Lost It All

I watched her leave while I held my throbbing cheek. I was still in shock that she had slapped me. She had never hit me like that before and I had never seen that look of hurt and disgust in her eyes either. I wouldn’t be able to get that look out of my head and it made me groan.

I dragged myself back into the building, going straight to the bar and ordering a drink. Once I got it, I downed it within a minute. I needed to do something to get my mind off it, but I couldn’t help but let my mind wander back to Nadia.

If she didn’t completely hate me before, she must loath me now.

I would too.

I hadn’t seen the chick I was with earlier and quite frankly I was glad. I couldn’t even look at another girl without thinking about Nadia and that slap. My cheek throbbed again at the thought and I ordered another drink.

For a while I just sat at the bar, watching people come and go while I slowly drank myself into oblivion. Girls would come up to me, ask me to dance, or if they could buy me a drink but I blew them off.

Everything was getting fuzzy and without even knowing I felt myself being pushed and pulled out of Johnny’s and into the sidewalk by one of the workers. It had started to rain and I was getting drenched. One of the bartenders called me a cab and we waited for it while I held myself up against the building. The cab pulled up to the sidewalk and the bartender walked me to the yellow vehicle and helped me in the backseat. I was too drunk to realize what address I told the cab driver to go to and I slumped back in my seat, watching the scenery pass us by as he drove us to the apartment complex.

A roller coaster of emotions hit me and it was a hell of a lot worse considering I’ve had a lot to drink. By the time the car stopped, I was a blubbering mess. I tossed the driver some cash, telling him he could keep the change and I pull myself out of the car, once again feeling the rain pour down my face. I wrap my arms around myself to try and keep myself a little bit warm. But it wasn’t working so much.

I looked up and down the street, as the cab drives away, recognizing the street but not seeing my apartment complex anywhere. I looked ahead and felt my breath hitch in my throat realizing I’m on the street I lived on with Nadia.

“Shit,” I groan, shaking my head, but stumble across the street to the house anyways. I needed warmth and I was so wet, I had a feeling I might have a cold in the morning.

I dragged my feet up the walk way until I reached the stairs, and as I rose my foot to climb them something caught onto my foot, causing me to tumble forward and land face first into the door, making a loud thud. Pain shot all through me, and my head started to pound from the collision with the front door.

“Fuck!” I scream out, not even caring if I wake the neighbors and I don’t make any attempt to pull myself up.

I roll over on my back, letting my drunken tears fall from my swollen eyes and I let the rain pour down on me as I lie on the steps of my house, now a crumpled mess.

At this point, it truly felt like I’d lost everything. I lost it all and I had no idea how to get it back. First my baby, and now my wife. They were my world, and it was like after losing Lily, my world crumbled. I couldn’t handle the fact that Nadia had lost the baby. I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t going to be a father after we had waited so long to have a baby. And now, I don’t think it will happen for us again. Not after what I’ve done to her. She wouldn’t forgive me, and I really wouldn’t expect her to forgive me either.

“Brian!?” The tired, worried voice of my wife broke my thoughts but I didn’t budge. I felt so cold and like my body was about a thousand pounds heavier from how weak I felt. Nadia’s face then appeared from above me, worry laced through her beautiful brown eyes and she cupped my cheeks, slapping me lightly. “Brian, c'mon! We have to get you inside!”