More Than Words

Nick got a call from his doctor in Houston, Dr Sheppard, to discuss his PET scan that was done the day he was admitted. The PET scan was a way for doctors to see where the cancer was in his body. If his doctor was calling him from Houston… it wasn’t good.

“Hey, Dr. Sheppard.” Nick said. “Yeah, someone’s with me. I’ve got my boyfriend here.”

I heard the low hum of his doctor’s voice, but couldn’t make out what he was saying.

“No.” Nick said, looking a little upset. “Yeah, maybe he does, but why would I want to burden him like that? Doc, it’s not- fine. Okay.” he sighed and held the phone away from his ear. “He says you deserve to hear, as well.” Nick put the phone on speaker rand placed it on the table across his bed so I’d be able to hear, too.

“Hello?” I said, a little nervous for what he was going to say.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Sheppard. I supervised Nick’s care during his stay at our hospital.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m glad you took such good care of him, or else I’d never have met him. I'm Ellory.”

“Nice to meet you as well. Okay. Ready, Nick? Ellory?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

“Your PET scan showed that the leukemia not only came back, but it came back with a vengeance. Your whole body just… lit up on the PET scan. I hate to make you travel, but… you’re going to need to come down here. We’ve got your treatment files and all the equipment. But I have to warn you- with this drastic of a relapse… I can’t promise you more than a year. I’ll be able to make a more accurate prognosis when you get here. But Nick- your parents are going to want to know.”

“Screw that.” Nick snapped. “They only stayed with me because I was sick. If I didn’t have cancer, I’d have been out on my ass the moment I came out. I’m an adult now- I can hold my own and pay my own way with the money they gave me. I don’t want them around me, acting like they care.”

“Nick, you need someone.”

“No, I-“

“I’ll go.” I said, cutting him off. “I’ll go to Houston with him. The town will be okay without books for a few months. And I can ask Carly if she can come up when she can. I’ll go to Houston with you.”

“El.” he said, looking… sad. “No.”

“What?” I said, shocked.

There was silence for a second. Nick lowered his head, took a deep breath and looked up. “I said no.”

Another silence followed. I had no idea what to do, what to say. What can you say to your boyfriend when he tells you not to come with him to help him through cancer treatment?

“Doc, I’ll see you soon. I’ll call later to figure out transportation.”

“Nick, don’t push people away.”

“Goodbye, Dr. Sheppard.” he said and ended the call.

“Ellory… It’s not that I don’t want you there. I do. It’s just-“

“Just what? Just that I wasn’t meant to last this long? That it was just supposed to be a fling before you moved on to the next town, the next state? Well, too late. I’m in love with you, and I'm not letting you go through this alone.”

“Ellory, I want you to be in my life. I do. I want to grow old with you. I want to spend the rest of my life in the bookstore with you. But I can’t do that. I can’t grow old with you because I probably won’t grow old at all. For all I know, the rest of my life could amount to a grand total of a month. You deserve someone who can give you all those things, and more.”

“I don’t even deserve you. You’re already too good for me.” I was starting to get a little teary and my voice shook a bit.

“El, I won’t make you watch another person you love die. I won’t. You have a long, wonderful life to lead. Don’t waste any of it on some poor dying son of a bitch. Don’t waste it.”

“Nick, you’re sick. You need someone there. I won’t let you die alone.” My voice broke and a tear slid down my cheek. I was tired of having to say goodbye. He wasn’t going to make me do it again, before I even have to.

“Ellory- for me. Please. Consider it a last request. Go live your life, because I can’t. Go to Paris or backpack across Ireland. Don’t come with me. Please.” He had tears in his eyes now, too. His voice was pleading, desperate, something I’d never heard before.

I knew then that I had to do this, even if I didn’t want to.

He didn’t want me there and if I were, he’d just worry about me instead of getting better.

“I love you so much.” I said. “I’ll never stop loving you, okay? Don’t forget that. When the treatment gets bad, just know that wherever I am, there’s someone out there who loves you, no matter what. And if you change your mind and want me there, just call, and I’ll be there, as soon as I can, okay?”

“Thank you.” he said, smiling sadly through his tears.

“For what?”

“For everything. For not fighting me too much on this. For giving me a job. For giving me a place to live. But mostly? For loving me. I never thought I’d have something as good as you in my life. Just… thank you.”

I let out a quiet sob as a tear rolled down my cheek. “You just get better, okay? You get better and come home, and I’ll be waiting.”

He smiled sadly, knowing as well as I did that that was highly unlikely. “I’ll do my best. But, if you don’t hear from me… promise you won’t stay holed up in the house all day long. Go out and see the world. Promise?”

“I promise.” I said.

|~|

And that was that.

Nick went to Houston in a Medevac helicopter so they could monitor his vitals in flight. We said goodbye as he was moved to the helicopter with tears and “I love you”s. It wasn’t raining, and there were no melodramatic monologues or declarations. It was just us. We were never a very dramatic couple, and it didn’t seem right to become one now.

I kept telling myself that it wasn’t goodbye forever, just for now, but I knew that wasn’t really true. I’d seen his PET scan after we talked to Dr. Shepard, and… there’s not many who can come back from that.

So, that night, I bought a ticket to Dublin and rented a car. I was going to do what Nick would want me to do.

I would live for the both of us.