Looking For The Words

Something I’d learned early on in my life is that the moment you forgive someone when they don’t deserve it, they’ll start expecting you to forgive them again. And again. And again. And they’ll keep doing so until you finally stand up for yourself. Just because someone has apologized, doesn’t mean they should be forgiven.

Lucas on his knees, though, was something new. All sexual innuendo in that aside, Lucas was one of the most prideful people I’ve ever met and seeing him literally begging for forgiveness… well, it changes things. Only slightly, though.

He did seem to be really sorry, though…

No. I will not let myself fall into this trap again. Lucas sweet-talked his way into my heart the first time, then left me out to dry. I’m tired of being left behind like I don’t matter. I refuse to let him.

“Everest?”

“Lucas, for the twelfth time, I would strangle you if your parents wouldn’t stop coming for it. Believe it or not, they’re actually good customers, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t drive me to do something I’ll regret later.”

“Everest, seriously. I apologized, and that’s it?”

“Apologies aren’t like a get out of jail free card. I can choose not to forgive you.”

“Can I get an ETA on how many it might take for you to forgive me? 10? 20?”

“Keep going.” I growled. “And stop talking.”

We were finally in the parking lot of the inn and I burst into the kitchen, causing my mom to jump and drop the wooden spoon she’d been using to stir whatever was in the bowl in front of her. To his credit, Lucas didn’t follow.

“Everest?”

“I’m fine.” I said. “The van broke down. Where’s Dad?”

“He’s out back, working on chopping some wood for the fireplaces. Do you need to tow it tonight, or is it okay if we wait ‘till morning?”

“I guess it can wait. It’s pretty deep in a snow bank, and it’s almost dark.. By the time we get there, we wouldn’t be able to see shit.”

“We’ll get it tomorrow, then. Don’t worry about it.” she said. “Now, why are you so upset?”

“Just walked home with the guy who broke my heart. What do you think got me upset?”

“Oh, honey.” she said. “What did he do?”

“He apologized.” I said.

“Well, that’s something.”

“Yeah, it is, but it really doesn’t change anything.” I sighed, practically collapsing into one of the chairs around the kitchen table. Guests weren’t allowed in here, so it was our own personal family kitchen.

“Look, honey, I know he hurt you, but did you at least let him explain himself?”

“Yeah. He said he was afraid.”

“Fear is a powerful thing, Everest.”

“So is love.” I said.

“Yes, it is. But that doesn’t mean that fear can’t get so great that it eclipses love, at least momentarily. Imagine if your father and I would never speak to you again if you followed your heart. Everything you hold dear would be lost, all for someone you’re in love with. Sometimes, losing everything seems about thirty times as bad as losing one person you love. Plus, from what you’ve told me, he’s pretty eager to please his parents. They haven’t told him how proud they are of him since before he can remember. All he wants from them is for them to say it one last time.”

“I know it’s hard, but I wasn’t asking for marriage or living together. I just wanted to talk to him every once in a while until I could see him in person again.”

“It might not seem like a big deal to you, but we’ve always supported you. You’ve never had to choose between your family or the person you love. Can you even begin to imagine how he feels?”

“But mom, all he had to do was tell me that. Tell me he was scared and I would have been able to understand what was going on. He just left me hanging.”

“Everest… he just did.”