Girls Do What They Want

"I'm gonna miss you so much, Car!" Pat yelled, wrapping his lanky arms around me once more.
"I'm gonna miss you too, Pat," I replied, kissing his cheek. "Don't worry, I'll come visit you guys in Arizona when the tour's over."
"But that's for months!" Kennedy whined.
"You'll get through it." I said, my stomach still in knots. We were outside my apartment and it was 1 AM; the guys had played a show in Anaheim earlier in the night and had insisted on driving me home. They still didn't know that I lost my job.
"Barely." Garrett mumbled sadly.
"Guys, be happy! You won't have to deal with a stupid girl on tour now!" I exclaimed, attempting to lighten to mood.
"That doesn't matter, Carter! Why do you have to drop off the damn tour?" Jared asked, frustration and sadness obvious in his voice.
"I'm sorry," I said. "It's just way too much for me. I prefer my office here in LA, you know? I had a blast with you guys though. Don't worry, we'll all keep in touch."
I looked at all of them -- every one of them had a sad look in their eyes, including John, though he hadn't said a word.
I looked at my Blackberry, showing them the time.
"C'mon, it's already 1:30. You guys should be on the road. You have a show to get to!"
The boys sighed.
"It won't be the same without you, Car." Kennedy said, hugging me again.
"I know. I'm gonna miss you boys."
"We're gonna miss you more!" Pat exclaimed, joining in on Kennedy and I's hug. Soon enough, everybody was embraced together in a group hug.
"I'll see you guys in a few months, alright?" I asked as we all broke apart. "Please don't hurt yourselves while you're out there, either."
"We'll try." Garrett said, smirking slightly. I smiled at him.
"Bye Carter!" The boys exclaimed as they slowly made their way back into their tour bus. I sighed, unlocking the front door to my house, holding back tears. I felt terrible. Although the beginning of tour had been rough, the guys had been absolute sweethearts to me and tried making me feel as comfortable as possible.
I walked into the living room of my LA apartment, dragging all my suitcases in with me. After a month and a half on tour, the room looked incredibly foreign to me. I didn't bother cleaning up the dead flowers on the dining room table or washing the cup of tea that I had left in the living room when I left; I went straight to my room and dropped everything on the floor. Immideatly, tears began flowing down my cheeks and I took off my heels, throwing them against the wall. Why was so I goddamn scared of everything? I loved being on tour with The Maine, so what was holding me back?
Then, as I plopped down on my bed, sobs quickly erupted from my throat, the answer almost seemed to whisper in my ears. John.
The person that I had been afraid of at the beginning was still the person I was afraid of now, just for different reasons. Without realizing it, I had developed feelings for him. He meant more to me than any of those boys and hadn't even said a word to me when I left. He had single-handedly broken my heart and I didn't even know it.
Crawling under the covers with my black jeggings and crisp white tank top on, I continued crying my eyes out. Because of losing my job, because of lying to the guys, and because I was in love with John.
Slowly, sleep began to willingly come over me. I closed my eyes, hoping to wake up on the bus, like all of this was only a dream.
~
"I'm on a trip, I can't get off, can't get over. I want it all, I want it all inside of you. I call you up, you're getting off, I'm coming over."
I sighed, rubbing my eyes tiredly as I listened to my personalized The Maine ringtone (courtesy of John, by the way. What a great reminder). The bright LA sun instantly shone threw my window, making me wish I never even opened my eyes. Forcing myself to roll over, I grabbed my Blackberry, looking at the little screen. Incoming call: Avery.
Fuck. She knew I was officially home, and probably wanted to know everything about tour, including why I didn't work at Fearless Records anymore.
Obediently, I pressed the little green button, putting the phone to my ear.
"Hello?" I answered in a groggy tone.
"Carter!" Avery's voice rang through my ears, making me squeeze my eyes. "Where are you?"
"My bed," I replied. "Geller fired me for dropping off the tour."
"No shit! He just came in here and told us. Why didn't you tell me he fired you? I could've done something!"
"Don't worry about it, Avery. I'll be there in an hour to pick my shit up."
"Carter--"
I cut her off, hanging up on my former assistant. I dragged myself out of bed, checking the rest of the messages on my phone. Twenty-six unread emails, three unread texts (presumably from the guys), and nineteen missed calls.
The emails could wait as well as the texts. Seventeen of the calls were from Avery, one of them was from Garrett, and another one of them was from John.
My throat instantly went dry as I slowly began checking the texts. Two were from Garrett checking up on me, and the last one was from John. It had been recieved at 4:23 AM. The three simple words that the text message entailed only made me want to break down even further. Guilt and sadness washed over me as I read the message over and over again. I miss you.
Deciding to go in the clothes I wore yesterday (and had slept in), I quickly brushed my teeth and put my hair up in a messy ponytail. I slipped on a pair of flip flops and grabbed my keys, making my way out of my apartment. The bright sun instantly made me regret not bringing my sunglasses, but nevertheless it was tolerable. Just like everything else in life.
Deciding against driving to the office since it was only a ten minute walk, I began to read through Garrett's text messages. I didn't exactly know how to respond to John's. I mean, "I miss you" seemed easy to reply to, but with the emotions I was feeling it almost seemed impossible to even think about him.
From: Garrett :)
Hey girly, we miss you already! Hope your first day at work goes great. Can't wait to see you in a few months when this dang tour is over.
The next:
From: Garrett :)
Hey, you're probably still asleep but do you have any idea what's up with John? He's acting really weird. Anyways, talk to you later Carter!
I swallowed, standing in front of the Fearless Records building. I stuffed my phone in my back pocket, a million thoughts going through my brain. I used to be thought of as intimidating in the offices, now I was just Carter -- the girl that dropped off tour because she couldn't take it.
As soon as I stepped onto my floor, everyone's eyes were glued to me. Avery came rushing over to me, her blonde hair neatly tucked into a bun. She instantly threw her arms around me.
"Carter!" She exclaimed as I reluctantly hugged her back.
"Hey Avery," I greeted.
"How was it?" Avery asked me as we walked into my office, closing the door behind me.
"I feel like shit." I sighed, plopping down onto the chair next to my desk.
"Yeah, you don't look so great. No offense."
I shrugged, beginning to go through my drawers and emptying everything out.
"So... you left because of this John guy? The lead singer, right?"
"Part of the reason," I replied, my breath getting stuck in my throat as she mentioned his name. "He was a dick to me at the beginning. He hated me, for whatever reason. But some how things got better, and put out hatred behind us and--"
"Oh my gosh, you guys had sex!" Avery exclaimed, quickly covering her mouth when she realized how loud she had said that.
"No!" I hissed. "Shut the fuck up, will you?!"
"Sorry." Avery whispered, attempting to hide the giggle coming from her lips.
"Anyway, we became friends. And I lied to all of them because I knew that if they knew I got fired they wouldn't let me leave. But I had to leave. I didn't realize it before but I did last night and... and I think I'm in love with John, Ave."
"Holy shit!" Avery whispered fiercely. "Carter Hall is in love?"
"Possibly." I mumbled, dumping everything in the last drawer into a cardboard box.
"Well... why did you drop off the tour then?"
"Because, I can't be in love. Love is stupid. John's a manwhore who obviously would never love me back. He didn't he say good-bye to me when I left. We're just not meant to be, and I have to get over him on my own." I explained, taping up the first box.
"Wow." Avery breathed. "So you're just gonna... delete him from your life?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. The guys were such sweethearts to me, they were literally perfect. They still are. But John's different. I promised them I would visit them in Arizona when their tour ends but that's in two months. They go over to the UK in a week."
As if on cue, my phone vibrated again. I sighed, checking it. A text from Jared.
From: Jaredddd
Is everything okay? We just got a call from your boss and he told us that you're not working for him anymore....
My jaw dropped.
"Shit, shit, shit!" I exclaimed, showing the text to Avery.
"You have to tell them the truth, Carter," Avery insisted.
"They're gonna hate me." I said, tears pooling in the corners of my eyes.
"Car, if they care about you as much as you said they do, they're not gonna hate you. They're probably gonna be pissed but they're not gonna hate you."
I sighed, clicking on Jared's name and pressing the phone to my ear. I sat down Indian style on the chair, ignoring the fact that I was barely done packing.
"Hello? Carter?" Jared instantly picked up. He sounded disheveled and confused.
"Hey." I squeaked into the phone.
"What's going on? You got fired?" He asked.
I swallowed, my throat going dry. "Yeah."
"But you said that your boss gave you your job back."
"I lied," I confessed. "I'm sorry Jared, I couldn't stay on the tour anymore. It wasn't you or the guys, it was me. My feelings got in the way of everything. And I... I can't go back, okay? I need you to understand this."
"Carter, I still don't get it. Why did you lie to us? And why did you need to get off the tour so damn bad? Were we that bad?"
"No, Jared, it wasn't you guys! Please, it wasn't you guys," I repeated, tears beginning to stain my cheeks. "It's just... s-something happened. I can't tell you, but something happened to me that I promised would never happen to me. And I ran away from my feelings because I'm scared. That's why I dropped off the tour and I lied to you guys, because I knew that if I told you all the truth, you would make me stay on the tour. I'm so sorry, Jared."
"You're not making any sense, Carter," Jared said into the phone, an angry tone in his voice. "Can't you just tell me what these 'feelings' are? What, are you pregnant or something?"
"No, Jared, I can't. I'm sorry. You guys were all so sweet and welcoming and you don't deserve this but I couldn't stay. Somebody... somebody on the tour effected me in such a huge way, in a way I wouldn't have ever thought." I tried explaining to him, but he was obviously still confused.
"Whatever, Carter. If you're not willing to fess up about why you're really not here, then I'm not willing to talk to you. Bye."
And with that, the line went dead.