Breakable Me

I stood in amazement as mascara, lipgloss and hair-straighteners flew between Juliette, Ronnie and Tory. It was organized chaos at its finest, and I was the grand spectator. I didn’t want to interrupt them as I was completely lost. I had never straightened my hair in my life as my grandmother said that was only what people with low self-esteem did. You should be proud with every aspect of yourself, she would rant on how my hair looked so much like my mother’s. When the sun hit it just perfectly, all the chestnut coloring would fade away and reveal its inner redhead. Her rambling always reminded me of a picture of my mother, as her hair is blowing in the breeze, the sun catching the redness and her peacefully strumming on her guitar. She has such a serene existence, so I could see why she didn’t to ruin that with dirty diapers and constant crying that even her guitar couldn’t soothe.

“Can you see my tattoo through this top Callie?” Ronnie asked as she brushed her hair to the side. She was wearing a low-cut lace black shirt that looked really cute on her. It worked all of her curves and set off her best assets.

“No, not really.” I replied as she continued to put on mascara with her mouth open.

“Thanks!” She said as she closed her mouth and finally turned around to look at me. “What are you wearing?” She finally noticed my attempt with white shorts and a nice top. “Okay, we are going to need to help you out.” Tory and Juliette now also turned around, staring at me with only half of their make-up done, nodding in agreement.

“I bet you are almost my size.” Tory spoke up, as she was dazzling in a short, one-shouldered black dress. She quickly ruffled through her suitcase, clearly not even spending the time to fully unpack yet. “This!” She said as she pulled up a sparkly gray shirt with cute blue pumps.

“Perfect!” Both of the girls said in unison. “I love dressing people up.” Juliette said as she handed me mascara to put on.

“Thanks ya’ll.” I said shyly. “I’ve never really been to a real party before.” I admitted as I tried not to poke myself in the eye with the mascara brush. It didn’t come as naturally as they made it look.

“Never?” Ronnie asked shock, her mouth now open, but not from putting on make-up.

“No, I mean I’m from a small town...” I thought that was an acceptable excuse.

“Well me too!” Tory chirped in. “Thank goodness my parents already had been through two other children and were okay with us having parties at our house!” Tory chuckled as she messed with her hair.

“There was all that in my town too, but I didn’t want to sneak out and disobey my grandparents.” I explained.

“She is very attached to them,” Ronnie chipped in. I wasn’t sure if she was saying that in a derogatory sense or not, but I decided to let it slide.

Juliette turned around in the mirror to check out her behind. “Everything makes perfect sense then.” She evened out her lipgloss by brushing her fingers over her lips. I wasn’t sure that was a put-down. “So who wants which boys tonight? I’m overdue for at least a make-out. I can’t let this body go to waste. Beta has the best parties too; I’m so glad we got invited there first.” The whole mood of the room shifted dramatically, and I wasn’t sure how to react. I guess I should have assumed going out meant hooking up, and I definitely wasn’t ready for that.

“I really want Eric.” Ronnie called out. “Those eyes.” She moaned. I didn’t even notice what his eyes looked like, probably from the lack of eye contact.

Tory clicked her tongue. “Alright, well Juliette, you can have Bryan since you seem like you are practically dying over there for someone to get into your pants. That’s all you’ve been talking about since we’ve gotten here.”

“I did see Bryan giving eyes to Callie though.” Ronnie mentioned giving me a wink.

I shook my head in denial. I was sure that wasn't the case. He was just being nice. “I don’t-I don’t want Bryan.” The words stumbled out of my mouth, as I realized giving my number to Bryan earlier may have meant he expected me to kiss him tonight. The dynamics were much different in college, and I didn’t understand them at all.

“Why not?” Juliette almost sounded offended. As if, I was rejecting him because he wasn’t good enough for me, when that wasn’t it at all.

My eyes widened. “I wouldn’t know what---” I started. It was always a worry to me that when I got the chance that I wouldn’t know how to kiss. I had seemed to miss the threshold when most everyone got their first kiss. I would be the noob when everyone else was a pro. Who goes first? Left or right side? Open mouth or closed? I didn’t know if I could just live in the moment as everyone seems to be able to do.

“You wouldn’t know what?” Juliet began to get defensive as she inched closer to me with her arms crossed.

I looked down at my flip-flops and regretted even deciding to go. I had to tell them now though. It would come out eventually. “Bryan is very attractive. I think he is beautiful, but I just wouldn’t know how to do anything with him.”

All three girls looked confused. “Spit it out, Callie.” Ronnie egged me on as she sat down beside me on the futon.

“I’ve never kissed a boy before.” If their eyes went wide before, they looked like they were about to explode now. They all looked at each other as they were afraid that they might have not heard me correctly.

“Not even an innocent playground kiss?” Tory questioned.

I shook my head, “No.”

“Drunken hook-up?” Juliette said as she raised an eyebrow. I’m sure she was familiar with those but not me.

“I’ve never been drunk either,” I stated. It was best that they knew everything upfront. These would be the people that I would be around all year, it was best to just say it now.

“How have you never been kissed though? You’re pretty.” I blushed at Tory’s comment.

“Well,” I started off. I didn’t really have a clear reason. “I always grew up with the same fifteen boys, and I never liked them in that way. I’ve always wanted to and have dreamed about it. Many times,” I said under my breath, “I’m just afraid that I’ve waited too long now.”

“You definitely haven’t.” Tory comforted me.

Juliette licked her lips. “A lips virgin, but not after tonight! We’ll set you up. I’m so excited!” It seemed now that I was this poor lost kitten, Juliette could be nice to me. I guess I was no longer a threat.

“Let’s finish getting ready, and go get Callie her first kiss,” Ronnie chimed in. I wanted to argue, but the girls were back to the mirror, with me, left watching them once again. I didn’t just want to kiss some random guy at a party. Some little naive part of myself wanted it to be special. A boyfriend that truly loved and understood that this would be a very special moment. I could have wasted it on a number of boys; it needs to mean something.



The walk to the fraternity house was farther than I expected. I felt like I had walked as much in this night as it would take to hike around the three mile trail around my house. However, it was nice to have the guys lead us through because I don’t think we would have found our way all across campus. The difficulty scale was also raised as the girls forced me into the blue pumps, which were more uncomfortable than they looked.

Once we got to frat row it was easy to find a party. Since it was the first night students were back almost every house was lit up, with music blaring, and their greek letters shining bright. Beta Theta Pi looked just like all the other ones, but I knew that was the one were looking for and was so excited once we made it there.

There were two guys waiting outside sipping on beers, and they seemed to know Eric right away. The guy on the left seemed to have had a few too many beers in his career as his face was attractive, but the beers showed in his belly. He came up to Eric first and put him in a headlock. “Robbie’s lil bro has finally made it to the big time.” The other guy was much taller and skinner, and he just greeted Eric with a handshake.

“Nice to see you too,” Eric laughed, and I finally looked into his eyes and saw they were a gorgeous hazel as the porch lights reflected in his eyes.

The bigger guy came over to us, “Look, Robbie’s brother has some game too. Welcome ladies, drinks are inside to your left.” The other three girls giggled, and I followed along. Eric headed into the house first and the rest of us followed along, finally everyone else in our group seemed as wide-eyed as myself.

The party was packed. There were strobe lights in the front room where many people were dancing, and the music was blasting. We passed that room and headed straight for the drinks. Through the hallway I could hear a loud woohoo as I looked to my right and saw a group of guys winning a round of beer pong. “Looks like we got some party juice,” Bryan said as he already poured me a cup and handed it to me.

“Thanks,” I said even though I didn’t really want it. I took a sip, and it tasted like tang. I drank a little more and still didn’t taste anything stronger than tang. I wondered if he had given me a non-alcoholic drink.

I saw all the other girls chugging their drinks before going back and refilling them from the big coolers. “I’m gonna feel this in the morning,” Tory laughed.

“It taste like Tang, though.” I mumbled, but it must have been loud enough for Ronnie to hear.

“It’s Everclear, mixes well but strong.” Ronnie commented, but continued to drink.

“We are gonna go find some beers,” Eric said as the girls nodded.

Juliette flashed a smile, and then her face became serious. She pursed her lips, “Game plan; Callie drink more, find a guy you think is attractive, tell me, I’ll get him for you, then I can go make out with Bryan.” I just nodded. Maybe she would be too drunk to notice when I never filled her in.

Before we could talk anymore, the boys were already back. “Ready to hit the dance floor?” Eric said as he eyed Ronnie.

“Definitely!” Tory said as she grabbed my hand and we headed back into the crowded room where everyone was grinding. I felt uncomfortable as there wasn’t any space. Bryan was already dancing with Juliette and Ronnie with Eric. Tory didn’t seem to mind as she took another big gulp of her drink. She jumped up and down, and I tried to copy her dance moves. However, the song quickly changed to a fast-paced rap song where everyone started to really get into it. No more than two seconds passed before two guys came up behind me and Tory. I had only danced once with a boy at Prom, but this guy seemed to want to more than just dance side to side as he already securely had his hands gripped on my hips, and I didn’t even know what he looked like.

However, I could see Tory mouth, “so cute, go for him.” With how fast she was putting back those drinks, I wasn’t sure how much I could trust her. I slowly backed away from the guy who seemed too drunk to care; there were plenty of other girls anyway. “No thanks.” I told him without even getting a good look at him. If I couldn’t look at boy from my hall in the eye, I definitely couldn’t look at this boy who I had been so close to. “I’ll be right back,” I told Tory. I gave Ronnie a smile as I tried to make it back out without bumping into too many people. I set down the Tang drink on a table.

“Do you need a refill?” A voice asked from behind me. My cheeks turned a bright red as I turned around and noticed it was the pretty boy with a beer belly.

“Um, no thanks.” I awkwardly replied.

He flashed a smile, “Just let me know if you need anything.” He said while placing his hand on the small of my back before continuing down the hall.

I felt sick. Everything felt so wrong. I didn’t fit in here at all. I don’t drink, or enjoy to being danced with like that. I already felt dirty just by being there. I looked around and saw there was a glass sliding door which hopefully led to a porch. I just needed an open space; I already felt claustrophobic and missed the spaciousness of the mountains. I hurried over to the door while dashing a few couples already making out on the couches.

I slid the glass door behind me and took in a breath of the fresh air. I felt like I could finally breath now that the air wasn’t filled with cigarette smoke and beer. I gazed up at the stars and realized that you could barely see them from out here; we were much too close to the city. There would be no more laying on mountain tops trying to make out the different star patterns.
“Looking for a star to wish on?” A gentle voice questioned.

I jumped at the sound of another voice and stumbled backwards into a lawn chair. “Ahh!” I squealed.

The man hopped down from the wooden banister, and it made a loud thump. He stepped out of the shadows, and I was able to see his face for the first time. I felt my eyes go wide as I examined him. He was fairly tall and skinny with dirty blond hair; his bangs touching the tips of his eyes. There was something intriguing about his look. He wasn’t your typical frat guy that was for sure, nor was he particularly the typical description of attractive. However, his stature made him look confident as he reached his hand to help me up. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.” He chuckled as I touched his hand. It was warm and firm, and I was lost for words.

“Uh.” I started and then looked into his eyes. They were the brightest blue eyes I had ever seen in my life. I didn’t know if it was the way the light was hitting them or what it was that made them so enticing. More than that, they spoke to me almost instantly. They lacked an innocent that was once there and were now bright with mischief. “Your eyes are beautiful.” He looked at me strangely, and I realized that I had said that out loud. I quickly dropped his hand, and I could feel my face becoming instantly pink. I felt so stupid. I finally actually look a boy in the eyes, and this is what I say. This was why I never had a boyfriend; I was lost about how to act around boys in general.

He seemed to laugh to himself. “I’ve heard that before.” However, I barely heard him as I was already trying to open the glass door to go back inside. I couldn’t stand it in there, but I had made a fool out of myself already. “Don’t leave just because I’m here. You came out here for a reason. I won’t bother you.” I stopped messing with the door, but I felt even worse. Now he thought that I was purposely avoiding him. “If you don’t want me to,” he continued with a smirk on his face. He was facing me now and saw my eyes go wide. “I’m sorry, I’m a little drunk,” he commented as he shook his red cup and retook his place on the banister.

“No, I’m so sorry. I’m acting so strange. This whole thing just isn’t for me,” I admitted as I joined him on the banister. I could talk to a cute guy and not spazz out.

“Yeah, parties make me pretty crazy.” He concurred. “Well more than usual,” he looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

I chuckled, but I was memorized by his eyes once again. I felt my own eyes begin to drift down to his lips, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t just kiss him right now. “I must confess I’ve actually never been to a party before.”

His bushy eyebrows raised even higher, and there was a sparkle in his eye, similar to the one Juliette had earlier. “Really? Everyone always got so drunk every weekend at my high school. Where you from?”

“A small mountain town called Norwood Hollow.” I practically whispered.

“Okay,” he said as he took a sip from his cup, “no clue where that is. I’m from Burlington, Vermont. Big enough, but Nashville is much more exciting. I’ve never been a fan of country music, but I love the atmosphere that surrounds it.”

I nodded my head. “Yeah most people don’t know where I’m from.”

He nudged me in the side, “Well you definitely got a small town charm about you. I wouldn’t lose that. Innocence is cute. Few people can pull it off.” If only he knew how truly innocent I was, I thought. There was silence as I didn’t know what to say next. I sat on my hands and tried to think of what else I could ask this boy. “So what made you decide to enter the world of drugs, sex and alcohol?” He joked as he realized I wouldn’t be the one to fill the lull in conversation.

I didn’t really know exactly why I was here. “My roommate and hallmates, I barely got to see anything here before they were already getting me ready to go to this party that these guys invited us to.”

“So you mean peer pressure then?” He teased as he ran his hand through his hair to push it out of his eyes.

I giggled, “When you put it that way, yes.” I looked up to the sky, but I could feel his eyes still on me, examining me. “I didn’t have time to make other friends. Hopefully I will.”

“I can be your friend.” He said almost too quickly. “However, I probably should know your name first.”

“Oh,” I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t even known his name yet, but I already felt comfortable around him, “it’s Callie Mae, yours?”

“Nolan.” He said with sticking out his free hand, and I shook it again excited to feel his warm hand against mine. Even though I was sure mine must have been a little sweaty from the heat and how nervous I was.

“Meeting you has been the best part of my night so far,” I admitted, for some reason, not afraid of being honest. “Every guy I met inside was more excited to get me a drink than even talk to me.”

Nolan looked at me with engaged eyes, realizing just how innocent I was with those words. “College guys, unfortunately.” I noticed that he really got the chance to look at my eyes, noticed how blue mine were as well. “I can see now why. You have sex eyes. Damn.”

“What?” I said almost too quickly.

Nolan laughed as he saw how offended I must have looked. “Calm down, you just have a great come hither look,” he joked as he wiggled his index finger and winked at me. “It’s not a bad thing.” He said as he emptied his cup and turned it upside down on the banister.

I giggled to shake away some of the nerves; I felt like I was the one that needed a drink. “I just-just never heard that before,” I explained.

Nolan shrugged his shoulders. “Well probably not enough guys are as forward as me to say something like that.”

I nodded my head; I wondered if he was the same way when he wasn’t drunk. I was staring at him again, and I was lost for words. “Uh-um,” I murmured. His eyes met mine again, and I could tell he was smiling just from looking at his eyes. I was speechless, and he was enjoying that he had such an effect on me.

Suddenly, I heard the glass door slide open. “Nolann, come back in and join the party.” A clearly drunk guy said as he grabbed onto the door before almost falling over. “Oh,” he said while laughing. “I’m such a cock-blocker, sorry.” The guy said while stumbling back into the party, leaving the door open. I had gotten lost to where I was, but that was a quick reminder.

Nolan laughed, “I apologize, that would be my roommate. It is going to be a long year. Random turned out not to be the best idea.”

I shook my head, “No need to apologize.” Unfortunately, he brought me back to reality. “I probably should go back inside in find my hallmates. They are probably looking for me.” I hopped down from the banister, but felt a warm hand once again holding mine.

“Let me help you.”

“I’d appreciate that.” Nolan let go of my hand and followed me back into the party. The scene looked much different. The big living room was now filled with even more couples making out, beer cans all over the floor, it was impossible to walk or get by. How long had we been out there? It didn’t seem like more than five minutes. Nolan grabbed my hand once again so not to lose me. I didn’t mind.

We continued down the hallway and noticed that the dancing crowd hadn’t gone down any. People were still going hard, fist pumping along to some popular radio song. I stood on my tiptoes to try and find them. “What are we looking for?” Nolan whispered, his breath warm in my ear. I turned to talk to him, and his face was right in mine. My cheek grazed his as I whispered, “A tall blond, a short brunette in a tight black dress, another with black hair in a lacy top.” I looked over the crowd, that description didn’t help at all. All the girls looked like that, but Nolan still stranded his neck to try to look for anyone meeting that description. His height didn’t make a difference; it was impossible to spot them in the crowd.

I carefully placed my hand on his shoulder, as I whispered again, “They were all planning on hooking up, so they could already be busy doing that.”

Nolan mouthed, “Ah.” He shook his head before he wrapped his arms around my waist. “You bored of this party? I could walk you home,” He spoke into my ear once more, sending chills down my back. I shook my head against his cheek. “Sure.”