Status: 50,239 words || Completed.
Pretty, Ugly Girl
Journal Entry
Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. It gets so hard to just be in this house and with this family. Sure people now actually care – or they pretend to – but I sometimes feel like it was my fault. I could have cared about her but I didn't. I didn't think she cared about me so there was no point in me caring about her. It was how I grew up so I didn't know any difference.
In October it'll have been ten years since mum died. I can't remember a lot, if not anything. I was really young then but it feels like I get hated on for not remembering a lot. Though it doesn't happen often now because of what happened, I think we're still in shock.
It feels like it's been a while since it happened but really, it was only in August. That's not even a month in the past. It's scary just how slow the time has been going.
Most times I don't know what to write in this thing because it's hard to put my thoughts and feelings into words. They're too personal and writing isn't that personal because people can see it. Even if you don't want them to. Well, my opinion of writing is that it's too personal. My English teacher tries to act like it's one of the best things ever which everyone thinks is just utter bullshit.
It's just words that are written that don't even mean anything! Come on, how can something like that be so amazing? It's not. And when people think that a piece of writing is just something amazing, it's stupid and pathetic. Seriously, it's not like you should even attempt to treasure words like that. It doesn't make sense and just really brings the person off as pathetic.
I find that whenever I'm lost for words to say or write, that I'll just ramble on about something else. Much like I did just then. But I guess my loss for words right now is just because I don't know how to put my feelings down on paper like I should be.
After all, I did start writing this for comfort after what happened. Even though I know it's happened, sometimes I can't help but wake up and forget about it and expect everything to be like it was before. Even though that would mean we all ignored each other and hardly anyone liked each other, at least what happened wouldn't have happened.
Some people say that when what happened happens, that it means that the person was selfish. I don't get why it would be something selfish though. If anything, before it happened we were all selfish with ourselves and not caring about the others.
But I guess everyone's different then. Even the ones who seem like clones of a certain person.
It was probably why she did what she did. But I can't help but wish that she didn't.
And I can't help but wish she was still alive.
In October it'll have been ten years since mum died. I can't remember a lot, if not anything. I was really young then but it feels like I get hated on for not remembering a lot. Though it doesn't happen often now because of what happened, I think we're still in shock.
It feels like it's been a while since it happened but really, it was only in August. That's not even a month in the past. It's scary just how slow the time has been going.
Most times I don't know what to write in this thing because it's hard to put my thoughts and feelings into words. They're too personal and writing isn't that personal because people can see it. Even if you don't want them to. Well, my opinion of writing is that it's too personal. My English teacher tries to act like it's one of the best things ever which everyone thinks is just utter bullshit.
It's just words that are written that don't even mean anything! Come on, how can something like that be so amazing? It's not. And when people think that a piece of writing is just something amazing, it's stupid and pathetic. Seriously, it's not like you should even attempt to treasure words like that. It doesn't make sense and just really brings the person off as pathetic.
I find that whenever I'm lost for words to say or write, that I'll just ramble on about something else. Much like I did just then. But I guess my loss for words right now is just because I don't know how to put my feelings down on paper like I should be.
After all, I did start writing this for comfort after what happened. Even though I know it's happened, sometimes I can't help but wake up and forget about it and expect everything to be like it was before. Even though that would mean we all ignored each other and hardly anyone liked each other, at least what happened wouldn't have happened.
Some people say that when what happened happens, that it means that the person was selfish. I don't get why it would be something selfish though. If anything, before it happened we were all selfish with ourselves and not caring about the others.
But I guess everyone's different then. Even the ones who seem like clones of a certain person.
It was probably why she did what she did. But I can't help but wish that she didn't.
And I can't help but wish she was still alive.
♠ ♠ ♠
I'd like to make clear that although these journal entries are set after the events in this story, they're not all set after the last chapter. You'll know what I mean when we get there.