Looking For The Words

The accident posed as a perfect excuse for me to talk to Everest. I haven't been able to see him in a few days and I know he was avoiding me. That 'genius' plan I had to talk to him on the ride up to the mountain clearly didn't work out as I had planned but maybe this isn't such a bad thing after all. I have ten, maybe fifteen, minutes to convince him to at least listen to me.

Everything I had two days to plan to say suddenly left my head and I silently cursed myself. 

"Everest, I-"

"Lucas, shut up."

"No, Everest. You don't have to listen to me but god, just let me get it out." I beg. He doesn't say anything in protest so I take my chance while I can. "I know that I'm an asshole okay? I'm not so conceited to think that I'm not. I know that what I did was so indescribably wrong and anything I say to defend myself is stupid and not even close to enough to excuse my actions. But Everest, you have to understand that I was scared."

He glances over at me with a raised eyebrow. "The great Lucas Carlyn, scared?" He gasps, voice dripping with sarcasm. "I never would have thought."

I swallow heavily and absorb the blow. I deserved that. "I shouldn't have let that get in the way but I did. Ev, I didn't grow up like you did. My parents have expectations for me and if I don't fulfill them then there are big consequences for me. It's a sorry excuse, I know. It sounds bad even to me but Jesus fuck. It's scary.

"When I got on the plane to go home I had all these plans, okay? Coming to visit in the spring and summer, and flying you out to come see me, and all the ways I could show you how much I love you everyday in between. Because I do Everest. I love you and I never stopped. You probably don't believe me and I understand that."

He spins around, fire in his eyes and fists clenched. "Then what the hell happened? You know what? I don't even care. The thing is that the fact that you 'never stopped' obviously never mattered." 

Everest turns around and starts walking faster than before. I have to jog to catch up and I reach out and grab his arm. He pulls it away almost as fast as I touched him and he glares at me but stops nonetheless.

"Not contacting you was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made, okay? There was literally not a day that went by that I didn't regret it but I couldn't. That night on the plane home, my dad- He's a powerful man. He noticed how much time we had been spending together. He said it wasn't okay for me to spend so much time with someone who wasn't of our status and that I couldn't anymore and I just- I went off on him. I pretty much told him everything and you know what he did? He threatened me. He threatened my trust fund, and then he threatened my job and my reputation. He threatened my life basically. It was terrifying." 

Everest stares at me, jaw clenched. "That's no excuse for not calling. A text. A fucking handwritten letter! Anything! Christ, Lucas! I get how that would be scary but you can't just do that to me and expect it all to be fine!"

"I'm sorry! I'm doing everything I can to show you how sorry I am." 

"You really could have fooled me." He scoffs.

"Do you want me to get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness?"

"That would be a start." 

With a sigh I drop down on my knees in the snow, cold instantly seeping through my jeans and soaking the denim. "Everest Lanser, I'm so terribly sorry that I'm such a jerk. I'm sorry that I didn't call or text or write. I'm sorry that I fell in love with you in the first place and was too much of a coward to show you." 

He looks down at me and rolls his eyes, turning on his heel and continuing the walk. I blink and scramble up to follow him. "Everest? I- Are you gonna say anything? Preferably 'I forgive you'?"

"I said it was a start." He bites. And he makes it perfectly clear that that's it for conversation.

It takes all my self control not to speak again. I really don't want to push my luck. He said it was a start and I don't want to jeopardize that. I've got ten days to get him to forgive me and figure out how to make sure I never have to do what I did last year again. I realize that really, none of what I have now is worth what I could have. I just- I know that if I could kiss him again I'd know for sure that everything will be okay.