Looking For The Words

I was sitting at the kitchen table, spinning a bowl around lazily with my finger, listening to the sound of the ceramic against the wood of the table and just staring at the bowl as it spun, trying not to think about the name I’d seen written in the log.

“Everest?” my mother called as I heard the front door open and close. “Did you get it all logged into the computer?”

I looked up as she entered the kitchen, still spinning the bowl, but kept quiet.

“Everest?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I said. “You knew earlier. You didn’t think I’d want to know?”

“Everest, honey...” she sighed. “You know it would’ve been worse that way. At least now you’ve had some time to cool down.”

“Mom, I can’t do it.” I said. “Don’t ask me to do this.”

“Everest, sweetheart, the Carlyns have been coming here since before you were born. We can’t just tell them they can’t stay here because you and their son have some sort of history. I’m not even sure what exactly happened between the two of you.”

“Mom-”

“Ev, you don’t even have to talk to them. You don’t even have to be in the same room as them if you don’t want to. Just, please- try and handle this like the mature young man I know you are.”

I stopped spinning the bowl and looked back up.

“I’ll try.” I said. “Just, whatever you do, don’t schedule them to be on my bus up to the slopes.”
---
The holiday season, as you can probably imagine, is the busiest time for an inn/ski lodge like ours, and it was rapidly approaching. Families were arriving every day and soon, there were only 2 rooms open, besides mine and my parents’, which were on the top floor, separate from the rest of the inn. The Carlyns’ rooms.

I wasn’t quite ready to come to terms with the fact that three days from now, Lucas would be here again. I was kind of avoiding dealing with it. I just decided to go around helping as many guests as possible for as much time as I could. And it was working. I was rarely thinking about Lucas. But I knew that would change as soon as he actually arrived at the inn.

Lucas had always been able to command my attention. That’s how the whole thing started. Spend enough time around someone, and you’ll notice if they keep staring at you every time you enter a room.

Lucas and his family arrived four days before Christmas and left the day after new years, every year, like clockwork. After a while, Mallory, the eldest, stopped coming. From what I’d gathered, she’d gone to the dark side, decided to be her won person instead of just another Stepford wife. She still sent a postcard every once in a while, letting us know how she was doing. She and I had been friends; we got to know each other on all of the nature hikes and ski trips I was in charge of.

Before last year, she was the only one of the Carlyns I had spoken to about something other than my job, which, if you think about it, is pretty sad, since they’d been staying at our inn for at least two weeks a year since before I was born. She was really nice, incredibly smart and as beautiful as the rest of her family. If I wasn’t gay, I’d have fallen for her a long time ago, but things being as they are, it was her younger brother, Lucas that caught my attention.

Lucas Carlyn wasn’t as commanding or powerful as his father, or as proper and precise as his mother, or as effervescent as his sister. In fact, to most people, he simply faded into the background when he was around his family.

But to me, Lucas was the most beautiful and amazing person I’d ever laid eyes on. Whenever he entered a room, he was the first thing that caught my attention. Just him being in the same room as me was enough to make me stumble over my words and lose my train of thought.

When we were kids, it was different, but I still found myself looking at him much more than any other kid my age. I remember seeing him and thinking how lonely he must be. There was something in his eyes that just asked for someone to be his friend.

But his parents weren’t about to let him play cops and robbers with the son of the innkeepers. That would be beneath him.

And even though he’d gotten better at hiding his emotions as he grew up, the loneliness was still there.

We’d practically grown up together, in a way. Or, rather, we saw each other grow up a little more every year. It felt like we knew one another, even before we’d ever really spoken.

I guess that’s why it was so easy to get to know him, to trust him… to fall in love with him.

And why it was so easy for him to leave me behind. He was used to being lonely.

“Hey, Everest! How have you been, my boy?”

I turned to see Mr. Evans, the grandfather in one of our regular families coming down the hall with his cane.

“Mr. Evans!” I said. “It’s great to see you again! Did you just arrive?”

“Yep.” he said. “The family’s still unloading, but they sent me inside. Something about my ‘delicate constitution’.”

“Well, less work for you, then.” I said. “How’ve you been?”

“Can’t complain.” he said. “I’m getting really good at Solitaire. What about you? What’ve you been up to?”

“Working here, mostly.” I said. “Getting ready for the holidays.”

“Really?” he asked. “You work too much, Everest. You’re young, go out and have fun. You should be spending time with friends, not holed up here with your parents. What happened to that boy you were hanging around with last year? You were wrapped around each other’s fingers last holiday. You two keep in touch?”

I looked down at my shoes and willed away the rush of emotions at the mention of Lucas. “No, we didn’t.”

“Well, that’s a shame.” Mr. Evans said, looking apologetic. “I thought you two would make it. Seemed like the real deal, you know? Soul mates.”

I smiled sadly. “Me too.”

“Well, keep your head up, my boy.” he said. “You’ll find that special someone one day.”

“Thanks, Mr. Evans.” I said. “I’ll see you around, okay? Have a nice holiday!”

“You, too! Don’t work too much, okay?”

“I won’t.” I said, waving behind me as I walked down the hall.

I stopped at a room with the door wide open and looked inside, immediately regretting it. Room 12, Lucas’ room. I looked around the room, my eyes resting on the single bed where Lucas slept every year. It held a lot of memories for me… Memories I wasn’t quite ready to relive.

I shut the door behind me and took the stairs two at a time up to my room.

The more I could avoid anything that brought back memories of Lucas, the better.