Status: 50,239 words || Completed.
Pretty, Ugly Girl
Journal Entry
It feels like it has been longer then it actually has been. I have trouble remembering the last time I woke up and Jade was downstairs, arguing with James. And I miss it.
Some people would miss the person but not the arguments but I miss them too. They were how I knew their relationship to be and despite not liking them, it was normal for them to do daily. I would give literally anything to wake up to one of their arguments. Just anything to not wake up to the horror that she is dead and it could be my fault.
I had shouted at her the night before. I had said things that I didn't mean, honest, but I was angry at her. I thought she was being mean to me but I guess she was just telling the truth. It sucks that the truth hurts so much. But the fact that I reacted the way I did and said what I did makes me feel the worst ever. She killed herself after I had said them words. So in all, it was my fault.
If I hadn't have said them words to her then maybe she would be alive right now and I wouldn't be having these nightmares about it nor would I be feeling the guilt that it's my fault.
Selfish, I know, just thinking of myself here. Yes, I know that she would most probably be unhappy if she was alive right now but I can't help but think that it would be better than her being dead and buried six feet under the ground. At least I think its six feet under ground, unless it's five feet in which case I was only one off.
I wonder if she had never killed herself would any of what has happened, that doesn't involve Jade, have happened? I don't know... maybe not, I think. Though... really, now that I think about it, it probably would have happened because she wasn't that close to Jade when she was alive so really, it wouldn't have done a lot to affect what went on.
Would it?
Some people would miss the person but not the arguments but I miss them too. They were how I knew their relationship to be and despite not liking them, it was normal for them to do daily. I would give literally anything to wake up to one of their arguments. Just anything to not wake up to the horror that she is dead and it could be my fault.
I had shouted at her the night before. I had said things that I didn't mean, honest, but I was angry at her. I thought she was being mean to me but I guess she was just telling the truth. It sucks that the truth hurts so much. But the fact that I reacted the way I did and said what I did makes me feel the worst ever. She killed herself after I had said them words. So in all, it was my fault.
If I hadn't have said them words to her then maybe she would be alive right now and I wouldn't be having these nightmares about it nor would I be feeling the guilt that it's my fault.
Selfish, I know, just thinking of myself here. Yes, I know that she would most probably be unhappy if she was alive right now but I can't help but think that it would be better than her being dead and buried six feet under the ground. At least I think its six feet under ground, unless it's five feet in which case I was only one off.
I wonder if she had never killed herself would any of what has happened, that doesn't involve Jade, have happened? I don't know... maybe not, I think. Though... really, now that I think about it, it probably would have happened because she wasn't that close to Jade when she was alive so really, it wouldn't have done a lot to affect what went on.
Would it?
♠ ♠ ♠
My apologises that I didn't post this all up yesterday. I had a date with the bucket because of this viral bug.