Pretty, Ugly Girl

Hannah didn't know what was going on but she was lying for Abi without even having to. No one had asked her to lie for her sister, not even Abi herself, but for some reason she was doing just that. So to Mel and their father, Abi was in her room, like she almost always was. There wasn't anything that seemed out of place with Hannah saying that so no one questioned her nor did they think there was something wrong with what she was telling them.

It was slightly amusing to Hannah (if she had allowed herself to feel that) that they accepted it even when they hadn't seen Abi come back to the house and go upstairs. They all saw her leave the funeral but none of them saw her come into the house. But then, she realised, Abi was good at not being noticed because really, they all knew how to not be noticed because no one really cared in the family. Though now it seemed that there was a possibility that their father would start caring. It would make sense for him to, after all Jade had just killed herself because of that and now he was suffering from the fact that his eldest daughter was dead maybe because he never paid attention to her.

He kept trying to convince himself that it wasn't his fault. He didn't want to take responsibility to the fact that he could have caused his own child to kill herself. That wasn't something that any parent really wanted to admit to and he was no different. Plus the fact that he didn't want to admit to the fact that he had let their mother down. When she had died he swore that he would look after and care about each of their children and yet somehow, he didn't stick to his word. But he buried his head and kept telling himself that because he was working and getting quite a lot of money, that he was looking after and caring about them by making sure they could get just what they wanted.

And that excuse worked for him up until now. Now he just didn't know whether he could keep his head buried because Jade was dead and was never going to be coming back and there wasn't anything he could do about it. There was no way he'd be able to bring her back to life and even if there were a way, he didn't think that she would be too pleased with him and in fact, she'd probably hate him more then she did before. After all, he knew that she hated him before but never let it affect him because she was alive and healthy, plus the fact that she was still under his roof. But that was before and now she wasn't alive, healthy or even under his roof. She was in the same grave yard as her mother was buried in; it was the one thing that he made sure Mel done. Other than that he had nothing to do with the funeral.

At eleven John decided that he should go and at least try to talk with his kids. He didn't want the same thing to happen to any of them but it was hard for him to go from barely being around and having a conversation with them to suddenly showing that he cared. It wasn't something that he could do straight away, it was clear, but he was going to try.

The first one he tried with was James. It didn't get him anywhere because all he got was a mouth of cuss words and a hand sign that told him that he wasn't welcome in the room. He didn't know whether it was because Gordon was in there asleep or because he just didn't want to talk with him. John wanted it to be because of Gordon more then anything.

Knocking on Abi's door got Hannah's attention. She knew that her sister wasn't in the room but everyone else thought she was so she had to make sure their father didn't open the door and see for himself. At least, he couldn't do that yet, Hannah reasoned. She was almost certain that Abi would be back in the morning.

“She's asleep, you know,” she said which startled John for a moment because he didn't hear her come out of her room. It was strange because he was almost certain that her door made a noise. Though, he thought, maybe she switched rooms with Abi before? He knew that one of them had swapped rooms a year or two ago but he never paid attention so he didn't know which two swapped rooms.

John looked at Hannah and remembered that he never said sorry about forgetting about her birthday. Hell, he could have pretended that he knew but he had a moment of dumbness and couldn't keep the words to himself. “Really? Isn't it a bit early for her?”

She shrugged, “Maybe and maybe not. It's not like you would know.”

It seemed that they all went out of their way to make sure he knew that he wasn't around them a lot by always commenting about how he wouldn't know something whenever he questioned something about one of them. He made him feel worse, yes, but it also made him get annoyed because he knew that he had messed up and he didn't need them to constantly remind him. But apparently they felt the need to do so.

“Listen, Hannah...,” he started, turning from Abi's door to face his youngest daughter. She crossed her arms and just looked at him. It reminded him so much of their mother. “I'm sorry about forgetting about your birthday this year; I was just really caught up with work.”

“I've realised that I don't care because you've forgot about each of my birthdays since you put yourself more into your work. You've missed everyone else's birthday too so really, why should I be upset over that when they aren't?” she told him nonchalantly which really made him shocked.

She was twelve so she shouldn't be like that, or at least so he thought. A twelve year old shouldn't be able to know that much nor should they understand quite like that. A twelve year old should care. At least, to John they should because that's how he remembered them. They couldn't be that different now, could they?

“I'm really sorry Hannah; I don't mean to miss any of your birthdays, honestly. I love you all, I truly do,” he admitted, feeling slightly shameful. He hadn't said that he loved any of his children in a long time and he could tell that Hannah realised that when he just said the three words.

Her gaze wasn't one that was harsh but it did make John feel a bit uncomfortable. Never would he have ever thought that his youngest daughter would ever make him feel uncomfortable. “You love us, really?” she questioned quietly, not even looking their father in the eye.

“Of course I do Hannah.”

“Why are you saying 'of course'? Are you saying that because you're our father? Because that doesn't mean you have to love us. We've learnt that over the last few years because you haven't loved us. You could have spent time with us and still have worked as much as you do. It's not that hard to do and you know it but you're still trying to use that as your excuse. None of us are stupid any more, I think you need to realise that.” Hannah was sick of being the one that everyone thought believed anything. She was sick of being the one that was called gullible. She was growing up and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.

“I never said any of you were stupid,” he started but then faltered when he didn't know what to say next.

“Just go back to work. No one wants you here and really, I doubt you even want to be here. Go back to the only thing you love and want to do. We're fine without having a father, after all we haven't had one in almost ten years now,” was all Hannah said to him before turning on her heel and going into her room, slamming her door shut hard.

John was left standing in the hallway with the feeling that his relationships with his children weren't any bit salvageable.