Looking For The Words

In times of need there's only one person I've ever been able to fully rely on in my whole life. Sometimes I wonder if it's sad that the only person I feel I can turn to is my butler. Then again, he's practically raised me since I was eight. He's as close to a normal, caring father that I'll ever get. 

With that in mind, I call James' cell and settle against the pillows on my oversized bed. It's warm and comfy, just what I need to warm up after the cold weather outside. I liked this bed a lot better when Everest was laying next to me, though.

"Tyler is fine." James answers with a laugh, knowing my history of worrying about my dog. Tyler is my baby, what can I say?

I smile and shake my head. "That's great to hear, but I wasn't calling after Tyler's well being. I was hoping I could talk to you about something."

"Everest?" He guesses. 

"Yeah." I sigh. "I just don't know what to do."

"Did you try apologizing?" James wonders, with only a slight sarcastic undertone.

I scoff and roll my eyes even though I know he can't see me. "That's the first thing I did. And that's all I've been doing for the past week. James, I don't know what else to do. I tried giving him space. I explained everything. Fuck, I got down on my knees and begged for forgiveness and I still don't think I've made any progress. I just . . . I know that if I could kiss him again things will be okay. He'll see that he still loves me and we can go back to normal. I just . . . I don't know how to get him to kiss me."

"You got down on your knees and begged?" He asks incredulously, holding on to that one little piece.

I huff a sigh. "Yes, you're missing the point."

"Sorry," He laughs. "I just can't imagine that. Everest has you wrapped around his little finger, doesn't he?"

"Well, I'll be the first to admit that, but again, that's beside the point. I need you to tell me what to do." 

James is quiet for a while, to the point where I'm afraid he has either hung up or we've been disconnected. Just as I'm about to speak up, James clears his throat. "Well, okay. Do some research on roses. I know it's almost Christmas but-"

"That's it! James, it's almost Christmas! They've got mistletoe hanging all over the place. That's how I'll get him to kiss me!" I exclaim, suddenly very excited.

I can practically see the annoyance in his face as he groans. "That's not what I meant. Please-" 

"James, cmon. That's a brilliant idea." 

"No, this could be a very bad idea. Just do the research okay? I think you'll find something very useful. As I was saying, it's so close to Christmas that you may not be able to use roses but the symbolism behind some of the rituals could be useful."

"Can't you just tell me what they are?" I ask impatiently.

"If I did that then you wouldn't be learning anything, now would you?" 

"I don't want to learn. I want to get back the man I love."

"It's a journey, Lucas. Clearly you still have a lot to learn. Do the work." He says finally before murmuring a final goodbye and hanging up.

James knows a lot of stuff about a lot of things but what does he know about Everest? At one point, I was the expert. Last year he never let me pass under a mistletoe without a kiss. This is going to be great.

But then again, none of my other attempts worked and James is usually always right.

I sigh and close my eyes tightly, digging the palms of my hands into my closed eyelids. What am I supposed to do now? I just don't see what I could possibly do anymore. I'm not a creative person. I've never been allowed to be. My mother beat the idea into me over and over again that the Carlyn's were left brain thinkers. Logic. To her, the right, creative, part of the brain never existed. I try, I really do, but my mother is a scary woman.

After a very quick nap, I shower and dress in an outfit that I think compliments my body well. If this is doesn't work I think it'll be better if I at least look good.

At around four I set out looking for Everest, knowing from experience that he'll be out and about, greeting guests as they come back from the slopes and making friendly conversation with some of the older men and women. It takes about ten minutes for me to find him talking to a younger girl who's very enthusiastic for some reason or another. He smiles and laughs with her and I just feel lucky that I get to see him like this after so long, even if it's not me who put that smile there.

After about five more minutes, the girl runs off to her family and Everest looks around for a second before his eyes land on me. I offer a small smile and he looks thoughtful for a fraction of a second but then pointedly looks away and leaves the room. I quickly shrug off the feeling that James may have been right, that this might not be a good idea, and follow after him, relieved when he steps outside onto the deserted patio. There's got to be mistletoe out there, right? 

Everest sighs and shakes his head. "Why?"

The question is left open to interpretation but I know exactly what he's taking about. "Because I love you, Ev. I'm not just going to let that go without a fight." 

He looks up at me with a questioning glance but looks away just as fast. I find the small cluster of green hanging mere inches away from where Everest is standing and I quickly thank whatever god is out there. He doesn't say anything when I step almost inappropriately close to him and doesn't do anything to pull away when I place a hand on his hip. 

Everest stares at me with impossibly piercing eyes and his lips part slightly as I move closer with every intent to kiss him. Mere inches away, my hopes are deflated when he shakes his head and pushes me away. 

"What are you doing?" He demands.

"Mistletoe." I point out, thinking better of trying again and shoving my hands into my pockets instead.

Everest scoffs and takes a moment to look enraged. "You don't get to come out here, tell me you love me and try to kiss me and expect things to be okay. You lost all privileges of that. I haven't even forgiven you yet."

With one last look that breaks my heart just a little bit more, he pushes past me and goes back inside. 

Damn it. What the hell was I thinking? I know Everest better than that. I knew, somewhere deep down, that he'd never go for this. I can't please my parents. I can't please James. I can't please the man I love. I'm seriously one hell of a fuck up.



With the mistletoe stunt I pulled a few hours ago, I know I probably took a step back from progress. I realize that maybe, just maybe, James was on to something. I do the research he urged me to do and find some very interesting things. There's one fact in particular though, and I know that this is what he meant for me to find. With a little more research I come up with a much more thought out plan. 

Once find a florist, I call a car and get ready quickly. If I want this to really work it has to be done by dinner. The car comes faster than I expected which is a welcome surprise and before long, I'm in a bustling flower shop in the middle of town. The woman at the counter sounds sympathetic when she tells me that they're out of the white calla lilies that I so desperately want.

I almost start crying, really I do, but then I explain my situation, that I need to win back the man I love and have almost lost. She smiles fondly and gives me a nod. "I'll see what I can do." Twenty minutes later, she hands me a bouquet of thirteen white calla lilies with a wink and I pay for them, leaving a grossly oversized tip for her help. 

On the ride back, I admire the flowers. I remember last year when Everest told me that white calla lilies were his favorite holiday flowers, possibly his favorite flowers of all time. He said it in passing but I held onto that piece of information because I wanted to know every little thing about him. I still do.

I pay the driver and tip him well before stepping out into the dark, cold night and enter the Inn. It's just after dinner, and the majority of the guests are still in the dining room, having desert or catching up with old friends. 

I scan the room and find Everest speaking to a familiar man in a wheelchair, Mr. Cupco. I remember him being a prominent part of my holidays when I was little. He always used to tell us stories and do magic tricks that we could see right through, but I remember absolutely adoring any time I got to spend with him. He was much like a grandfather to me. The only reason I no longer speak to him is because my parents found out that he was "filling my head with childish nonsense" and banned me from speaking to him. That was when I was eight. Just one more thing I let my parents ruin for me.

Without hesitation or caring as to who sees me, I approach the two with a tentative smile, flowers in hand. Everest looks up before Mr. Cupco and rolls his eyes before he notices the bouquet in my hand. He straightens up with a slightly friendlier stance.

"Ev, I know I screwed up in so many ways. I just want a chance to redeem myself. I did some research on roses, and I found out that while one rose means love, twelve is an apology." I explain, ecstatic that he seems to be actually listening and not pushing me away. "I remember when you told me that white calla lilies are your favorite flower so I got them instead. They might not mean the same thing but maybe we could just pretend? I got you thirteen. Twelve for the apology and one for love."

Everest looks stunned for a second and takes the carefully wrapped flowers from my offering hand. "You really got these for me?"

"I went and ordered them myself." I confirm. "That's why I'm so late. Look, if you tell me right now that you truly want me to leave you alone then I will, but you have to know that you'd be breaking my heart so bad that it might actually stop working. If you take me back, or at least let me keep fighting for you, I'll stand up to my father and cast away my reputation. I'm scared shitless of what'll happen but I'm even more scared of loosing you." 

Almost the entire dining room is watching us at this point, either blatantly staring or attempting to be discreet about it. There are a few who remain oblivious but most eyes are on me for some reason. My eyes are on Everest, anticipating his reaction.