The Last Thing I See

Dear Lillian,

I never said I'd wait up, but I did. I always waited for you to come home. That night, I waited for what felt like forever, I never knew you'd had an accident. I never knew my sister died while I was looking at the phone, getting annoyed about why you weren't home and why you hadn't called. I was still waiting. If I'd have gone with you, we'd still be together, we'd still laugh at Gerard when he was around. Gerard was your best friend, he was with you that night, you offered him a lift home so he walked you to your car and kissed you in thanks. You never knew that he loved you.

Now years have passed and I still can't just forget you, my beautiful girl. It feels like my world is ending, your face will be the last thing I see when I die, I'm sure of it. I wish I could hold you in my arms, hold you close and take you home. Home, somewhere that'll never be the same without you, a place you'll never come back to.

When Gerard visits, he makes me feel ok about being alive without you, Lil. He makes me understand that you wouldn't want me to die. You and him were such good friends for so long, he helps me through the worst of the times since you've been gone, when I wonder aloud what your secrets were, the things you never told me, like that time you came home smiling that smile that you kept for Gerard and I. We knew you had someone special, but I didn't know who. Turns out, neither did Gerard.

I never get the feeling that I'm alone when Gerard's around, he lets me remember, but not to get sad about you. We can talk for days about you and never get upset, just remember how blessed we both were to have you in our lives for as long as we did. I miss you so much and he understands that, he loved you more than you know.

I get the feeling that you loved him the same way, I remember you talking about him constantly. I remember when he told you he was dating Ray and you cried for days. I always hated him a little for that. I remember you fighting with him over silly things and shouting that he was over protective, I was glad of him. You never would have let me get away with interfering with just an argument.

We love you Lil, both of us. We live our lives now and we know you're there watching us. I know you were there when we cried all our tears separately when you died, when I blamed Gerard for you dying.

I know you watched us from where-ever you are and told us not to be stupid when we started falling for each other and wondering if you'd approve. I love you and I know Gerard loves you. He still feels guilty you know, wondering if you were still here, if you'd have been together and I wouldn't have the love for me he holds now. He wakes up at night when he thinks of you too much, when he remembers how you died and wonders why it was you and not him.

He wants answers that he'll never get.

The first time we kissed was on your birthday. We were crying and holding hands, leaning on each other for support when I looked up at him and he kissed me. It was meant as a gesture of support but it meant so much more to us both, but we didn't dare act on our feelings back then.

After that, we never spoke for days. I'm not sure if I was waiting for him to call or hoping that he wouldn't. I didn't want to hurt you sis. I knew I was falling for him and I knew how he'd fallen for you. When he arrived at my door, and I answered, he looked at me as if he wanted to see someone else. I think he was looking for you.

I never felt second best to you Lil and I hope that you don't think that I replaced you in Gerard's life either. We took so long to accept that you were never coming home, and some days it felt that it was the end of the world not seeing you and knowing that we never would again.

After we'd been without you for a year, Gerard and I told each other how we felt and slowly stopped being there for each other because you weren't, and started being together for ourselves. I fell for him Lil, and I know if you were here, you would have been mad at us for not telling straight away and then jumped on one of us screaming happily. We were your boys.

We celebrated our engagement without you, but you were there. We had a photo of your graduation on the mantle piece, smiling down at us in the same place you'd been since that night. Everyone came, Mikey stood at the fireplace all night staring at you, his mouth moving silently as he spoke to you.

On the night of our engagement, after everyone except our families went home, Gerard and I learned that Mikey was the reason for your special smile before you died. I'll never know how you kept it from both of us. I don't know why you wanted to keep it from us, did you think that we wouldn't approve?

Mikey cried that night, something which I'd never seen him do before. He'd missed you silently for three years, never mentioning you to either Gerard or me. We sat up all night, remembering everything about you again.

Gerard said that he could understand why Mikey was dating you. I could too, you were the most amazing person I've ever known. I swear I hear you talking to me sometimes, when me and Gerard fight or when I've not phoned our mother for too long. I know you're here, and you watch over the pair of us as we go through our lives together, hands entwined.

When Gerard got attacked on the way home from work, I know you were with him until the ambulance got to him. When they found the attacker in a hospital bed with a broken jaw and a mark on his cheek that looked suspiciously like the ring you used to wear, I knew you were still with us.

I don't know how I got through those days when Gerard was hurt. The doctors never knew if he'd pull through, and although most of me wanted him to wake up and for everything to go back to how it was, there was that small part of me that knew that if he didn't, you'd be there and neither of you would be alone ever again. That part of me never wanted him to wake up so he'd never have to be hurt again.

I can't tell you how much I love him Lillian, I can't. I love him as much as I miss you and that's off the scale. I wish you were here, I wish that I didn't have to write down how Gerard makes me feel, that we could sit there and talk about it all.

Gerard makes the pain of missing you go away, if only for a little while. When he kisses me, it's like all the tears I've ever cried never happened. When he holds me, it reminds me of being young and you holding me when I got scared, but there is so much more than you to Gerard and I now. I don't think I need to feel guilty about that.

When we first started talking, it was therapy for us both, we'd lost the most important person in our lives and we had a mutual pain. Then the pain began to fade and we began to laugh again, and eventually fall in love.

I want to thank you for having Gerard in your life, for bringing him into mine. We talked about you on our wedding day. Our speeches spoke about you and how we'd found happiness within each other through tragedy, through friendship and loss. Mikey laughed at Gerard in a suit, he said that you always thought he looked more awkward than Mikey did normally and he never saw it until that day.

Mikey in a suit however, I hope you saw that Lil. If you loved that boy with all his gangly awkwardness, you would have fainted at how he looked in that suit. Although he did blush an awful lot when people kept saying that to him. Of course, he even looked away when we kissed at the altar.

Mine and Gerard's wedding night didn't go how most wedding nights do, in a flurry of romance and lust. Ours was spent talking about you, how we'd never see you marry Mikey, how you'd never come home squealing that you were pregnant and how you'd never embarrass us with the stories that we'd never tell anyone.

It was on our wedding night that Gerard told me what happened when you died. I knew that you were driving, I knew that you lost control of the car when something distracted you. I knew that the car flipped and you were pushed into the steering wheel, puncturing your lungs.

I never knew that Gerard pulled you from the wreckage to try and save you even though he was badly injured himself. I never knew how loud he was when he screamed at the top of his lungs as you died. I never knew you died in his arms telling him to make sure Gerard and I looked after each other.

I don't think we'd ever fully let you go until that night. When we fell asleep in each others arms, we dreamt of you. I saw you kiss me goodbye, the buildings collapsing around us. You hugged me, then Gerard and placed our hands together. You closed our eyes, smiling, and when I opened them you were gone. You were the last thing I saw as the world ended, you were never coming home. I knew that you would always haunt me, I'd see your smile on that photo and I'd feel ok. I knew that there were things that you'd never told me and I knew that all the wounds I had left from your death wouldn't scar me anymore.

When I woke up I realised that you'll always be there watching me and Gerard live our lives, together, happily and without you. The one thing we wish we could change.

I'll always love you sis, but I won't cry over you anymore.
Your little Frankie
xxx

PS. Gerard says he loves you too. X