Sacred.

“Bill, are you ready?” Tom poked his head into my room.

I nodded and fastened my tie.

“God, does this make it the first time you’ve left the house since her death?”

I nodded again. He put his arm around me, and accompanied me downstairs.

I had spent the last two weeks staring out the window, with her CD playing on repeat.

We stepped outside, and the cold hit me in the face. I had been asked to make a speech at Kayleigh’s funeral, but there was no way I could speak to that many people. As her boyfriend, I was allowed to see her body in the coffin. People had managed to change it, made it look almost photoshopped, but I knew, remembered, what she looked like.

Shortly after, we sat, right up the front next to Kayleigh’s mother, who was not in a good way after having lost two kids in the last month.

“I’m so sorry.” Tom dipped his head in her mother’s direction

Her shoulders shook as she cried.

Kayleigh’s Dad wasn’t here. It was said that on the Thursday, she had fearfully lodged a complaint against him in written form. Since then, he had been apprehended. The funeral was the saddest thing that I had ever attended. I cried so much, I received a headache.

“Bill?” he mum approached me after the service.

I dipped my head in acknowledgement.

Have I mentioned that I haven’t spoken a single word since I uttered that all important instruction for Tom to call the ambulance?

“Bill, can I hear your voice?” she pleaded.

I don’t even know if it exists anymore. I dipped my head in shame.

“She left me a note,” Mrs Brücke continued, “and it relates to you in some parts. Like, it says here, ‘Mum, I know Bill might not even listen to me, so can you please remind him to follow his passion for singing? He has to get Devilish, or Tokio Hotel, or whatever it’s called these days, off the ground. I know he can. So remind him that I still believe he can.’”

I could feel my tears welling up, but my vocal cords were nonexistent.

I dragged a hand over my eyes, catching any stray tears.

“Bill, she wants you to sing again, write songs again. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for my Kayleigh.”

I needed to relocate my voice now. I felt bad, worse. I was letting Kayleigh down. Letting everyone who loved her down. Dark thoughts took over my mind. I wanted to, needed to get home now.

* * * * *

“Bill, please, it’s not right!” Tom pleaded.

I pressed the cold blade of the scissors to the warm skin on my arm. After pressing hard enough, a drop of blood beaded on my skin.

“Oww, oww, oww, OWW! Bill, stop!” Tom continued.

I felt bad for him; the twin connection we shared meant he could feel any pain I experienced and vice versa.

I pulled the sharp blade down my arm, watching the skin slice apart.

“Bill, for fuck’s sake!” Tom took the scissors off me and ran off.

Blood trickled down my bear arm in thin streams. Tom returned, bandages and disinfectant in hand.

“Hell, I hope you know that this hurts.” Tom groaned.

He began to disinfect my arm, gritting his own teeth against the pain. When he finished that, he wrapped the bandage carefully around my arm.

“Bill, don’t let it depress you. I know that losing Kayleigh was hard, almost like a part of you died, but you can’t let it get to you. You know what she, I and you all know? You can turn this into music. Write all the emotion into a song.”

Then I knew what to do. I sat at my desk, with a pencil, stave paper and a sheet of lined paper from my maths book, and sang as I wrote:

“I'm still awake for you
We won't make it together
We can't hide the truth
I'm giving up for you now
My final wish will guide you out
Before the ocean breaks apart
Underneath me
Remember
To me you'll be forever sacred
I'm dying but I know
Our love will live
Your hand above
Like a dove
Over me
Remember
To me you'll be forever sacred
You break the ice when you speak
With every breath you take
You save me
I know that one day
We'll meet again
Try to go on as long as you can
Even when the ocean breaks apart
Underneath you
Remember
To me you'll be forever sacred
I'm dying but I know
Our love will live
Your hand above
Like a dove
Over me
Remember
To me you'll be forever sacred
Forever you
Forever sacred
Forever you
You will be sacred
In your eyes
I see the hope
I once knew
I'm sinking
I'm sinking
Away from you
Don't turn around
You'll see
You can make it
Never forget
To me you'll be forever sacred
I'm dying but I know
Our love will live
Your hand above
Like a dove
Over me
And one day
The sea will guide you
Back to me
Remember
To me you'll be forever sacred
To me you'll be forever sacred”

Tom just looked at me, tears in his eyes.

“It’s beautiful, Bill.”

“It’s what she was thinking when she died, Tom.”