Status: Completed
Urbanity
Endings
The boys woke up at 10:00. I made them breakfast and got dressed in my new clothes. It felt odd not wearing the sweatshirt. “We’ve gotta set off today. The concert is in Gusteu.” I choked on my toast, falling against the table. “Where?” “Gusteu? It’s about a hundred miles from here.” They were all smiling innocently. Gusteu was where I had lived. My parents were still there. “Do you know about it?” Sean asked. “Uh, I did a project on it once.” They looked at me and shook their heads. “You’re weird sometimes, Alice.” “Uh, yeah, ha, of course.” I couldn’t take it much longer-I felt like my chest was being squeezed. “I have to go to the bathroom!” I hurried off.
The bathroom was cold, but I could finally sit down and put my head in my hands. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh fuck, oh please no.” Tears fell off my face and dripped to my jeans. I couldn’t go back there, everyone would know who I was, they’d tell the band and I’d be alone again. And the pain that would cause the guys, knowing they had someone like me around them-I couldn’t think of it. I stayed in the bathroom until Mace knocked on the door. “Alice, I’m hoping you’re okay in there?” “Fine!” I called back. I fixed myself up and left.
I see faces in the dark
Calling to me, calling to me
Whispering my name through cracked lips, fingers outstretched.
Turning, they disappear into shadows,
Skeleton smiles flashing as they call to me, call to me.
I had reached the end. I was so tired I stumbled, and the edge of my vision was blurry. I slurred when I spoke and I couldn’t think of anything quickly. The boys worried for me. “Alice, please sleep.” “Here, have some milk. Maybe it’ll soothe you.” “We’ll play a song for you.” Mace would say.
I don’t know what to say dear, I don’t know what to say
You said you’d never leave dear, you’d never go away
And know I’m all alone dear, I really wish you’d stay
Just a few more minutes, dear.
Remember all the times we had?
The music helped me rest, but not enough. My whole body was tense, yet I couldn’t focus on what I was scared of. I was skittish, jumping at small noises and gasping. At 8:00 p.m. the guys actually forced me to sleep. “You’re going to get sick or something, Alice. Please.”I fell asleep and dreamed.
I was in the room again, but there was no Jason. The monster lay across from me, blood staining its teeth. It smiled at me, letting its long tongue loll out. “Gwen...where is the love? Have you brought it to me? Find the love, Gwen.” “Please....I don’t have it. I can’t find it!” The monster sighed like I was stupid and rolled its blind eyes. “Don’t you understand, Gwen? Haven’t I shown you enough?” “Please....”
It stood and walked towards me. I was stuck where I stood. The monster stopped before me and raised a hand to its throat. “You’re so blind, Gwen.” As I watched the monster slit its own throat. But instead of falling to the floor, its skin peeled off to reveal....me. Now I saw it. I’m the monster, I’m the one who wants to find love. And I’ll never be able to find it, because of who I am. A monster. The other me smiled and embraced me, filling me with darkness. I screamed.
And woke up screaming. It was 9:00 p.m. I was hysterical, thrashing at my sheets, howling for help, yelling my brother’s name. The boys were already up, Mace bending over me and holding my arms down. “Alice! Alice, please!” “My name’s not Alice!” Mace froze and took his hands off me. “What?” Looking at their faces, suddenly I had to tell the truth. They’d taken me in, fed me, clothed me, and I lied to them. “My name isn’t Alice! It’s Gwen. Gwen Renisilia.” I had the full attention of every band member.
“I’ve been lying to you. I didn’t run away because my father abused me. I ran away because I killed my brother in cold blood.” “Wait, what?”Tyo gasped out. “I killed my brother. But I had a reason.” As I began the story, the full memory came back.
Jason, my brother, was him. Two years older than me, and until I turned 16 he was a perfectly fine brother. Then I grew up. I was at one of his parties, at our house, and I was slightly drunk. Jason dragged me upstairs and raped me for the first time. I was so ashamed I didn’t tell anyone. And so he continued doing it, brazenly. He would hit me, leave bruises on my skin, make me bleed. I wanted desperately to tell someone, save myself, but I couldn’t.
Jason said our parents wouldn’t believe me, and I knew people would be disgusted by what had happened. He did that for two years, until I wasn’t myself anymore. I lost all my friends and rarely talked. Jason thought it was funny, he enjoyed my sadness. I had reached the end. I was considering suicide.
The day I call The Horror happened a week after my 18th birthday. I think Jason worried I would run away and his toy would be gone, so decided to test my obedience. I was in the backyard, practicing batting. I played softball for a really long time, and it was one of the few things I still liked. I was swinging a wooden bat. Jason came up behind me and grabbed my boobs. “Hey there bitch,” he whispered. I shivered and asked him to stop, but he didn’t.
He swung me around to face him. “You’re such a little whore. I can make you do whatever I want. You’re my slave, and you’ll never get out from under me.” He leered. “Both figuratively and literally.” Jason stepped back to look me up and down. “Our parents never notice, so you’ll never leave me.” He opened his arms wide and laughed. “You’re so pathetic you can’t even defend yourself.”Jason taunted me, standing there smirking. “Go on, attack me.” I was trembling, hands white knuckled on the bat.
“This is why I can take you every night if I want to. You’re my bitch, and I’ll never stop hurting-” I swung the bat as hard as I could at his head, hearing a thump then a crack. The bat broke in half from the force I’d used. The smile on Jason’s face fell, and his eyes glazed over as he toppled to the ground. His skull was half caved in, gushing with blood. There was absolutely no doubt he was dead. My parents got home moments later to find me standing over Jason with a bloody bat, silent tears falling down my face. It was obvious to them-I’d murdered my brother.
My parents refused to be around me after that. They fed me and all, but I knew they didn’t love me anymore. I started having the nightmares, where Jason would be there with the monster. I wasn’t sent to prison-my lawyer got me off for temporary insanity. I didn’t tell anyone the truth-they all thought Jason was an innocent boy tragically murdered by his bloodthirsty, insane brute of a sister. I was too ashamed to correct them, too dizzy to really focus.
I was universally hated and feared. Jason had been beloved by the many he didn’t show his true face to. I was sent to therapy, but the therapist had known Jason. He would glare at me the whole meeting, so eventually I plead out of them. A month after my brother died I ran away from home, from the town where everything reminded me of what Jason had done, what I had done. I spent months on the run with barely any food and no money. I couldn’t sleep without being attacked by a memory of him or a nightmare. The band had been my last hope.
I finished talking, sobbing into my hands. I was crying so hard I was making the little gasps children make. “You-can-throw me-out now,” I choked. I would have to starve or something. The room was totally silent. Grant and Tyo were staring at my face, while Sean had tears in his eyes. Mace hid his face. “I’m so sorry-I didn’t-want to lie-to you. But who-would-want me?”I began to shake with exhaustion and misery.
Suddenly they all got up and sat around me on the bunk. I accepted their touch-it would probably be the last time anyone would touch me with kindness. Mace had an arm around my shoulder, Grant took one hand, Sean took another, and Tyo hugged my waist. “Alice-Gwen, I guess. Gwen, we’re not kicking you out. Jesus, we’re not monsters. Neither are you.”Tyo hugged me close. “If I could bring your brother back, I’d kill him again. The fucking bastard.” “How could you hide this? Oh Al-Gwen. You’re a victim, you should’ve been protected by your parents. Don’t be ashamed, you did nothing wrong.”
“He deserved to be murdered. I only wish I could’ve held that bat.” I slowly stopped sobbing, absorbing their words. “We love you, Gwen. We’d never hurt you.”Suddenly I was very tired, beyond anything I’d ever been. I yawned widely and felt my eyes close. “You can sleep, Gwen. We’ll be right here.”I smiled blearily up at them, falling asleep to Mace’s voice.
A million children whining uselessly, hopelessly, for nothing
Their parents ache to reproduce, spread their poison through the world
Eyes rolling back, looking for the final salvation, or Hell, either one, doesn’t matter
Raise their passive aggressive fists to protest
Searching for some sign of other generations
I dreamed beautiful dreams about flying and the sun and just happiness. Bits of Urbanity’s songs floated through the sky, oddly outlined in clouds. I’m pretty sure I smiled in my sleep.
Wilting, writing in dark rooms, cut wrists of cat scratches, trying to find a way to get it worse
On their knees in hallways, tongues and teeth and lips and fists all in flickering neon colors
Dying to the beat
Hurt me, played me
Beaten me and not apologized
Lied to me with knowing eyes
All I know are your hands
All I wanted was you
Beaten abuse
You like to use
When I woke up it was still dark, but I felt rested anyway. The bus was moving. I stepped onto the floor and stretched. “Guys?” Mace walked from the kitchen. “We’re eating. C’mon in.” he smiled at me, silently reassuring me that they felt no differently. “I only slept for an hour,” I moaned, checking the clock. The guys looked at each other and laughed. “Uh, no, actually you slept for 24 hours. It’s the next day.” Whoa. “Oh. Uh, well then.”Tyo cleared his throat. “We’re in your town now.”
I sat down hard on a chair, finally seeing the familiar buildings of Gusteu out the window. “Alice. I mean, Gwen, how do you feel?” I considered for a few moments. “I feel pretty good actually. I’m not as tired.” They grinned at me. I went back to bed an hour later after eating some waffles. The band promised to wake me up when we stopped.
Made me ugly and afraid
All you wanted was to get laid
Congratulations, you succeeded
You were all I needed
You never cared
And now I’m scared
My bruises know your touch
Fucked!
Bleeding, sobbing, trapped
Behind bars you designed
Are you satisfied?
At 10:00 a.m I woke up. “Al-Gwen. Time to wake up.” Mace smiled down at me, and I got up to brush my teeth. “Gwen, I think you should call your parents.” Mace leaned against the bathroom door. I paused, mouth foaming with toothpaste. “Wha?” “You should tell your parents you’re back. Tell them about your brother.” “But, I-I,” I finished brushing and turned to him.
“You owe them the truth. And it might help you heal.”He already had the phone in hand. I took it, dialing the number I still remembered. The phone dialed, and someone picked up. “Hello?” I heard my mother’s voice for the first time in months. “Hello? Is anyone there?” Mace took my hand, wrapping his long fingers in mine. “Breathe,” he whispered. I did. “Mom? It’s Gwen. I’m back home. I think it’s time to tell the truth.”
END
The bathroom was cold, but I could finally sit down and put my head in my hands. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh fuck, oh please no.” Tears fell off my face and dripped to my jeans. I couldn’t go back there, everyone would know who I was, they’d tell the band and I’d be alone again. And the pain that would cause the guys, knowing they had someone like me around them-I couldn’t think of it. I stayed in the bathroom until Mace knocked on the door. “Alice, I’m hoping you’re okay in there?” “Fine!” I called back. I fixed myself up and left.
I see faces in the dark
Calling to me, calling to me
Whispering my name through cracked lips, fingers outstretched.
Turning, they disappear into shadows,
Skeleton smiles flashing as they call to me, call to me.
I had reached the end. I was so tired I stumbled, and the edge of my vision was blurry. I slurred when I spoke and I couldn’t think of anything quickly. The boys worried for me. “Alice, please sleep.” “Here, have some milk. Maybe it’ll soothe you.” “We’ll play a song for you.” Mace would say.
I don’t know what to say dear, I don’t know what to say
You said you’d never leave dear, you’d never go away
And know I’m all alone dear, I really wish you’d stay
Just a few more minutes, dear.
Remember all the times we had?
The music helped me rest, but not enough. My whole body was tense, yet I couldn’t focus on what I was scared of. I was skittish, jumping at small noises and gasping. At 8:00 p.m. the guys actually forced me to sleep. “You’re going to get sick or something, Alice. Please.”I fell asleep and dreamed.
I was in the room again, but there was no Jason. The monster lay across from me, blood staining its teeth. It smiled at me, letting its long tongue loll out. “Gwen...where is the love? Have you brought it to me? Find the love, Gwen.” “Please....I don’t have it. I can’t find it!” The monster sighed like I was stupid and rolled its blind eyes. “Don’t you understand, Gwen? Haven’t I shown you enough?” “Please....”
It stood and walked towards me. I was stuck where I stood. The monster stopped before me and raised a hand to its throat. “You’re so blind, Gwen.” As I watched the monster slit its own throat. But instead of falling to the floor, its skin peeled off to reveal....me. Now I saw it. I’m the monster, I’m the one who wants to find love. And I’ll never be able to find it, because of who I am. A monster. The other me smiled and embraced me, filling me with darkness. I screamed.
And woke up screaming. It was 9:00 p.m. I was hysterical, thrashing at my sheets, howling for help, yelling my brother’s name. The boys were already up, Mace bending over me and holding my arms down. “Alice! Alice, please!” “My name’s not Alice!” Mace froze and took his hands off me. “What?” Looking at their faces, suddenly I had to tell the truth. They’d taken me in, fed me, clothed me, and I lied to them. “My name isn’t Alice! It’s Gwen. Gwen Renisilia.” I had the full attention of every band member.
“I’ve been lying to you. I didn’t run away because my father abused me. I ran away because I killed my brother in cold blood.” “Wait, what?”Tyo gasped out. “I killed my brother. But I had a reason.” As I began the story, the full memory came back.
Jason, my brother, was him. Two years older than me, and until I turned 16 he was a perfectly fine brother. Then I grew up. I was at one of his parties, at our house, and I was slightly drunk. Jason dragged me upstairs and raped me for the first time. I was so ashamed I didn’t tell anyone. And so he continued doing it, brazenly. He would hit me, leave bruises on my skin, make me bleed. I wanted desperately to tell someone, save myself, but I couldn’t.
Jason said our parents wouldn’t believe me, and I knew people would be disgusted by what had happened. He did that for two years, until I wasn’t myself anymore. I lost all my friends and rarely talked. Jason thought it was funny, he enjoyed my sadness. I had reached the end. I was considering suicide.
The day I call The Horror happened a week after my 18th birthday. I think Jason worried I would run away and his toy would be gone, so decided to test my obedience. I was in the backyard, practicing batting. I played softball for a really long time, and it was one of the few things I still liked. I was swinging a wooden bat. Jason came up behind me and grabbed my boobs. “Hey there bitch,” he whispered. I shivered and asked him to stop, but he didn’t.
He swung me around to face him. “You’re such a little whore. I can make you do whatever I want. You’re my slave, and you’ll never get out from under me.” He leered. “Both figuratively and literally.” Jason stepped back to look me up and down. “Our parents never notice, so you’ll never leave me.” He opened his arms wide and laughed. “You’re so pathetic you can’t even defend yourself.”Jason taunted me, standing there smirking. “Go on, attack me.” I was trembling, hands white knuckled on the bat.
“This is why I can take you every night if I want to. You’re my bitch, and I’ll never stop hurting-” I swung the bat as hard as I could at his head, hearing a thump then a crack. The bat broke in half from the force I’d used. The smile on Jason’s face fell, and his eyes glazed over as he toppled to the ground. His skull was half caved in, gushing with blood. There was absolutely no doubt he was dead. My parents got home moments later to find me standing over Jason with a bloody bat, silent tears falling down my face. It was obvious to them-I’d murdered my brother.
My parents refused to be around me after that. They fed me and all, but I knew they didn’t love me anymore. I started having the nightmares, where Jason would be there with the monster. I wasn’t sent to prison-my lawyer got me off for temporary insanity. I didn’t tell anyone the truth-they all thought Jason was an innocent boy tragically murdered by his bloodthirsty, insane brute of a sister. I was too ashamed to correct them, too dizzy to really focus.
I was universally hated and feared. Jason had been beloved by the many he didn’t show his true face to. I was sent to therapy, but the therapist had known Jason. He would glare at me the whole meeting, so eventually I plead out of them. A month after my brother died I ran away from home, from the town where everything reminded me of what Jason had done, what I had done. I spent months on the run with barely any food and no money. I couldn’t sleep without being attacked by a memory of him or a nightmare. The band had been my last hope.
I finished talking, sobbing into my hands. I was crying so hard I was making the little gasps children make. “You-can-throw me-out now,” I choked. I would have to starve or something. The room was totally silent. Grant and Tyo were staring at my face, while Sean had tears in his eyes. Mace hid his face. “I’m so sorry-I didn’t-want to lie-to you. But who-would-want me?”I began to shake with exhaustion and misery.
Suddenly they all got up and sat around me on the bunk. I accepted their touch-it would probably be the last time anyone would touch me with kindness. Mace had an arm around my shoulder, Grant took one hand, Sean took another, and Tyo hugged my waist. “Alice-Gwen, I guess. Gwen, we’re not kicking you out. Jesus, we’re not monsters. Neither are you.”Tyo hugged me close. “If I could bring your brother back, I’d kill him again. The fucking bastard.” “How could you hide this? Oh Al-Gwen. You’re a victim, you should’ve been protected by your parents. Don’t be ashamed, you did nothing wrong.”
“He deserved to be murdered. I only wish I could’ve held that bat.” I slowly stopped sobbing, absorbing their words. “We love you, Gwen. We’d never hurt you.”Suddenly I was very tired, beyond anything I’d ever been. I yawned widely and felt my eyes close. “You can sleep, Gwen. We’ll be right here.”I smiled blearily up at them, falling asleep to Mace’s voice.
A million children whining uselessly, hopelessly, for nothing
Their parents ache to reproduce, spread their poison through the world
Eyes rolling back, looking for the final salvation, or Hell, either one, doesn’t matter
Raise their passive aggressive fists to protest
Searching for some sign of other generations
I dreamed beautiful dreams about flying and the sun and just happiness. Bits of Urbanity’s songs floated through the sky, oddly outlined in clouds. I’m pretty sure I smiled in my sleep.
Wilting, writing in dark rooms, cut wrists of cat scratches, trying to find a way to get it worse
On their knees in hallways, tongues and teeth and lips and fists all in flickering neon colors
Dying to the beat
Hurt me, played me
Beaten me and not apologized
Lied to me with knowing eyes
All I know are your hands
All I wanted was you
Beaten abuse
You like to use
When I woke up it was still dark, but I felt rested anyway. The bus was moving. I stepped onto the floor and stretched. “Guys?” Mace walked from the kitchen. “We’re eating. C’mon in.” he smiled at me, silently reassuring me that they felt no differently. “I only slept for an hour,” I moaned, checking the clock. The guys looked at each other and laughed. “Uh, no, actually you slept for 24 hours. It’s the next day.” Whoa. “Oh. Uh, well then.”Tyo cleared his throat. “We’re in your town now.”
I sat down hard on a chair, finally seeing the familiar buildings of Gusteu out the window. “Alice. I mean, Gwen, how do you feel?” I considered for a few moments. “I feel pretty good actually. I’m not as tired.” They grinned at me. I went back to bed an hour later after eating some waffles. The band promised to wake me up when we stopped.
Made me ugly and afraid
All you wanted was to get laid
Congratulations, you succeeded
You were all I needed
You never cared
And now I’m scared
My bruises know your touch
Fucked!
Bleeding, sobbing, trapped
Behind bars you designed
Are you satisfied?
At 10:00 a.m I woke up. “Al-Gwen. Time to wake up.” Mace smiled down at me, and I got up to brush my teeth. “Gwen, I think you should call your parents.” Mace leaned against the bathroom door. I paused, mouth foaming with toothpaste. “Wha?” “You should tell your parents you’re back. Tell them about your brother.” “But, I-I,” I finished brushing and turned to him.
“You owe them the truth. And it might help you heal.”He already had the phone in hand. I took it, dialing the number I still remembered. The phone dialed, and someone picked up. “Hello?” I heard my mother’s voice for the first time in months. “Hello? Is anyone there?” Mace took my hand, wrapping his long fingers in mine. “Breathe,” he whispered. I did. “Mom? It’s Gwen. I’m back home. I think it’s time to tell the truth.”
END