Pretty, Ugly Girl

Hannah knocked on Jade's door, disturbing the older girl from writing in her notebook. When she knocked again, Jade threw her pencil down before getting up and storming over to the door and yanking it open. It was clear to Hannah that she had disturbed Jade from doing something just by looking at the expression on her face.

“What,” she hissed at her sister, “Do you want this time Hannah?”

“It's Abi, I think she's doi--” Hannah was cut off by Jade, something that the younger wasn't all that familiar with.

“Get this Hannah, for fucks sake. No one cares about what you have to say about Abi. No one would care about what you have to say about James. Hell, no one would care about what you have to say about me! You need to learn that no one really cares Hannah, you're old enough to realise that but you're too naive to.” She meant for it to come out harshly and that was just what it did. Hannah felt shocked that Jade had something like that in the tone she did.

She was under the impression that Jade liked her and wanted to listen to what she had to say. Sure she was twelve but surely she wasn't that dumb, right? Right now she wasn't too sure.

“Seriously Hannah, why do you bother worrying about any of us? The fact is, no one cares about each other in this family. You care for yourself and yourself only. It's how it has always been and I'm afraid it's always going to be like that. So the fact that you supposedly care about Abi will never matter to her because she doesn't care about you,” she said, not caring about the fact that it was obviously hurting Hannah, her hearing all of this. Jade's reasoning to not caring is that Hannah needs to learn that she can't get hurt over everything otherwise she'll never get anywhere in life.

It was obvious that Jade was having a bad day just from hearing the tone that she spoke in but Hannah didn't pay any attention to that because she just heard her being horrible to her therefore she wasn't going to be nice to her.

“Why are you so mean all the time? Just because you lost your kid doesn't mean you can take it out on all of us. You wouldn't make a good mother anyway because you're too selfish to care about anyone else other than yourself. Everyone knew you weren't going to keep the kid but they told me to stay quiet because it'd be painful for you. I don't believe that because you're heartless Jade and no one cares about people who are heartless,” Hannah ranted, too caught up in her words to pay attention to Jade's expression. “Out of the three of you, I've wished for you not to be my sister far more then I have with the others.”

Jade felt like her breath was taken from her, squeezed and robbed from deep inside of her. Sure, they didn't get along at times and sometimes she wished she was in a different family but she would never ever wish for a certain individual to not be her siblings and then to top it off, tell them.

That was something that was far too mean for Jade to even think about doing and yet here Hannah was, spitting the words at her with a lot of meaning and a heck load of emotion in. Jade could just tell by her expression that she meant every word that she said.

And really, it tore her apart.

Jade went back into her room and slammed the door shut on Hannah. She lent back on it and shut her eyes tightly. It didn't really make that much of a difference because her room was dark as it was. Her curtains were never open and she rarely turned the light on because she didn't want light to come into her room. It would disturb her and she really didn't want to be disturbed.

She was a very private girl despite what anyone thought of her.

Stumbling back over to her desk, she fell into her seat and ripped the page out of her notebook before scrunching it up and throwing it across the room. Her bad day had just gone from bad to worse and it didn't seem like it wanted to fix itself.

Looking to her left, Jade's eyes fixed themselves on the picture that sat there. It was a framed family picture, one that was taken before their mother died. Back when they were all younger and back when they were genuinely happy. Jade missed them days so much and at times she felt herself wanting to just go and talk to James about it all because he was the oldest out of them all so it would mean he would remember more about it then the others.

Just before she would go and talk to him she'd then remember that they don't like each other - at least not that well to sit and reminisce about the past. Maybe a few years back she might have actually considered that but there was no way she'd do that now. And honestly it did hurt that she couldn't just go to her brother and strike up a conversation about the past and just have a nice conversation that didn't involve any sort of argument. She never let anyone know that though because why would they care?

It's just as much her fault that they don't talk much like it's just as much his fault too. No one gave a care to the fact that just maybe she wanted to get her relationship with him better but just didn't know how to go about it. After all she was eighteen now so it was like everyone expected her to know everything. It constantly weighed her down but she couldn't let herself sink because no on really care. No one in the family did and it wasn't like she had too many friends outside of the family. She didn't socialise too much which was why she didn't have many friends and it was also because whenever she did have friends she never wanted to go and hang out with them. It didn't appeal to her for some reason.

Picking up the pencil lightly, Jade took a deep breath before looking down at her blank notebook. The whiteness of the page was shadowed because of the darkness of the room and for that Jade was glad. She never knew why she was glad over a stupid thing like that but she was and there wasn't really anything she could do to stop herself being glad.

For some reason her eyes kept drifting back to the family picture next to her. Normally she would rarely look at it but yet, for some reason, her eyes were being drawn to it. The person her eyes were being drawn to the most was their mother. There was no doubt that Jade was the closest to their mother before she died. She was a proper mummy's girl and she never wanted to change that. James had been close to her too but he was more of a daddy's boy back then even though he'd never admit it now. Then again with the way he was Jade wouldn't want to admit to being a daddy's girl if she was one back then.

In a blink of an eye the picture had moved from being on the desk to laying face down across the other side of the room. The glass was shattered and no doubt in pieces underneath the frame but Jade didn't bother to go and check it out.

Jade was now hunched over the desk, pencil scribbling against the notebook whilst several tears pricked at her eyes. She wouldn't cry though because no one cares and if no one cares it means that you yourself don't care and that was how she saw it.

No one bothered her much like every other day. Not a single person knocked on her door nor did anyone attempt to reach her on her mobile. Everyday she figured that she meant less and less to people as the days went by. She meant less to herself as the days passed on by because she just couldn't find herself amounting to anything which would then mean that she would be nothing – correction, she is nothing. She knows she's is nothing and at first that did hurt but she got used to it because there was no way she'd be able to change it so the best thing for her to do was to accept it.

It was hard but she managed. Just likes she managed everything else in her life including being in this family and not meaning a single thing to any of them. Sometimes that fact soothed her over and other times it made her a wreck with her emotions. It was disturbing at times as well but she faced it and, unfortunately for her, she made it each time.

Snatching up the piece of paper from the notebook, Jade proceeded to scrunch it up before throw it in another corner of her room. She was getting extremely frustrated with herself which was not helping with her mood whatsoever.

Normally she was good with keeping her emotions and feelings under wraps because she was just that sort of person and hated showing people a side of her that they could use against her in one way or another. Since their mother died, Jade had been withdrawn from sharing things about herself with others and mostly kept her feelings under wraps. And it was all because of the fact that their mother died.

She was her little girl more so then Abi or Hannah ever was. So when she died and left her alone, without the one person she was attached to, it left her feeling like their mother had just ditched them and didn't care about her feelings. She was only eight then so whilst she did understand what was happening she also didn't at the same time. She knew that their mother was dead and wasn't coming back but she didn't quite realise that it wasn't her fault and that if she had the chance she wouldn't have left her or the others.

Of course Jade knew that all now but she didn't back then which did help shape her the way she was today.

A shrilled cry came from the room next to hers which startled her for a moment or two. It was Gordon once again. It wasn't so much that she hated him, because she really didn't, it was more the fact that she didn't get why Casey could have a child – one that she didn't want evidently – but when it came to her she couldn't. How was it fair that she wanted a child and would care for the child but when attempting to have one, miscarried it?

Running a hand through her hair, the side of her wrist accidentally brushed against her face as she went to lower it and she realised that there were tears on her face. The fact that she was all alone and no one was around to see her didn't matter as she harshly wipped them away. She couldn't cry because she wasn't weak and really, like Hannah or James would say, why was she crying anyway?

Jade knew she couldn't answer that question, not even to herself because she really didn't know. She hated not knowing herself because she didn't like being clueless like that, despite the fact that it was about herself.

Looking down at the notebook again Jade tightened her grip on the pen before placing the tip of it on the paper. She needed to write something on this paper and that something had to be good enough for her to write. The other two times hadn't been which was why she had thrown them away. It had to be good for no other reason than she needed it to be good. It was only herself that said the others weren't good enough; no one else had given that opinion on them. Then again, if anyone had read them and understood what they meant then questions would be asked. Questions that she didn't have the answers to and to be honest, she wouldn't even want to tell the answers even if she did know them.

Throwing down the pen, she got up from where she was sitting and walked over to the window before drawing back the curtain. It was raining despite the fact that it was July but Jade didn't mind. She never minded about the weather because she rarely paid attention to it for the simple fact that she rarely went out. There wasn't much for her to see through the window because it just looked across the back of their house and really, the view was just of the houses behind their house. It wasn't really attractive because the view was of the back of the houses so she could see into people's gardens. It also meant that whenever a child or children of one of the families that lived in a house behind theirs goes into the garden, she could hear every tantrum and screaming fit that they had. She had been woken several times by them on weekends or holidays when she had been sleeping at midday and they had been out in their garden screaming their heads off.

She didn't really know why she was standing at the window; there was no way it'd somehow help her with what she needed to write. Though she often found herself looking out her window at times although at them times she kept the curtains drawn shut and she only peeked through a little crack. She didn't want to be seen despite the fact that she probably wouldn't be seen by anyone out there.

Jade could remember burying their mother. Their father had got into an argument with their grandparents from their mother's side. They had said that it wasn't suitable for Hannah, Abi or Jade to be there because they were all under the age of ten. Although James was eleven they said it wouldn't be fair if only he went so it would be best if none of them turned up to the funeral. In a way, that was the last real time Jade had felt that their father actually gave a damn and cared about them because he argued with them and told them that if they weren't going to shut up about it and just let them say goodbye to their mother then he would get them kicked out and not let them say goodbye to their daughter. After all he was the one who had paid for the whole thing so therefore he could have kicked them out.

She never did say goodbye to their mother, not really. Sure she did say goodbye to the coffin that was open so that the children could see their mother looking beautiful and peaceful but she didn't actually get that she would never see her again. Not even when she watched the coffin get lowered into the ground. Despite the fact that she was eight years old, only James truly got what was happening and said goodbye properly, fully knowing that they wouldn't see her again.

Jade never wanted to say goodbye to their mother. She clung onto the hope that she wasn't dead and that she would come back soon and all would be well and they'd have their mother back. Now, looking back on it, she realised that it made it harder for her which wasn't good but never did she wish to have changed it.

Turning around so that her back was facing the window, she surveyed her room. She didn't have much in it because she rarely found anything that she wanted to keep. Her wardrobe barely contained anything of hers either – the clothes that their mother had worn were hanging up in it. She never let anyone look in it because she didn't want them to see them and then question her about them. Sure, they knew she had them but when she was given them they were in boxes and they expected her to keep them in boxes but Jade just couldn't do that. She made sure no dust clung to them when she hung them up in her wardrobe. Her shoes were also lined up neatly at the bottom of the wardrobe. Jade's own shoes were littered all under her bed.

Glancing at the shelf that was to her right, she could see all the family pictures that they had taken without their mother being in. Some were before her death and it was her behind the camera, actually taking the shot and some were from after her death and when their father tried for a bit. Suddenly she lunged forward and ripped a frame off the shelf and threw it to the floor, the glass shattering and breaking at her feet.

She didn't pay attention to the fact she was stepping on the glass as she walked forward. She was just intent on ripping all the picture frames from the shelf off and throwing them onto the floor. This time though she was crying and it didn't matter to her. She wasn't going to be wiping these tears from her face. Jade knew that even if anyone heard the glass breaking in her room no one would knock on the door and ask her what was going on. No one cared enough to do that.

And she was right.