Pretty, Ugly Girl

It was now nearing April which meant that Abi was now seeing little differences about herself thanks to the help that Tommy was giving her. There wasn't too much differences because she had only been going at it for a little over a month, but there were certain differences that she could notice quite clearly whenever she looked for them.

She assumed it was meant to help with feeling like she does, the whole spotting the differences, but it doesn't. In fact it just made her feel really horrible about herself because the differences were just so small that she was surprised that she noticed them because she wasn't looking for them when she spotted them.

It was currently the weekend and Abi was just at home, in her room. She rarely left her room during the weekend because she rarely saw Tommy during the weekend because the week was the most convenient for him to see her in. Also there was nothing for her to do on the weekend. They were some of the worst days for some teenagers because they can be bored out of their minds but there would be nothing they could do to cure that boredom.

She was just lying on her bed and facing the ceiling. Everytime she done that she tried to see whether she could spot any shapes on the ceiling like some people claim they can do on their own ceilings. But her ceiling seemed quite smooth with no shapes whatsoever visible on the ceiling which didn't make it all that great for Abi. She was bored, there was nothing for her to do outside let alone inside and here she couldn't even see shapes in the ceiling.

It was pretty pathetic, in her opinion, that she had been reduced to something like this. It almost made her laugh at just how pathetic and lonely she had gotten since recently. Well it felt like recently for her but it probably hadn't been because she had been like this for so long that she can't remember just how long it had been. Sometimes she didn't care that she couldn't remember but other times it frustrated her that she couldn't remember.

Although, at times, she could remember about it for a little while in time but as the time progressed onwards, she forgot about it when the day is over and she can't remember it again.

With a sigh, Abi looked over to the picture that was sat on her chest of drawers. It was one of her and her mother. She was young in the picture, not much older than four years old, and her mother was just giving her a big cuddle which was obviously done just for the camera.

It made her smile, remembering the memory of that day. Of course she couldn't remember it all seeing as she was just only four, but she remember it vaguely because she remembered her mother a lot and she was only in her memories at a young age.

Their mother never made it to see Abi turn six. She died from a heart attack a few months before she was going to be having her birthday. Birthdays were something that were looked forward to and enjoyed by Abi and her siblings. They were the best days of their lives because their mother just made them that much special and amazing. When she died their father did try and make it the same but it never worked so he gave up just after a year. Of course no one really paid that much attention to it because it reminded them too much of their mother so they didn't like it anyway.

But now that they're older they realised that it seemed like their father just gave up any attempt of getting close to them when their mother died. Maybe it was to do with the fact that he was scared he'd lose them or maybe he just couldn't bear to see the only things he had left in memory of his wife that could ever mean something to him.

In a way, no one could blame him for missing her and finding it hard to deal with their children. Each one looked a bit like their mother and a bit like their father so whenever their father saw them, he was reminded of their mother which hurt him.

He was the oldest one so he remembered so much from it compared to the others who were all basically children at the time. Their father had also spent more time with her than they had so therefore he did know an awful lot more of her than he did their children.

It was hard for Abi, to remember many good times in her life. It seemed like everything started to go down hill as soon as she died and no one bothered to try and stop the barrel going down the hill. It was like they just let it go because they just didn't care. And maybe that was the attitude they had to it, so what?

Abi was like that though so she couldn't really say anything about anyone. But really, she was seriously really young so she didn't really know much about actions then and whether or not she was correct all the time. Being five can be a challenging time for people because they can be so close to their mother and then all of a sudden wake up and find that she's no longer there. And even though they might ask and ask and ask about it, they most probably wouldn't get the right answer or even one close enough to it.

People lie a lot more than they do tell the truth. And sometimes it's better to lie than to tell the truth and sometimes it's better to tell the truth than it is to lie. Neither is wrong and yet some people teach that telling a lie is a bad thing even though they're lying every day. It just makes everyone hypocritical.

Sitting up on her bed, Abi reached out to the picture and brought it carefully over to her and rested it on the soft quilt she was sat on. She couldn't help but let a small, sad smile flutter across her face.

There is never a day that goes by where she doesn't wish that her mother is here. If she could, Abi would do anything to have her mother alive and here with her. Literally anything. It's the same with the others; they would do literally anything to get their mother back. Though no one was sure about Hannah because sometimes it seemed like she liked Mel. After all, she was a fair bit younger than Abi was when they lost their mother. Nonetheless, they were all fairly young then.

A sigh escapes Abi's lips as she turns the picture over and undoes the back, removing it carefully before looking at the back of the picture. It had the date, the people and the year it was done in. The date and the year were separate on it because the date most refers to day of the month and number of the month.

"Oh mum, I miss you still," Abi mumbled quietly to the picture, a few tears dabbing at the corner of her eyes. She knew something like that was going to happen so she really shouldn't have been surprised about it, but for some reason she was.

At times like these, she wished that she could have a full blown conversation with the picture and that it would answer her. It would make her feel less alone and more closer to her mother. It was bad that she wasn't even in her life for that long, and the fact that it had been ten years come this October wasn't something she was looking forward to.

Since her mother died, Abi's father hadn't been the same. And it made her miss the father she used to have. She was sure that her siblings missed the way their father was before but no one ever really spoke about it. To be honest, she often wondered whether any of them actually thought about it. Sometimes it felt like none of them thought or remembered their mother. Sure they might not like Mel for trying too hard in the role she'd never achieve, but she never thought that they actually thought about their mother.

But then again, she realised, they probably thought that she didn't think about her either. It wasn't true but it wasn't like they knew. And really, she'd probably never tell them that she does much like they would probably never tell her that they do. None of them were close so why would they say stuff like that? They wouldn't, end of story.

If Abi didn't have pictures of her mother around her room, and the hallway didn't have pictures of their childhood hanging up around it, then she most probably would start forgetting about how her mother looked like. It wouldn't be done on purpose because Abi would be extremely heartbroken if she ever forgot about her mother like that, but because of how long it had been since she had last seen her. It was the same with Hannah although Abi reckoned that she probably had forgot about her.

Though she didn't get why Hannah didn't have any pictures of her in her room. She knew that both Jade and James had at least one picture of their mother in their room and that there was a picture of their mother in their father's room. It probably made it a bit awkward for Mel but it stayed because it was a family picture and not just one of her so it was going to stay up most probably once they had all left on their own.

It was clear that their father still cared deeply about their mother, it was normal and natural. But sometimes the kids just wished that he'd care about them as much as he used to do. Despite the fact that they were all getting used to the fact that he didn't care, they did often wish he did. Even if it was only a little bit. At least it'd make them feel a little bit wanted by their actual family. None of them classed Mel as family despite the fact that she was married to their father.

She knew it and wished that they'd at least like her a little bit, but she never complained. She had both her parents still alive and never had to get used to a step-parent. And sure, she had been with them for a while now, but she realised that it probably never got easier for them. In fact, Mel reckoned that it most probably would never get easier for them. Sure when they're older they might start liking her a bit better and actually being civil with her most of the time, but it'd probably never be easy for them. After all they did think she was trying to take the place of their mother, which she wasn't trying to do. She was only trying to be there for them. Though, that itself was a thing that they associated with her trying to take their mother's place.