Breakable Me

“How did it go?” Anthony asked me as I hopped into the car. His welcoming smile alway present.

“It was difficult," I admited. "Sometimes it is the most painful to talk about the times when we were happy. It gets me confused.” Anthony started talking, but just like that I turned off. I only feel comfortable being an open book to those people inside that small room with Joan’s kind eyes always letting me know she is there. “Thank you,” I say even though I interrupt what Anthony is saying. I can’t be here for him right now and listen to his problems, but I will never be able to repay him for all he has done for me. I know my thank you isn’t enough, but it is all I can manage right now.

There is a pause. “You’re welcome,” he says.



I stared at the map in front of me. The buildings all looked the same, stone and beautiful, but identical. I knew I should have walked around campus more before today. Although, I was so caught up in all the events that had unfolded this weekend. I was starting off the year all wrong. Screaming hallmates, pointed fingers and crying only to be redeemed by a few nice text messages and some welcome events hosted by the university. “Please tell me if you know this is Buttrick Hall,” a girl out of breath said from behind me.

I wasn’t sure, but I was glad to see someone else looked more lost than I did. She was sweating, maybe not used to the Tennessee heat in August, and had around ten papers in her hands. “I was looking for that too.” I stare down at my map once more. “I think this is our best bet. I’m looking for English 234, you?”

Her eyes went wide. “Same with Rorgia?”

“Yes!” I exclaimed. I was so happy that I found someone in my first class that I could hug this strange girl.

As we walk toward the building we see that it truly is Buttrick Hall, and we both sigh in relief. “I’m Maggie.” The girl sticks out her hand as we now search for the classroom number.

“Callie Mae,” I say shaking her hand finally getting a chance to see what she looks like. Tall, a little on the heavy side, looks as though she might play a sport, but she has a big smile on her face which is what I’m glad to see.

My first class consist of Dr. Rorgia handing out the syllabus and instructing us that The Great Gatsby and One Hundred Years of Solitude need to become our best friends these first couple of weeks. Dr. Rorgia looks like she has been teaching too long to care anymore, probably the author of several of her own books. She looks like she would rather be reading in a small nook in her personal library than forcing us to read classics. She still wears a scarf even though it is at least 90 degrees outside, and just as I am examining the intricate design, she dismisses class. I look up at the clock and notice it has only been 15 minutes, definitely very different from high school. Everyone is already back on their cell phones, while a couple are resorting back to their maps, maybe hoping to get to their next class on time.

“Great, a hundred pages by next Thursday,” Maggie sighs. “This Chemistry major hates English.”

I smiled and followed Maggie out of the classroom. “Biology with a concentration in neurobiology for me.” I said with pride. I was so glad to finally be able to say that as I was told instead of grabbing dolls as a child that my favorite toy was a model brain.

“Neurobiology? Wow! Well, we should be in a lot of the same basic biology and chemistry classes.”

“Great!” I was so happy that Maggie was so friendly. It seemed like my life had been surrounded by drama my first few days here. I smiled as we walked together. I looked down at my map and saw my biology class was in a block of buildings all labeled SC. This was going to be a challenge.

“Well I guess I’m off to find my next class, BIO 110. Wish me luck,” I joked.

Maggie laughed powerfully. “Same here. See ya on Wednesday.” We parted ways, but I felt good about making a friend. Without coming here with anyone from high school, it was very intimidating not to know any familiar faces. Just one made me feel like this day had already been a success.

My next two classes were uneventful. More of just a syllabus being handed out followed by small talk by the professor. My third professor was a graduate student for Introduction to Psychology, and he looked as though he was still on summer break with his flip flops to match his cargo shorts. He introduced himself before he disappeared, and then my structured part of my day was finished. I didn’t want to return to my dorm, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

I slowly walked back taking in the sites, so many students hustling to their next class while the upperclassmen all stood around and chatted. No one else seemed to be lesuriely talking in the sites like me. I was happy that I got done at two, so I could have some time to myself before Ronnie got back from class at four. She made it so everyday she could sleep in until 10:30. I didn’t see how she got so lucky with her schedule, especially freshman year. I was finally at Murray and walked up the stairs only to find Tory also walking into the dorm. I decided to call her name to get her attention. “Tory,” I shouted as she open the door to Murray.

She quickly turned around and smiled. Her first day of class outfit was an adorable navy sundress and cute yellow flats. “Callie.” She waited for me as we both walked in together. “How did your first day go?” It seemed like we had all just decided to forget Friday’s incident happened.

After we woke up that morning, Ronnie rushed into Tory and Juliette’s room yelling that they shouldn’t have left me alone. Supposedly, they had promised Ronnie that they would find me after she had left with, who I later found out was one of Eric’s friends from high school whom Ronnie only went for after he found an old crush at the party and ditched her. It was all in retailation. One thing Ronnie didn’t like was being defied. They were all drunk though, and I wasn’t mad. I didn’t even tell anyone where I left to, and if I hadn’t, I don’t think I would have met Nolan.

“Well, I didn’t get too lost.” I chuckled, imagining what I must have looked like walking around today: the typical clueless freshman.

“That’s good. I did.” Tory giggled. “I really like all my classes though. I’m just so excited for this semester.” I was glad to hear that one of my other hallmates actually had an interest in school. It was refreshing to learn that Tory was not here just for the boys. We were at our rooms now, and I was excited to have some time to myself without Ronnie. “Maybe we can get dinner later?” Tory asked.

“Sounds great.” I replied with a smile. I unlocked my door and dropped my bookbag on the floor before plopping down in my chair. My feet hurt again from all of the walking. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and didn’t feel like answering it. Then, I thought it might be Nolan, and I quickly pulled it out of my pocket. Sure enough there was a text message with his name on it. I could feel myself smiling even before I opened the message.

Can I stop by? I have something to ask you. I wanted to quickly reply back yes, but I decided to wait a couple of minutes. I loved receiving the text messages these past few days. I had never texted a boy like this before. When I saw the “have a good first day” text message today, I knew there was no way I couldn’t. I had only saw Nolan once more since Friday. We were in the dining hall, and he was sitting with his jerk of a roommate who was eating like a pig, stuffing eggs into his mouth. Our eyes instantly locked as soon as I sat down and saw him. He stared a me for a little while, with his smirk plastered on his face, before he gave me a little wink and turned away to look at his roommate. The next time I looked over there, him and his roommate were gone.

Sure, the room is clear, for now, I texted back. I was more confident in texts than I expected myself to be. I didn’t know if it was just because of Nolan or if maybe I was just more confident now that I didn’t have a past here. Not that my past is shameful or anything, but I like having a blank slate. I am able to shape who I am without anyone remembering an embarrassing moment from 5th grade, or that I didn’t have a date to homecoming junior year or any year for that matter.

I signed and looked at the photo of all my friends from senior prom. They all had dates except my friend, Hailey, but that was because her boyfriend had just broken up with her. One of my guy friends from calculus, Michael, said we could go together as friends until he backed out at the last minute. Sara, the girl he loved since what felt like sixth grade finally noticed how sweet and genuine of a guy he was after she had her go with a handful of losers. I had noticed his caring personality long ago, but I could never tell him how I felt as he was always gushing over Sara. He always said that one day she would notice him after he was always her shoulder to cry on after so many bad breakups. He was right. I was going to use prom as an opportunity to tell him to that I felt that he deserved better. Not necessarily me, but just someone that fully respected him. When I saw how happy she made him, I couldn’t help to be happy for them too. That didn’t stop me from having a disappointing prom, the final acceptance that I didn’t think a boy would ever truly like me.

A knock on my door brought me out of my self pity. I quickly looked at the mirror, and then laughed at my action. When before had I ever cared what I looked like, I quickly walked to the door and opened it a crack, “Hi,” I said with a sweet smile.

“Hi,” Nolan replied as I opened up the door wider so he could step in. “Didn’t get too lost today?”

“No, I got lost.” I giggled as we sat down. It was one of those girly giggles that are only made by middle school girls. I covered my mouth, embarrassed. In a way, I felt like this was another first impression, one where we are both sober.

Nolan seemed to think my reaction was cute. “Sorry your own personal tour guide couldn’t be there today,” Nolan smirked.

I giggled again, a more controlled one this time. “So what did you need to ask me?”

Nolan showed his real smile again as he grabbed my hand, I was once again taken back by his touch. He chuckled, knowing that was always how I reacted to this. “How do you feel about stars?”

I shot him a funny look, as I wasn’t sure that was a serious question. “Umm..they’re pretty.”

“Well I find them fascinating, and I have an open reservation at the Dyer Observation center that is just outside of campus this Friday that I would love for you to fill. Hopefully, I can give you a better appreciation of them.” He saw me hesitating, probably thinking it was because I didn’t want to go on a date with him. However, that wasn’t it at all. My mind could barely process fast enough what he was truly saying. Was this boy, who I found strangely cute, really asking me out on a date? Was this how easy it was in college? “Uhh..,” he stumbled, not expecting this outcome, “How about I throw in dinner too, how about that?”

“Yes!” I squealed.

“Great,” Nolan’s bright blue eyes lit up. I saw his posture instantly relax, maybe he was a little nervous too. That seemed impossible though, the boy with all the answers would never been nervous to ask a girl on a simple date. “You will miss the first big party night though...” I clicked my tongue and gave an ‘oh well’ face. “You will get to see some of Nashville.”

“I’d love that.” I said already knowing my daydreaming would begin the second he left. Maybe this wasn’t a good thing that this was happening so quickly as he got up to leave; I wanted to beg him to stay, but he kept walking out the dorm, while promising to pick me up at 7. The boy with the sharp blue eyes charmed me a little too quickly. Even worse,however, was that he realized his effect just as much as I did.