Looking For The Words

I woke up early the next morning, not having slept very well the night before. The moment I shut my bedroom door, the warm, fuzzy feeling stemming from Lucas' apology disappeared.

When I was with Lucas, it felt so right; but the moment I was alone, I started doubting myself. Am I just setting myself up to get hurt again? Is this too soon? I don't know if I can trust him yet, and I"m letting myself fall for him even quicker than I did the last time.

I told him we had to take it slow, start over, but I don't seem to be following my own rules. He kissed me once, and I was back to where I was the day he left. I wanted to run to him, wanted to open the door and tell him to come back and spend the night with me, but I stopped myself.

I have to keep it in until I know I can trust him again.

It scares me how much I was already trusting him.

It was too early for anyone to be up that wasn't already on their way to the slopes with my dad, so I decided to take a walk. The snow was fresh underneath my boots, crunching with every step. The morning sun was making the ice glitter all around me in a magical way. No matter how long I live here, I'll think this sight is magical until the day I die.

I got to the edge of the mountainside and looked out across the trees and snow, wishing life were just simple for once. But nothing about Lucas was ever simple. What's the saying? "The course of true love never did run smooth."? Well, I guess that's true.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out, smiling at the display that read "Lucas <3". I hadn't deleted or changed his contact in any way, still holding on to the vain hope that maybe, one day, he'd call. I just couldn't get rid of it.

It's not that big of an inn... you'd think I'd be able to find you to say this in person. Good morning, love.

I laughed out loud, the noise echoing around the otherwise silent clearing. I missed this.

So you didn't lose my number, after all ;) And you wouldn't be able to find me in the inn, seeing as I'm on a walk.

Come back! I miss you! And I never could get rid of your number. I was waiting for myself to grow a pair and call you. Sorry it took me longer than I expected.

Well, you'll just have to work extra hard to make up for lost time. And why should I come back? The snow is beautiful out here.

I'm hurt that my presence alone isn't enough of an incentive, but how about hot cocoa, a fire, a blanket and some quality time together? It's been too long. And besides, wouldn't you rather be curled up inside, in the warmth, with someone who loves you instead of alone, outside in the cold?

You do make a pretty convincing argument. And you're right- it has been too long. I'll be back soon. Try not to die without me there.

Just because I ran all the way back to the inn doesn't mean it was because I was eager to get back to see Lucas. It doesn't.

***

"How was your walk?" Lucas said, leaning against the door frame with a bemused smile as I struggled to get out of the several layers of clothing and warm boots.

"It was excellent, thanks for asking." I said, grumpily, tugging hard on my left boot which had decided to become permanently affixed to my foot.

"Here, let me help." he said, guiding me to the closest chair and helping me pull the boot of, almost resulting in me kicking him in the face.

"I'm so sorry!" I said, worried I had actually hit him.

"No worries." Lucas laughed. "Here, come on. I made the cocoa and it's sitting in the toaster oven."

"Why the toaster oven?" I said, confused.

"I didn't want it to get too cold."

I rolled my eyes and within minutes, Lucas had me curled up in one of the smaller, less well-traveled living rooms in front of the fire with a mug of hot cocoa and a goofy smile on my face that just refused to go away.

"So I talked to my parents." he said, breaking the comfortable silence.

"Yeah?" I said. "How was it?"

"Better than expected." he said. "I get to keep my job, but they left an hour ago."

"What?" I asked, sitting up and setting the cocoa down on the coffee table, turning to look at Lucas. "What do you mean they left?"

"Basically, they're doing to me what they did to Mallory. I'm not really a part of their life anymore, at least, not as a son. But Dad's letting me keep my position, and they left me a plane ticket for this morning, but... I couldn't go."

"Lucas." I said quietly, sympathy in my voice.

"It's okay." he said. "They never were much of a family, anyway. God knows they won't be coming back here, but maybe Mallory can come up every year, and I'll get to see her more often..."

"Well, just know I'm here for you, okay?" I said. "Seriously, if you want to talk about it, I'm here."

"I know you are." he said, smiling widely. "I'm never going to take you for granted again, I swear."

"Yes, you will." I said, looking away now that I was assured he was okay and cuddling back into him, watching the fire and basking in his warmth. "Everyone does at times. But just... don't disappear on me like you did ever again. Or I might have to castrate you."

"Duly noted." he said with a chuckle. "Oh, and Everest?"

"Yeah?" I said, looking up at him.

He kissed me softly and sweetly, not trying to take it too far, but still showing me how much he cared and how happy he was that I gave him another chance. "Happy Christmas Eve."