Looking For The Words

"Mr. Carlyn, the car is ready." James announces, entering the living room. I look up from the TV, effectively snapped out of my thoughts, and smile as I thank my butler.

I can safely say that, though I'm the only one living here besides my canine, Tyler, this house would not run as smoothly without James. He does all the domestic work that I never learned to do, thanks to my mothers insistence that it was beneath me. In addition to that, his presence offers me someone to talk to. Someone to give me advise, even if I don't listen to it half the time.

Like with Everest.

After I got home from the vacation last year, James noticed a change in my mood, as any employee of almost ten years would. He's known me since I was fourteen so I would have been surprised if he hadn't. He slowly but surely figured out why I was always so upset and repeatedly told me that I was a fool for letting my father get in the way of my happiness.

And I was truly and irrevocably happy and in love with Everest.   

Once I got back home it was a culture shock of sorts. I realized that, though those two weeks meant the world to me and to Everest, they meant nothing to my father. The calm, laid back days spent at the resort and relaxing nights at the Inn were so drastically different from the jam packed days of meetings and late nights at the office. I knew that there was absolutely no way to bring those two worlds together smoothly if at all.

As soon as the plane landed back in Chicago, all of the expectations that Everest had gotten me to ignore were shoved back in my life and I just couldn't get around them. So I went to work and I did what was expected of me.

Work was my way to forget. Or, rather, my way to try to forget. I could never forget Everest, no matter how much I wanted to. No matter how many meetings I scheduled or extra hours I took on, I couldn't push away the memories of him and I together.

It was strange to me because before that year, I hadn't talked to him aside from the occasional greeting and farewell. But just because I hadn't talked to him didn't mean that I hadn't noticed him because I definitely had. How could I not? 

Everest was the thing I looked forward to most about going to the Lanser Inn. As creepy as it was, I couldn't stop myself from watching him. There was this air of grace about him that I had been taught was a trait only of the wealthy. It fascinated me and as I was caught up in this fascination, I noticed other things about him as well. The way he got taller as the years went by and the way his teeth straightened out after the three years of braces. 

I found myself wanting to know more and more about him. What made him happy? Upset? What kind of friends did he have? Would he ever be interested in me in the way I seemed to be in him? Or did he have dreams and plans for a family of four with a woman as gorgeous as he was?

And then I found the answers to all of these questions and more and it all started with a simple call for more towels. 

I try not to think about it. Thinking about all of those amazing little things that make up Everest makes me think of how I broke my promise. The only promise I ever actually cared about.

And it kills me.

"Luc, it's time to go or you'll miss your flight." James snaps me out of my thoughts once again and helps me on with my coat. Though the idea of missing my flight and not having to face Everest after my broken promise was appealing, I said my goodbyes to James and wished him a happy holiday, begging him to take good care of Tyler, before sliding into the familiar town car. 

The driver greets me and is very efficient in getting to the airport where he checks my bags and hands me my ticket. I wish him a happy holiday as well before making my way through various terminals to get to the correct one and greeting my parents.

Mom immediately launches into a spiel about the women in her book club and I listen politely as I always have. Dad sits by either on his phone or staring into space with cold indifference. Not much else is expected from him and he prides himself on following expectations.

This continues until our flight number is called and it's time to board. Mom and Dad have seats next to each other in first class of course and I'm right in front of them, the seat next to me left unoccupied as usual.

The takeoff is smooth and the second the seatbelt light goes off, a stewardess is by my side to take my drink order. She's overly smiley and very flirtatious which makes me withdraw. She gets the hint and scurries off. Once she disappears, I pull out my laptop and immerse myself in my work, hoping to keep my mind off our destination. The longer I can pretend, the better. Though, I can't deny that there is an underlying excitement about seeing Everest after almost an entire year has passed.

The stewardess brings me my drink and asks if I need anything else to which I respond 'no' and dismiss her. She nods and moves on to my father, leaving me to finish sending my e-mails. Once I'm through with that, I realize that I've officially completed my work and have nothing to distract me from thoughts of Everest for the rest of the four hour flight.

With a sigh, I sink further into the plush seat and allow memories of the man I was once able to call mine wash over me. I can almost smell his hair and feel the ghost of his thin fingers between mine.

And it kills me.

He deserves so much better than me but I hope with every fiber of my being that I can make amends. My heart hasn't forgotten him no matter how hard my head has tried to make it. I need to find a way to show him that and I need to find a way to prove to myself that I deserve to be happy too.