Pretty, Ugly Girl

Abi had nowhere to go but it didn't bother her just so long as she didn't have to go back to that house just yet. She had woken up to the fact that she was on her period which meant that she just wanted a day where she didn't have to go anything and could just sit down without having to worry. But then, of course, going downstairs proved to be the worst decision ever because Jade and James were already down there and of course they were arguing because there's no other reason they'd be talking. So obviously, Abi gets dragged into the argument that isn't even hers to begin with.

The fact that she was on her period and just overall in a bad mood didn't do anything good for the situation, in fact it done more harm then good which was why she ended up storming out of the house like she did. There was nowhere for her to go because Tommy wasn't in town today, she knew that much, and there wasn't anywhere else she could go because really, Tommy was the only person she spoke to in town enough to even be considered to hang round with.

Times like these were why Abi cursed the fact that she hardly went out round here and why she didn't really get to know a lot of people here. Though, most of the other times she was glad so it was a sort of mixed opinion of hers. Sometimes she thought long and hard about whether or not she's actually going anywhere in life and the obvious answer is no, because really she isn't going anywhere in life and it's not just because she doesn't want to either.

Abi didn't really believe that she could get anywhere for the simple fact that she didn't believe she was capable of even getting anywhere outside of school. It was why she didn't try because then people wouldn't expect too much of her so then she would have less chance to disappoint them. She did used to strive to get good marks in primary school but that was back when she could do it without the hassle of having people criticise every little thing she did and have them tell her in other words that she just wasn't good enough.

She saw how Jade coped in high school and she managed to get by barely. But Abi knew that the barely came from the fact that before she was pregnant and before she lost the baby, she was good in school and got good marks. She had done pretty much half of all her exams and they guaranteed her at least an E in most lessons and a D in some. And that was good because it was expected that she would lift them marks into Bs and As. It was something that she was going to do, she swore she was even when she was pregnant, but then she lost the baby and she just couldn't do it anymore.

Something like that would scar, yes, but it was worse for her because she was in the middle of one of the most important exams in her high school life when she felt something was going wrong. And because she was rushed from the room to go to the hospital when she was realised it was blood trailing down her thighs, they had said she could resit it with a new paper so that she couldn't look for answers or anything. But after what happened she couldn't do it because her child died and she blamed herself.

Abi remembered the day she came home from the hospital after having to stay there over night to be checked out and to make sure the bleeding stopped. Abi had never seen Jade like she was that day and no matter how much she wanted to get up and give her a hug to try and make her feel a bit better, she knew she just couldn't do that. Not just because they didn't really hug but mostly because Jade was mourning the loss of her child. Yes, it wasn't born yet and it hadn't developed fully but it was still her child and Abi knew that.

So she gave her space and let her mourn. But then... she just couldn't tell whether she had stopped mourning or whether she was still mourning the baby because Jade just looked so unbelievable depressed and crushed all the time. Abi could remember that time clearly because their father knew about her being depressed and all he had done was attempt to give her a hug for comfort. Of course she pushed him away but that shouldn't have stopped him from trying. And yet... it did. He gave up trying to hug her after that one time and just left Mel to give her comfort. That hurt Jade so much that she couldn't believe her own father would give up that quickly when it was clear as daylight that she needed him.

It turned out she didn't have to have him to comfort her because Mel did a good job even though Jade hated that. Just because she hated it didn't mean she didn't appreciate it because she as sure as hell did appreciate it. She just didn't know how to express it because that was a problem for her, expressing her feelings. It was something that she had always had trouble with. Expressing her feelings made her feel like she was putting too much of herself on show and that she wasn't keeping enough enclosed deep inside of her which was something she needed.

With a sigh Abi made her way down the road and stopped as she faced the sea. There had been a few times when she had thought about just going into the sea and not coming out. If she could swim then she would have tried to go for a long swim at times in the sea. Some people would go to the pier and climb up the lamp post and jump from it. It always made her wonder just how they could do that but then she put it down to the fact that they had guts to do something fun like that. She could never do it, she knew that much. It seemed way too high and there was the fear that she would accidentally go too close to the pier and land on the steps. They were stone and looked really hard. Abi didn't quite fancy landing on them, thanks.

Walking down towards the beach, she cringed as the sand kept slipping into her shoes slowly but didn't do anything to stop it. It would probably be a big problem getting all the sand out but right now she wasn't bothered about that. If anything, she wasn't bothered about anything. All she was doing was thinking, about what she couldn't be too certain because her thoughts kept flickering from things.

In a way, all she wanted to do was get away from this town and her family. Just go somewhere where no one knew her and she could just start again. It didn't have to be somewhere great, all it had to be was somewhere that was a better place than the town she was in now and a place where she knew no one and no one knew her. But the only thing was, she didn't know how she could go about doing that. There was no way she'd be able to do it alone, she knew that much, so she didn't really know how she could do something like that. The thought of being stuck where she was now for the rest of her life wasn't something that appealed to her. It was something that she didn't want. Sure, lots of other people didn't want it either but still stuck around in that town but she wasn't them and they weren't her. That was the difference between them.

There was no way their father would relocate work and the place they lived, Abi thought bitterly. He had a job and he had a semi decent paying job so there was no way he'd want to relocate just to go to a bigger town where he might not even be able to get a job. In all, she concluded, this place was perfect for her father. Not necessarily for anyone else but it was for him and that was all that matter to him apparently.

As much as she wanted to hate him she knew that she couldn't. Well at least, she couldn't now or anytime soon. No one knew what the future held so she didn't know whether or not she would end up hating him when she's older. Hell, she realised, she didn't even know whether she would outlive him or not. She could end up being killed way before he's even close to dying. That's a new thought to her which made her think long and hard about it.

She was so into her thoughts that she didn't hear someone coming up behind her and only realised someone was there when feet stood next to where she was standing. Quickly looking from where her gaze had been fixed on the sea, she relaxed when she noticed that it was only Tommy. Though a wave of curiosity hit her because he wasn't even meant to be in the town and yet here he was, next to her on the beach. Hell she didn't even know how he knew that she was on the beach. All the other times they had met they had been by the skate park or even by the park.

“I thought you were out of town,” Abi mumbled quietly, more to herself then to him but he still heard.

“She didn't turn up.”

“She?”

“My sister. Figures that she wouldn't turn up, I don't blame her, but still... I had hope.”

“Oh.” They were quiet for sometime after that, both just looking out at the sea. It was a blue-green colour that didn't look too appealing and yet they were both staring at it as if they were fascinated by it.

Finally Abi broke the silence. “It seems impossible, you know, to even consider getting away from this town. It's so small and everyone just... well, they're so judgemental of you if they know something about you. Second chances just don't exist here.”

Tommy looked away from the sea and back to Abi. “People don't need second chances here because most of the time, they don't get caught the first time to even have to have a second chance,” he told her. It made sense, really it did, but it still didn't satisfy Abi. But then, nothing ever did really.

“I want to break free from here, I just don't know how.” Tommy chuckled when she said that.

“Queen lyrics? How original Abi.”

Letting out a short laugh, Abi smiled slightly. “I know. Oh so original of me.”

It wasn't really like them to be joking around like they were now but Abi seemed to be loosening up around Tommy and Tommy, well let's just say he was liking her more and more each time he met up with her. And it was more than just the fact that she reminded him of his sister as to how come he liked her more and more.

“I can help you, you know,” he muttered quietly, making it so that Abi had to think twice as to whether or not she had heard him. “But I'll only help you if you really want me to.”

She knew straight away that she did want him to help her. That she really wanted him to help her. This time she wasn't hesitant with her answer nor did she have a single doubt about it. Really, she was far too used to him to ever have that doubt.

Maybe she should have had that doubt but maybe it was best that she didn't.