Status: Attackative

Looking For The Words

I just wish we could find peace

Room 21 looks exactly as I remember it and I might even go so far as to say that no one had stayed in here since last year. I know better though and silently praise Everest because I know he had to have had something to do with it in some way. At least I hope he did. 

The sting of his earlier rejection still throbs somewhere to the left of my heart and I cringe at the memory. It was absolutely justifiable, how he treated me, and it was a wonder that he didn't hit me. I would have welcomed the blow with open arms. Perhaps it would have lifted some of my guilt. Instead, his calm and passive response only made the weight on my heart heavier.

The events of the day suddenly crash into me like a freight train and, even though it's only nine, I shower half-heartedly and dress in my favorite flannel pajama pants and a plain white Haynes t-shirt. Mom would probably faint if she knew I slept in cotton but she's not here and they're the most comfortable pair of anythings that I own, so I don't care what she thinks. 

If only I could be that passive about their responses to every aspect of my life.

|~|


The sunrise brings with it new hope. Today is a new day, as James likes to say. So many things can happen today that can change a life. Having a baby born or getting a new job. Buying a million dollar lottery ticket or winning a new car. There are tons of things that can go right. It just depends on the choices I make.

And hopefully the generousness of Everest's heart.

I can feel him everywhere. The fact that he's so close, under the same roof, makes me itch to be with him. Even if he's yelling and screaming and hitting, I don't care. At least he'll be acknowledging me and that he feels one way or another about what happened. That's all I want right now.

Last night shed a little light on the matter but it hardly answered any questions. Actually, it created more than I originally had.

With that in mind, I get out of the very familiar and very comfortable bed begrudgingly and get ready for the day. Traditionally, the first day at the Inn for my parents is spent visiting with old 'friends' and catching up on things they couldn't care less about. For me, it's spent tagging along behind my parents, smiling when a 'friend' comments on my growth or my success. After years of this I've learned to tune out everything.

As soon as I see an opportunity, I excuse myself with a believable enough lie and begin to search out the man who holds my head and heart. I look through all of his favorite spots first and come up empty handed. I suppose he could be trying to avoid me which would mean I have very little chance of finding him.

I know better than to go looking for him in his own home. That could end badly in multiple ways. Instead, I check the only place left that I can think of. The office space.

One peek inside tells me that I've come to the right place. I take a second to take in the beauty of the man I spent so many hours with last year, smiling at all his familiar features. 

Everest startles me by clearing his throat without looking up, letting me know that he knows I'm here. "What do you want?"

"Can I talk to you?" I ask softly, treading carefully.

"There's nothing to talk about." He answers without even looking up from the papers in front of him.

I swallow the lump in my throat and try again. "I have some explaining to do."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me."

"But I want to. I need to. Please."

He looks up at me with a cold, indifferent mask that I'm convinced is fake. At least I hope it is. "Go away Lucas."

Everest returns his attention to his work and suddenly I feel like I've been kicked. Knowing when I've been dismissed, I retreat from the small room and head back to my own quarters. I'm not in the mood to further deal with my parents and I know I'll be reprimanded later but I don't give a single damn. 

I have only been denied what I want a couple of times in my life but none have ever felt as bad as this, mainly because I know that it's of my own doing and I deserve to be denied.

Everest is worth so much more than what I gave him. Even if I don't deserve him, never deserved him in the first place, he deserved better and he deserves an explanation as well.

And I'm going to give him one whether he wants it or not. He needs to know how I feel. 
♠ ♠ ♠
Huzzah! On time this week!
Whoo! I'm loving this.

What do you guys think? Is Everest being too harsh or does Lucas deserve everything he gets?

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