Natural Isn't Always Right

I am such a bloody fucking bastard.
How could I do that to my beautiful boyfriend, the guy I’d magically managed to get pregnant? Now why am I asking idiotic questions? Of course I know why I did it, I was so god damn angry at him, but I know he didn’t mean it so why did I go and sleep with one of his best friend’s?
I never knew that those three little words could hurt so much, I’d had them tossed at me practically all my life, but when the one person you’d give the world for utters them it’s like having your heart repeatedly stabbed before the remains are shredded into tiny pieces.
I hate you.
Three tiny words and I’d gone and sabotaged our whole relationship, our two year relationship in one fucking night. I know that even if I somehow manage to overcome all the guilt, succeed in lying to his face and swearing I never would cheat, James would admit it to him. At least one of us would crack, I just have to hope that if I tell Sean the truth that he’ll still love me, that he’ll forgive me and that it won’t hurt him too much.
I really am that much of a moron, of course it’s going to hurt him, it’s going to rip him to pieces. I’m going to see him cry. That’s punishment enough, seeing and hearing him cry is the most painful thing in the world, it’s the most awful sound to ever grace this earth. He never deserves to cry.
I just have to thank Rhys and Gavin, they’ve taken him away for two weeks, just to try and get to grips with this whole thing.

“I’m so sorry Ian.”
“I’m the one that should be sorry.”
“What’d you mean.”
“I’ll tell you when you get back.”
“I miss you.”
“You too.”
“I love you.”
“...”

***

Not being able to say I love you to him is eating me inside, I can’t lead him on. I can’t tell him I love him, after what I’ve done, he’ll just throw it back in my face, it’ll just give him something else to scream at me.
Well now or never.
My hand had barely connected with the door for a second time, when I was hit with the full force of my beloved soon to be ex boyfriend. Not by my choice, but I’m sure that’s exactly what he would want to happen. Never have I seen the blonde boy so happy to see me, he had a grin that was practically ear to ear, squeezing all the air from me. Bloody hell this was going to be hard. It was at the precise moment that I got my first proper look at him.
Two weeks that’s all it was, but he was massive compared to the last time I saw him... Or maybe it’s because he’s ditched the baggy clothes, but I could have sworn he was wearing that shirt as a baggy one three or so weeks ago.

“I missed you so much it’s been unreal.” The words were so soft, so delicate, yet so excited at the same time.
“That’s the last time you’ll say that to me.” Well I have to be blunt, it’s like with my dad, I just have to try and be as quick as possible, it’ll be less painful that way... I hope.
“What’d you mean?” He was so confused bless him.
“Sean darling... I’m so sorry... I didn’t mean for it to happen, but you hurt me so much...” It really was harder to be straight forward with him, than my dad, just the look in his eyes was being to kill me. “I... slept with James.”

Emotions flashed so quickly over his face it was extraordinary. First he was filled with rage, soon to be replaced by hurt, then betrayal, before it was rounded off with a heart broken look.
“Wasn’t I good enough?”

I suppose I’d expected him to scream at me, to tear my hair out, to block it all out with rage. He didn’t. Those four words were the final thing he spoke, before tears began sliding down his cheeks and he slammed the door in my face.
It was more excruciating than I had imagined.