More Than Words

The airport was crowded- full of business travelers and families with children and too much luggage, and there I was, with one suitcase, a backpack and a one-way ticket to Dublin.

Not leaving your own state for years tends to allow for a lot of saving. I had enough money to pay for a trip to Ireland. I had a visa good for at least a year, and I was ready to see more of the world than I’d ever had before.

I had half of my closet in the suitcase and my favorite books in my backpack, and I was ready to go out and see the world. I couldn’t stay in the shop after Nick left. It held too many memories and I can’t take it. So I’m going off to try and find my happiness again.

I was standing in line for the security checkpoint, getting out my ID and preparing myself to answer the TSA agent correctly when they asked me what my name is when I felt something out of place. Next to my wallet, there was a small, round plastic… something that hit my hand as I reached in. What did I put in my backpack? When was the last time I even used this backpack?

”El!”

I turned back towards the house where I’d just said goodbye to Nick. I had to go to Los Angeles for a week for a publisher’s convention and Nick was staying back to help with the shop. Nick ran down the stairs and held out something small in his hand.

“It won’t be as interesting as me, but maybe it’ll keep you entertained.”

He leaned in to kiss me deeply, a sort of desperation in the kiss.

“It’s only a week.” I said, smiling and shaking my head. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

“I know. But it’ll be weird being at the shop without you. Whom will I dance with while you’re away?”

I laughed and kissed him again before hugging him tightly. “I’ll be home soon.” I whispered in his ear.

“You better. I get lonely in that big bed, all by myself.”

“Oh, come on. You can go without sex for a week.” Nick had been sleeping in my room for the past 3 months, and sex had become kind of a constant at least one, if not more, time a day.

“Not since you, I can’t.” he said, pulling back, but not too far. “Normally, I’m fine with going months, years even, without it, but with you… at the risk of sounding like an 80s song, I just can’t get enough.”

I groaned. “Go back inside before I go in with you and make myself late.”

He laughed and pulled away to walk back inside.

“I’ll miss you!” I called to him. “Don’t torch the shop out of sexual frustration!”

“No promises!” he yelled back.

I finally looked down at what he slipped into my palm and smiled. The 20 questions logo glinted up at me and I shook my head. I slipped the game into my backpack and tossed it into the passenger seat.

I already missed Nick.

“Sir?”

I looked up from the game to see the TSA agent staring at me.

“Oh, yes, sorry.” I said, handing him my ID, trying to forget about the 20 questions game in the pocket of my backpack. But suddenly, the same that was an insignificant weight before now weighed heavy on my shoulders.

I went through security as quickly as possible, put my shoes back on and pulled out my phone.
I didn’t have Dr. Sherman’s direct line, but I’d looked up the hospital he works for and saved the number to my phone. Just in case.

“Memorial Herman Cancer Center, how may I help?”

“Hi. I’m, uh, looking for a patient. Nicholas Clarke. He’s in the oncology ward.”

“What’s your relation?”

“We-um. We’re in a relationship, but I can’t be down there with him.”

“Okay, let me check on that for you.” There was a pause and I heard her typing. “I’m sorry sir, but we no longer have a patient by that name admitted here.”

“What do you mean?”

“It means he is no longer listed as receiving treatment at this hospital.” she said. “You said he was in oncology?”

“Yeah.” I said. “Leukemia.”

“Well, it could always be that he doesn’t need the treatment anymore, that he’s in remission.”

“Thanks for the hope, but… he was terminal.”

“I’m so sorry.” she said, really sounding it.

“No, it’s okay.” I said. “Thank you.”

“I'm sorry you couldn’t be here for him.”

“I’d say it’s fine, but… Well, it’s what he wanted, anyway. Thanks for everything.”

“No problem.” she said. “You’re going to be okay?”

“I have no idea.” I said, my voice cracking a bit. “But seriously, thank you.”

I hung up and took the phone away from my ear in a daze, the nurse’s words echoing in my head.

He was gone.

Nick, the person I’d wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the one that twirled me around the store, the one I loved more than anything and loved me back just as much… was gone.

I closed my eyes and willed away tears, not wanting to break down in front of all these people.

Well. That was that. I was doing what he would want me to do.

That’s what I kept telling myself since I left the hospital. It’s what he wants…wanted.

With that, I picked myself up and walked on to my gate the 20 questions game still in my bag, a little piece of Nick still with me as I left my home and went off to see the world.

But even without the game… a piece of him would always be with me.