Make a Fool Out of Me

I sat down and watched as he lay in his bed. The man I loved. The first man I loved. Before him there was no one else. No one. He’s sleeping; peacefully. The dark circles under his eyes have grown more and more intense over the past days. I know he sees it too.

We’re at breaking point. Work is stress. Family is stress. Our relationship is stress. Life is stress.

I honestly don’t see how we can move forward, especially not after last night.

Him! My boyfriend...

It’s hard to believe that he did it. The innocent, tired, worn out looking man sleeping in front of me was capable of far more than I ever imaged. No...That’s not a good thing.

The man I love betrayed me. I gave him everything and he’s gone and ruined all of it!

Last night I got a call from one of his work colleagues. Apparently I deserved to know the truth: He’s been having an affair with some slut from the office. He traded me in for some girl. A person he’s known for what? A few months tops. We’ve been together since high school! He was my first love! I came out for him! I did it all for him...

...he cheated.

Right now my head isn't right at all. I'm sat here, staring at his restless body. I love him. Even after finding out about all this, I can’t turn my heart off. Feelings aren’t something that you can change whenever you feel like it. They’re a lot more complex than that. That’s why they’re so important. If he felt the way I do, then he wouldn’t have hooked up with some girl from work.

Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions though. I can’t be sure the person from work is telling the truth. Do they have a reason to lie? No. But do I have a reason to believe them?

He’s never done anything to hurt me in the whole time that I’ve known him, so why would he suddenly do this? Is he bored of me? Am I not enough of a slutty female for him?

What am I meant to do?

Nosy boyfriends on TV usually route through their partners phones but I'm not sure whether or not I'm prepared to do that. I should trust him. I should trust that this person lied about him cheating...I don’t though.

When you hear something like that, you either instantly believe them, or instantly think they’re crazy for even suggesting it. Unfortunately I fall into the first category. I feel like he has done this to me. I feel like...like we’re finished.

After watching him for a little longer I stood up and took his phone from the bedside table. What I'm doing feels so wrong, but the prospect of possibly getting some answers from doing this is urging me on. I need to know.

I typed in his password, as I obviously know it by now, and then headed straight to his messages.

One name kept appearing on the screen, making my eyes sting. It’s...true?

Jessica

Jessica

Jessica

Jessica

Jessica

Etc etc...

I blinked back the tears and opened up one of the messages.

Jessica –Love you! We make the sun shine xxx

I bit down on my lip so hard that I wound up bleeding. He’s really cheated on me. He actually did it!

As the tears trickled down my face I forced myself to open another message.

Jessica – Come on and move with me, move with me

...

Without another thought I dropped the phone onto his bed and stormed out of the room, doing whatever I could to stay calm. I don’t want to freak out over this but to stop myself going into hysterics I had to get out of that room.

I can’t look at him.

I can’t imagine him being in that bed with someone else.

Someone... not me.

I can’t stay here.

There was a notebook on the bedside table, so I took hold of it and tore out the first clean page. I'm leaving. I wrote down a simple sentence before rushing off to collect my things. He doesn’t deserve an explanation. I don’t want his excuses. No second chances. No nothing.

I dropped the note on his bedside table: Don’t you think I could tell that you were trying to, trying to, make a fool out of me, fool out of me.

There's one thing that won’t change for a while though, no matter how much I want it too. I love him. Still.

There’s no chance I'm going to forget how kind he was. How loving he was. When my mum died a few years ago, he was the one that was there for me. He made me feel so much better. He made my entire life worth living.

...

Why?

Why do I still have to love him?

Why do I always end up getting hurt?

...

Why isn't he here making this better?

It’s such a paradox, isn't it, isn't it?