Looking For The Words

I looked down at the bouquet of calla lilies that I now held, looking anywhere but the dozen or so people who'd stopped what they were doing to look at Lucas' hopeful expression, waiting to see my reaction. I looked over at Mr. Cupco, trying to get him to help me out here, but he just raised his hands as if to say "hey, don't look at me," then rolled himself away to where his family was sitting.

I don't know what made Lucas decide this was a good time to apologize and declare his undying love for me, but he was obviously disturbed. It was like one of those public proposals with the jumbotron or whatever the fuck. I hate those things. And I can't imagine the girl appreciates it much either.

I mean, who wants all those people watching and hearing everything and- oh my god.

My eyes went wide and shot back up to look at Lucas, then glanced around the room. All the hotel guests were invited down for dinner very night. All of them. Lucas would have known that... So that means-

My gaze settled on the Carlyns who were standing over next to the fireplace, pointedly looking away from their son in such a way that showed they'd heard everything he said.

Lucas had just said all of that in front of his parents. He'd said he was afraid to tell them, that that was why he didn't call, but here he was, promising up and down that he'd forsake them for me. I thought that he didn't love me enough, and that's why he wouldn't tell them about us. Apparently, I was wrong.

But does that mean I should forgive him?

Just because he apologized and told his parents basically to fuck off, doesn't mean that he won't hurt me again.

"Everest?" he said, looking even more nervous that he was previously, if that was even possible.

"Can we... go somewhere alone?"

"Yeah, sure." he said, looking down, disheartened. His eyes looked like he could cry any second.

"Hey." I said, nudging his chin slightly so he would look up. "It's not a no. But can we talk privately?"

He nodded, and I took his hand, leading him out of the room, feeling the eyes following us as we went. I just can't do this with everyone watching.

We walked out onto the balcony and I closed the curtains over the glass door. My parents were not going to be privy to this conversation.

"So..." he said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"The flowers are beautiful." I said, smiling. "Here, it's cold. Let's go sit next to the fire."

I led Lucas down the short path to the fire pit, where I was sure no one could see us from the inn, and took the time to light the kindling that was already there. We worked together in silence until there was a warm, crackling fire in front of us.

"Not that I'm not grateful for the warmth." he said. "But I'm kind of still waiting on an answer."

"Lucas, I forgive you." I said slowly.

He sighed in relief, but then saw my hesitant expression and the smile dropped from his face. "What's wrong?"

"I just-" I broke off and turned to look at the flames. "How am I supposed to be able to trust you again? What if this time you leave and it's just like last time? I can't have my heart broken like that again."

Lucas one of my hands in his, but I didn't turn to look at him. He caressed the back of my hand with his thumb, trying to comfort me and it was working; I forgot what such a small touch from him could do to me.

"If I could go back and change that, I would. I would give anything to be able to change that, I would. My cushy job or apartment, none of that really matters if I can't have you. What can I do to allow you trust me again?"

"Honestly?" I said. "I have no idea. But..."

"But what?" he said, hope filling his voice.

I looked away from the flames and directly into his eyes.

I'd forgotten how beautiful he looked in the firelight. We'd spent several nights out here, away from the rest of the guests... Funny how different situations can be in the same place.

"But I'm willing to give you a second change. To give us a second chance."

"Really?" he said, eyes twinkling in the firelight.

"Really." I said, smiling at how happy he looked. Despite Lucas having hurt me so badly, it still made me happy that I could put a smile on his face.

He leaned in to kiss me and I leaned into the kiss, but pulled back almost immediately. I had to laugh at the dumbstruck expression on his face.

"I haven't been able to kiss you for a year, and that's what I get?" he said, pouting.

"And whose fault is that?" I asked, only slightly joking. "No, if we're going to try this again, we're starting from square one until I know I can trust you again."

"Fair enough." he said, holding me close to him. "Even though I'd much rather be kissing you right now, I'm just happy to be able to hold you in my arms again."

I smiled and cuddled into his embrace. "You do know you just told your parents about us, right?"

"Yeah. That was kind of why I did it in the dining room."

"Do you want to go back inside and talk to them?"

Lucas looked conflicted, but then shook his head. "I can talk to them tomorrow. Right now, I just want to hold you."

I smiled at how cheesy he was, but didn't comment. I was good with cheesy in certain situations. I just reveled in the feeling of his warm body against mine.

It was nice to have this again.