or your cousin?”

“I-I don’t know,” Ryan answers, his eyes glued to the couple that’s nearing us.

“Hey there, guys,” Hayley greets, giving us a quick wave. “Who’s this pretty baby?” she questions, crouching down in front of Ryan, stroking Sam’s hair with her index finger. “Is she your sister, because she looks a lot like you?” she wonders, still smiling brightly as she looks up at Ryan. She hasn’t got a clue.

“Erm… no, she’s not,” Ryan answers, his cheeks flushing a dark shade of red. “She… she’s my daughter,” he eventually says, grasping my hand tightly.

I give his hand a little squeeze, letting him know that it’s okay to tell Hayley and Patrick about Sam. They’re two people I trust to no end and I’m sure Ryan can trust them too.

Hayley’s eyes widen as she looks up at Ryan.

“Oh.” She mouths, obviously in shock. “Your daughter as in… you being her father?” she asks, standing up again. “I mean… I… what?”

“Yeah, I’m her father. Sam was born about seven months and a half ago,” Ryan explains, nervously tapping his index finger against Sam’s belly.

“I don’t understand,” Patrick butts in, looking genuinely confused. “If you have a baby, then why are you together with Brendon? I mean, if you… y’know… made a baby, there must be a mother and if you slept with the mother of this… baby… then you’re not really the gayest person around,” he states, frowning. “How does that work out?”

“Trick.” I sigh as I notice that Ryan’s beyond uncomfortable with having this conversation.

“Can you stop the cross-questioning, please?”

“No, Brendon, it’s okay. I’m not ashamed of Sam or anything. They can know,” Ryan speaks up and then he looks straight at Patrick and Hayley for the first time since they came into view. “I’m bi and Sam’s mom left me and the baby soon after Sam was born. I’ve been taking care of her ever since,” he explains and then he looks back down at Sam, smiling softly. “And we’ve been doing just fine, haven’t we, sweetie?” he whispers, pressing a gentle kiss against her head.

“Wow. That’s…wow. I hadn’t seen that one coming,” Hayley states, still clearly shocked.

Ryan chuckles softly, shaking his head in amusement.

“No one does, don’t worry,” he says.

I’m glad that he told Hayley and Patrick. I hated keeping this a secret from them, but I won’t have to do that anymore. And I’m also damn proud of Ryan for doing this. I hadn’t expected it, but it’s a nice surprise.

“But please don’t start telling everyone about this. Spencer and Jon can know, but I don’t need the entire school to know about Sam. I’m scared that they might start playing stupid tricks on me that might hurt Sam as well. I’d never forgive myself if something bad happened to her,” he tells Hayley and Patrick, looking at them with pleading eyes.

“Don’t worry, man,” Patrick starts, resting his hand on Hayley’s shoulder. “You can trust us.”

“Yeah, no worries,” Hayley agrees, nodding. “Now, can I hold that cute little girl? She’s beautiful.” She smiles and wriggles herself in between me and Ryan. “Please?”

“Of course you can,” Ryan answers, nodding. “Just be careful,” he adds as he lifts Sam off his lap, only to put her back down on Hayley’s.

Sam looks around her, as if she’s a bit confused and then she starts crying, stretching her arms towards Ryan.

“Oh God, I’m doing something wrong,” Hayley mutters, awkwardly looking down at Sam.

“Stop crying, little girl,” she whispers, rocking her back and forth a bit, but it doesn’t help much. Sam wants her daddy to hold her and nobody else.

“Sorry, she’s a bit afraid of people she hasn’t seen before,” Ryan says, taking Sam back on his lap. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he adds, holding Sam against his chest, trying to soothe her. “There’s no need to be scared, Sammie. Hayley’s a good friend of your daddy,” he whispers and a few seconds later, the girl stops crying. “Sorry,” he then says, turning to Hayley.

“It’s okay,” Hayley replies.

“Hey, Trick, when are we going to have our first baby?” Hayley wonders out loud, grabbing Patrick’s hand in hers, pulling him down on her lap.

Patrick’s eyes widen until they are nearly the size of saucers.

“In ten years?” he answers, making Hayley laugh loudly.

“I was just joking. I don’t want to have a baby yet. I don’t want to waste my youth,” she says, but quickly covers her mouth when she realises what exactly she just said. “Sorry, Ryan. I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I just meant that I wouldn’t be ready for a baby. I didn’t mean that you made a mistake or anything. Sorry.”

“I understand,” Ryan replies, biting his lower lip. “Erm… I think we should go back home now. It’s almost time for Sam’s midday nap,” he mutters, bending forward to put Sam back into her pram.

“I’m sorry, Ryan, I really didn’t mean what I just said. It just came out the wrong way,” Hayley tells him, putting her hand on Ryan’s shoulder.

“I know, Hayley.” Ryan nods, standing up. “But it really is time that Sam gets some rest,” he adds and then he turns to me. “Are you coming, Brendon?”

“Yeah, sure,” I answer. “See you tomorrow at school,” I say to Trick and Hayley, sending them both a smile.

“Yeah, see you,” Hayley and Patrick say in union and then we start walking away with our backs towards them.

“You’re not mad at Hayley for saying what she said, are you?” I ask once I’m sure that my two friends can’t hear us.

“No, I’m not,” Ryan answers, shaking his head. “It did hurt a bit when she said that, though. I know she didn’t mean it, but she said it anyway,” he says, slowing down his pace a bit. “I haven’t regretted having Sam for one single second, you know. To me she’s definitely not a waste of my youth. I love her more than anything in the world, so hearing from a friend that having a child at my ages is the same thing as wasting your youth hurts.”

“I understand,” I reply, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “And I don’t think you’re wasting your youth with Sam. She makes you happier than anything else in the world. Yeah, sure, she exhausts you, demands your attention all the time and whatnot, but you love her, so all of that doesn’t matter,” I tell Ryan and start rubbing my thumb over the knuckles of his hand.

“Exactly.” Ryan nods and stops walking. “You’re so amazing, did you know that?”

“So I’ve heard,” I respond, smirking. “And you’re amazing too, I might add. I’m really proud of you that you told Hayley and Trick about Sam. You did a good thing by that.”

“I think so too,” Ryan replies, smiling and leans a bit closer to me, brushing his nose against mine. “I never really said this, but… I love you, Brendon,” he says, his breath tickling my lips.

My heart skips a bit and I have to remember myself to keep on breathing.

“I love you too, Ryan,” I whisper, my voice a bit crooked because of the many emotions rushing through my head. I close my eyes, resting my forehead against Ryan’s and enjoy this short moment of pure happiness, before we start walking again.

***

“Is Ryan not coming to school today?” Jon asks me when he sees me sitting on my own on a bench in the hallway.

“He is, he’s just going to be a bit later,” I answer, letting out a long yawn.

I spent the night at Ryan’s again and Sam was really troubled which didn’t give me much opportunity to sleep because Ryan was constantly getting in and out of the bed. Occasionally he’d bring Sam to the room as well, hoping that she would sleep if he’d put her in his bed between us, but that didn’t help much. Ryan is going to be late because he had to go to the paediatrician with Sam for an injection against Hepatitis B and for a little check up as well. He’ll be back at school before noon, though. I had wanted to come along, but Ryan wouldn’t let me. He told me it was already bad enough that he was going to miss some classes, he didn’t want me to miss them either.

The day passes by really slow. Not having Ryan here is boring. I still have the other four of my group to talk to, but it’s not the same. I can’t give them quick kisses when the teacher’s not looking or send them sweet little notes.

“Sorry for being late, Mrs,” Ryan’s familiar voice speaks. I look up from the page in my History book I was reading and smile widely as I see Ryan standing in the doorframe of the classroom. “I had some obligations to attend,” he adds and then he walks over to where I am sitting.

“Don’t bother sitting down,” the teacher replies, but smiling to let Ryan know she doesn’t mean it in a harsh way. “The lesson’s over. Class dismissed.”

“Hey, pretty,” Ryan whispers, patting my knee as he sits down next to me anyway while I put all of my stuff in my backpack. I love it when he calls me pretty. It seems to becoming a pet name he uses a lot for me.

“Hey, Ry,” I reply, sending him a smile. “Did everything go well?” I ask, keeping my voice down so the rest won’t hear us. I know he probably doesn’t mind if the others hear, but I don’t know. I just want to leave that up to him, I suppose.

“Yeah.” Ryan nods. “Sam’s a very healthy baby. Her weight, reflexes and all that stuff are okay, so I suppose I’m doing good,” he adds, his face radiating with pride.

“You sure as hell are,” I agree, nodding and stand up, ready to leave the room.

“You’ve been a great help too the previous month. To me and to Sam,” he says, linking his hand with mine as we make our way to the school cafeteria. “You are becoming her second daddy if you ask me. She seems to be missing you when you’re not around,” he tells me.

Wow. Wait. Me, a daddy? I don’t know if I’m ready for that. Yeah, I love helping taking care of Sam, but being seen as one of her daddies? That’s too much for me.

“Erm… I think I forgot something in the classroom,” I mutter, pulling my hand away from his. “You go ahead and join the others. I’ll be right there,” I add and quickly walk away, completely distraught.

I hurry out of the school building, to the park, not planning on going back to school today. Going back to school means facing Ryan and I’m not sure if I can do that now. Does he really see a father for his daughter in me? I can’t handle such responsibility, I think. I’m just too young for that. But on the other hand, I do love Ryan and I guess I love Sam too. But I am not her father; that’s Ryan’s task. I’m fine with helping him with that task, but I’m not really sure if I’m fine with doing the same as he does. Sure, sometimes when I hold Sam or play with her while Ryan’s busy, I think of myself as being some sort of step-dad to her, but I can’t be like a real father to her. Maybe I should just take a distance from all of this, from Sam especially to see how it makes me feel. I don’t want to get rid of Ryan or Sam, but I’m seventeen for God’s sake, I’m not supposed to be dealing with this.

I sit down on the grass, underneath a tree and pull my knees up, hugging them to my chest. I rest my chin on my knees and start crying silently. When I started dating Ryan I never thought it would be so complicated or so intense. I don’t know if I can still handle all of this. I don’t move for a long time and just stare out in front of me, until my cellphone starts vibrating in my pocket. I know it’s Ryan, so I can’t be bothered to pick up. I don’t want to talk to him now. The vibrating stops after a short minute and I let out a sigh of relief when it does. He’s probably wondering where I am and what is taking me so long, but I can’t bring myself to explain all of this, it’ll probably break his heart and that’s not what I am aiming for.