In One Single Moment Your Whole Life Can Turn Around

SIX

“Brendon,” my mom calls, knocking on the door of my bedroom. “Hayley’s here for you,” she adds, opening the door of my room a bit. “Can she come in?”

“Sure,” I reply, keeping my face hidden from my mom.

I’m quite sure that my eyes are red from crying and my face stained with tears. I don’t want my mom to be wondering about what is going on. I hear the door opening further and footsteps entering my room.

“Hey, Brendon,” Hayley starts and sits down on the edge of my bed. “Where were you? You left after History. Ryan was really worried about you,” she tells me, resting her hand on my shoulder. “Is everything okay?” she asks, giving my shoulder a soft squeeze. I turn around, facing her and shake my head.

“I’m scared,” I tell her, fresh tears escaping from my eyes. “Ryan… Ryan said that I am becoming a second father to Sam,” I explain, wiping my tears away again with the back of my hand. “I’m not ready for that, Hayley. I can’t be a father.”

“Brendon.” Hayley sighs and wraps her arms around me, giving me a tight hug and letting me cry on her shoulder.

I don’t want to lose Ryan, I really don’t, but what if he doesn’t want me anymore when I tell him I can’t be a father?

“I don’t think Ryan wants you to be a father like he is for Sam. He probably just wants you to continue doing whatever it is what you’re doing now. I’m quite sure that he’s not asking you to move in with him and raise Sam together,” she continues while soothingly rubbing my back. “By saying that you’re becoming a father to Sam, he probably just wanted you to know that he appreciates your help and that you’re being awesome.”

“You think?” I question, pulling back from the hug and resting my head on Hayley’s shoulder instead. “Because I can’t live my life like Ryan is. I’m not as strong as he is,” I say, sniffing away my tears.

“You should talk to him about this. I can’t tell you for sure what Ryan thinks and feels,” Hayley tells me and I nod in response.

I should, but I’m scared that Ryan will hate when I tell him that I can’t be a father like he is.

“What if he dumps me when he knows I’m not capable of being a father for Sam?” I ask, looking straight into Hayley’s eyes. “He might think I’m not good enough.”

“That won’t happen,” Hayley replies, shaking her head. “That’s totally not Ryan. I don’t know him that well, but he’s not like that, I’m sure about that.”

***

I have a strong feeling of déjà vu when I’m standing in front of Ryan’s door, my hands deep inside my pockets and my heart pounding in my chest out of nervousness. Just like when I came here for the first time and found out about Sam. I hope things will end up as good as they did that day. I lift my hand to press the doorbell, but right before my index finger touches the bell, I jerk my hand back. I check my watch and sigh. At this time of the day, Sam is usually taking a short nap. I can’t ring the doorbell because that would wake her up. I still have the key Ryan gave me that one night I played that song for him. I forgot to give it back to him and it’s been in my wallet ever since. After hesitating for a few seconds, I take my wallet out of my pocket and take the key to open the door with it.

I enter the house quietly, doing my best not to wake Sam. First I check the living room, but there’s no Ryan to be seen there, then the kitchen, but again, no Ryan. He’s not in his bedroom either, so the next room I check is Sam’s. I carefully open the door, my heart breaking at the sight in front of me.

Ryan is sitting in the rocking chair with Sam sleeping in his arms. Tears are rolling down his cheeks and the sound of silent whimpers fill the room every few seconds. Shit, I did this to him. That’s not what I wanted.

“Ryan,” I breathe, taking a few step closer to him. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” I say, tears forming in my own eyes as well. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“What happened, Brendon?” he asks, looking at me through his puffy red eyes. “We were just talking and you just walked off. I thought you had left me when you didn’t answer my calls.”

“No. I wouldn’t leave you, Ryan,” I immediately reply, sinking down on my knees next to the chair. “I just got scared. I’m sorry.”

“Scared?” Ryan questions, coking an eyebrow as he looks down at me. “We were just talking, why would you get scared so suddenly? I don’t understand.”

I bite my lower lip and stay silent for a little while. How am I supposed to tell him what I felt without hurting him?

“Brendon, you can tell me,” Ryan mutters, looking down at me. “Unless you want to break up with me, then you can just go.”

“I’m not breaking up with you,” I say, shaking my head. “It’s just… when you said that I was becoming a second father for Sam, I freaked out,” I start, looking down at my hands instead of looking at Ryan. I just can’t look at him now. “The thing is…” I continue. “I can’t be a father to Sam like you are. I just can’t. I’m sorry.”

“Brendon,” Ryan whispers and to my biggest surprise there’s a small smile appearing on his face. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that Sam really loves you and that you’re being so amazing to the both of us,” he says and stands up. He walks over to Sam’s crib and lays her down in it. “You can’t be a father to Sam like I am, not even if you wanted. That’s my spot, even if that sounds incredibly big headed, but it’s true.”

“So you don’t want me to be a full-time daddy to Sam?” I ask, resting my hands on his hips.

I think I just made a huge fool out of myself for misinterpreting his words. That’s such a typical thing for me to do. Go Brendon!

“No, I just want you to love her and do whatever you feel comfortable with. I would never push you into more than you want, Brendon,” Ryan explains, looking me straight into the eye. “I’m sorry for giving you the idea of me wanting more than we have now.”
“It’s my fault. I was just being stupid,” I mutter, pulling him into a hug. “I love you so much,” I add, taking a deep breath, inhaling his sweet scent.

“I love you too, Brendon,” he replies, nuzzling his nose against my neck.

***

“Okay, I’m sure you guys know it’s my birthday tomorrow,” Hayley starts and climbs on top of a school desk, so that she rises above us all.

We’ve got lunch break now, but neither of us couldn’t be bothered to go to the school’s canteen to eat there, so we just stayed in this classroom where things are calmer and more cosy.

“Yeah, I think you’ve mentioned it before,” Jon replies. “A few thousand times or so,” he adds, smirking.

I laugh softly, resting my head against Ryan’s shoulder. Since we made up after the little misunderstanding yesterday, I somehow feel closer to him than I did before. I think it’s because I realized just how much he means to me.

“Shut up, Jon,” Hayley says, swinging her foot dangerously close to Jon’s face. “Anyway, to celebrate my birthday, I’m going out bowling and since that bowling on my own would be really boring, you are all invited to come with me. This Saturday in the afternoon,” she tells us, smiling widely as she looks down at each of us. “ Oh and Ryan, you can bring Sam too if you want because I’d really like you to be there,” she adds right before she jumps off the desk.

“Who is Sam?” Jon asks, cocking an eyebrow. “I thought Brendon was his boyfriend.”

“Oh… fuck… I’m sorry Ryan, I thought he knew,” Hayley says, covering her mouth. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay,” Ryan replies, sending her a reassuring smile and then he turns to Jon. “Sam is my baby daughter,” he explains while absently stroking my upper arm.

“You have a child?” Spencer asks, his eyes wide from surprise.

Ryan nods in response, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Yeah, Samantha, she’s a little bit more than seven and a half months old now,” he explains and then he takes away his hand from my arm. “I’ll show you a picture,” he says, bending down and fishing his cellphone out of his schoolbag. “This is her when she was just born,” he tells us, proudly showing us a picture of a tiny baby lying in a small bed at the hospital. Ryan is crouching down next to the bed, tears of happiness standing in his eyes. “And this is her now,” he then says, pushing a few buttons on his cellphone and then showing us a picture of me and Sam, making a tower with little, colourful, wooden bricks. Well, me doing the building and Sam knocking them over five seconds later.

“Awww, she’s adorable,” Spencer states, smiling. “I’m sure she’s in good hands with you.” He nods as he looks away from the little screen of the cellphone and at Ryan.

“She totally is,” I butt in and press a big wet kiss against Ryan’s cheek. “Ryan’s the best daddy in the world,” I say, ruffling my hand through his hair.

“Guys, stop it, you’re going to make me blush,” Ryan replies, grinning. “But thanks. I’m doing my best.”

***

“Sorry that we’re late. Sam was still sleeping and I didn’t want to wake her up,” Ryan tells Hayley. “Happy birthday,” he quickly adds, giving her three kisses on the cheek. He’s carrying Sam with him in a baby belt that keeps the baby hanging close to his chest.

“Thank you.” Hayley smiles, quickly patting Sam’s head. “Hey there little girl. Nice to see you again,” she says. “Don’t worry about being late. We haven’t started yet anyway.”

“Hey, Ryan,” I greet and swing my arm around his waist. “And Sam,” I add, pressing a quick kiss against her forehead.

“You’re giving her a kiss and I don’t get one?” Ryan asks, pouting. I laugh softly and lean in, kissing his soft lips. “Better.” He smiles as I pull away again.

“Oooh, so this is the famous Sam,” Jon starts, walking over to us, Spencer following suite. “She’s gorgeous,” he says and starts making silly faces, making Sam look at him with an odd expression.

“She is.” Spencer nods in agreement.

“I’ll just sit here with her while you guys play,” Ryan tells us, sitting down on something that looks a lot like a sofa, a few feet away from the bowling alley Hayley reserved for us. I shake my head.

“Nope. You’re going to play with the rest. I’ll look after her. It’ll do you good to relax a bit,” I tell him, leaning against the table.

“Are you sure?” Ryan asks, looking up at me.

“Yeah. Come on, just hand her over and go have some fun,” I answer, nodding and stretch my arms.

“Okay, if you really don’t mind,” he says, lifting Sam out of the baby belt. “If she’s being hard to handle, let me know,” he mutters, handing me the baby. “Thanks,” he adds and quickly pecks my lips.

“It’s noooo problem. Sam and I will have some fun on our own, won’t we?” I smile and support Sam to stand on my lap. She bounces up and down a little bit, bringing out some random syllables.

Hayley, Patrick, Ryan Spencer and Jon go to the bowling alley ready to play their first game. I’m so glad that Ryan decided to come here today. He really deserved some time to relax. I’m quite sure that since Sam was born, he has barely had some time to enjoy himself.

“Oooh, look who we have there,” I say, standing up and walking to the left wall of the bowling hall. The wall is one big mirror and I smile when I see mine and Sam’s reflexion in it. I take a few more steps closer to the mirror-wall, until we’re only five inches away from it.

“Look, that’s Sam,” I whisper, pointing at Sam’s reflexion in the mirror. “Sam,” I repeat, pressing my index finger against the mirror.

“Mmm,” Sam babbles, stretching her arm and resting the palm of her hand against the mirror as well. “Mmm,” she repeats a few seconds later.

“Sam,” I say again, tapping my finger against the mirror. “Sam and Brendon,” I then tell her, first pointing at her reflexion and then at mine.

Sam hits the wall again with her tiny hand, leaving a print behind where she touched the mirror.

“Be.” She giggles, smacking her hand against my reflexion. “Be,” she repeats and I think I just melted on the spot. Does she recognise me?

I turn away from the mirror and walk back to the spot we were sitting earlier. I sit down and put her down on my lap so she can see my face.

“Brendon,” I speak up, pointing at myself.

“Be,” Sam says, smiling at me. “Be.”

“Where is Brendon?” I ask, looking down at her. “Tell me where Brendon is.”

“Be,” Sam repeats, pressing her hand against my chest. “Be.”

“Yes, I’m Brendon.” I smile widely and lift her up in the air. “And where’s Sam?” I question, sitting her back down on my lap. “Ssaaaammm.”

“Hey, pretty, how are things going?” Ryan calls, coming closer to me. “Having a bit of fun?”

“Everything’s fine over here,” I answer, nodding. “I think I even learned her something,” I add, smiling proudly.

“Nothing bad, I hope,” Ryan replies, crouching down in front of me and Sam. I shake my head in response. Like I would ever teach her bad manners.

“Look,” I mutter. “Where’s Brendon?” I ask, looking at Sam. “Where is Brendon?”

“Be,” Sam says again with a smile and pats my chest.

“Awww, that’s cute. I thought she only did that when she saw me,” Ryan whispers, pecking his daughter on the cheek. “And where’s daddy? Tell us where your daddy is.”

“Da.” Sam giggles, stretching her arms towards Ryan.

“Dada. Say it, Sam. Da-Da.”

“Da,” Sam repeats, her little arms still stretched. “Da.”

“I think she wants you to hold her,” I tell Ryan, lifting Sam. “How is the bowling going?” I ask as Ryan takes Sam over from me. “Are you winning?”

“Not the slightest bit,” Ryan answers with a shrug. “I’ve never done this before so I really suck. You can take my place for a little while and try to lift my score a bit while I sit here. We can switch every once in a while so things don’t get too boring,” he suggests, pulling Sam up into a standing position so she starts bouncing up and down again, clearly enjoying herself.

“That’s a good idea.” I nod, standing up. Before I go join the others, I bend down and peck Ryan’s lips. “I love you,” I whisper as I pull back, smiling.

“You too, pretty boy,” Ryan replies, bumping his nose against mine.

During the next hour, all of us switch roles every once in a while so everyone looks after Sam while the others play the game. It’s fun like this and I think Sam loves all the attention she’s getting as well. Eventually, Jon, Spencer, Ryan and I end up at a table not too far away from the bowling alley while Patrick and Hayley are playing a game against each other.

“We can look after Sam for a little while,” Jon suggests, holding the baby close to his chest. “So you and Brendon can have some alone time,” he adds, sending the both of us a smile.

“Yeah. We can do that. And you don’t have to worry. I look after my little cousin the entire time, I know how to deal with babies,” Spencer says, nodding. “What do you say?”

“If you really want to,” Ryan answers, nervously biting his lip. “But please be careful. Don’t go outside or too far away. I’ll kill you if something bad happens to her,” he tells the two boys. “And I mean that.”

“No worries. We’ll be fine. Won’t we Sam?” Jon says, stroking the back of Sam’s head.

It’s really nice of them to do this. Ryan and I are often together, but always at Ryan’s place or at school. We never really went on a date, because Ryan has to stay at home with Sam, so this is sort of our first date. Some time alone with him would definitely be nice.

“Okay then.” Ryan nods, stretching his arm and taking Sam’s hand in between his thumb and index finger. “But no longer than twenty minutes.”

“Okidoki,” Jon replies and stands up. “We’ll be back before you know,” he reassures Ryan and starts walking, Spencer following him. They sit down not too far away from us so we can still see them, but at the same time giving us enough privacy.

Ryan seems to relax once he realises that Sam is in good hands with Jon and Spencer. He ghosts his lips over mine, his right hand resting on my chest and his left one pressed against the back of my head. The tip of his tongue peeks out from his lips and he drags is over my lips for a few seconds. When he pulls back, he’s grinning widely.

“You taste so damn good,” he whispers, tracing his tongue over his own lips now and smacking them to prove his point.

“I could definitely say the same thing about you.” I smile and lean in again, harshly pressing my lips against his.

I force my tongue into his mouth and caress his tongue with it. At first the kiss is slow and gently but after a minute or so I intensify it by pressing Ryan as close to me as I can, deepening the kiss. His hand slides down my chest and to my biggest surprise it takes a halt at my crotch. He applies some pressure to it, making me moan softly into his mouth. I break the kiss a few seconds later, my face probably flushed from Ryan’s sudden forward actions.

“We can’t do things like this here. We’re in public,” I tell him, resting my forehead against his.

“Thank God that Jon and Spencer are looking after Sam right now. She’d be traumatised if she had seen her daddy doing that with his boyfriend,” Hayley says, flopping down next to us.

Ryan immediately takes his hand away from my crotch, blushing heavily.

“Don’t be embarrassed. It’s nice to see that Trick and I aren’t the only ones with hormones.” Hayley smiles, winking at Ryan.