Looking For The Words

Expectations can be heavy. Sometimes they can be easy to fulfill. Clean your room. Mow the lawn. Do the dishes. Yada yada. I mean, I never had to do these things because they were always done for me but I have expectations of my own to fulfill. 

Go to school. Get a college degree. Get married. Take over the family business. Produce a child to take over after me.

After accomplishing the first two, I'm not so sure that I what I want is what's expected of me. Actually, I know that I don't want to take over my family's business, Carlyn Power Company.

I don't want to marry a beautiful woman and have three kids. I don't want to live in the city and be a socialite and be miserable for the rest of my life. 

But that's what's expected of me and I'm terrified of what will happen to me if I break those expectations. My happiness is important to me but my parents could care less about what I want.

The pressure is on not to disappoint my parents. My older sister already has. Joining Green Peace was definitely not what was expected of her.  I'm proud of her though. Jillian followed her heart, something I never had the balls to do.

A knock on my office door startles me. "Mr. Carlyn, your mother is on the phone. Line three." 

I nod to her absently to let her know I heard and wait for the door to close behind her before picking up the phone and pressing the right button. "Hey mom."

"Lucas, dear, are you all packed and ready to go?" She asks enthusiastically.

"What are you talking about?" I inquire.

"Honey, don't tell me you've forgotten." She exasperates. "It's the second week of December."

My heart stops and picks up speed again, beating twice as fast. "The Lanser Inn." I murmur, swallowing heavily. "Mom, I . . . I don't know if I should go this year. I've got a lot of work to do. You and dad should go alone and spend time together." 

"Nonsense. It's called a family vacation for a reason. Besides, we've already booked two rooms and everyone's already prepared for you to be gone for a few weeks. Your father already worked everything out. Honestly Lucas, how could you have forgotten? We've been going there ever since you were a child." 

"Yeah, I know. It just . . . wasn't on my mind." Lies. It's all I've been thinking about for the past year. 

Mom chuckles and I can practically see her shake her head. "Always buried in your work, just like your father."

I cringe at the comparison and get off the phone as soon as I can, promising to meet them at the airport at four. The mere thought of being anything like the cold hearted man I call my father sends my blood running cold. Though, I guess, in a way, I'm already like him a bit.

After a few calls home, I make sure I have everything in order before finally allowing my thoughts to roam. The Lanser Inn holds so many amazing memories for me and my family. I've been told that my first steps were taken in room 73. I was eleven when dad broke his leg on the big ski slope. The family actually spent that Christmas together in one room all day, eating and opening presents and watching cheesy movies. One year one of the people staying here had a dog who had puppies. Mom let us have one of them and I still have him to this day. 

The Lanser Inn might as well be my second home. I really have mixed feelings about going back. Despite the fact that, last year, the Lanser Inn held the best weeks of my life, going back after what happened could ruin me.

Having the chance to redeem myself to the only person I've really ever felt the need to redeem myself to, both excites and terrifies me. Maybe it really would be better if I just canceled.