Breakable Me

We stepped out of the building, away from the rest of the group, who were all still inside the Dyer Observation center circling around the telescope hoping to get a view of Saturn’s many moons just as we had moments ago. Nolan murmured that he wanted to feel closer, so we left and went to the top of a nearby hill. Nolan was still enthralled by the stars as we keep walking. He had barely taken his eyes off of them all night, only to steal a couple of quick glances my way.

It was intriguing to watch him with a look of wonder on his face; it reminded me of how just seeing a picture of the mountains could bring me such happiness, the stars did the same for him. It was rare to see such a passion. I had never met a boy that was this knowledgeable about a subject or had dedicated such time to something he loved that wasn't playing a sport or watching one. “You can see just as many stars out here as you can in Vermont." Nolan clicked his tongue, "It’s a shame, I wish we could see more.” Nolan walked a little further, almost like he said the last statement to himself, before he laid down and put his arms behind his head.

I followed him, not knowing what else I should do. I followed him all night anyway. He was the expert. Promptly picking me up from my dorm room, even though I was embarrassed he would see the many outfits laying across the floor before Ronnie finally came back and helped me decide. She had been on many more dates than I had, with my record being only one in 10th grade. He didn't care about the mess of my room instead I will always remember the smile he had when I opened the door. Then, he knew which bus to get on to take us to a charming Italian place downtown with real Italian waiters and amazing lasagne, saying that this was the place his family often came to when visiting, and this was usually the best part of the visit because no one would talk, too busy stuffing their faces.

And then once we were at the observatory, I felt as though he knew more about the descriptions of the stars and physics of it all than the employee here, whispering extra tidbits into my ear as he placed his hand on the small of my back. “You can always see the stars where I live. Although, I’ve never paid much attention to them.” Honestly, night had always been my least favorite time after I once wandered off into the woods behind my grandparent’s house and came face to face with a raccoon with sharp teeth and glowing eyes. Petrified that it was something worse, I instantly ran back inside screaming my head off, and never wanted to go into the woods at night again. It was a childish memory, but one of those I was never able to shake.

“I’m envious.” Nolan murmured to my response, but he didn’t sound too sincere, so I didn’t bother to respond, letting only the crickets make the noise we needed. Before too long, the people started to flood out of the observatory, but no one paid any attention to us. They were all looking at the stars as well.

I didn’t want to interrupt his focused gaze. He was much different right now than I had ever seen him. Instead of being the cool guy in control, he was lost and wandering. “What makes you love the stars so much?” I just barely whispered as I turned on my side to look at him.

Nolan took a deep sigh, I wasn’t sure if he heard my question. After a few moments he turned to me, and a pure innocent filled his eyes as he seemed to be remembering a former time. “You remind me of the stars.” I gave him a confused look; he had barely paid attention to me since we got outside.

“The second that you stepped out on that porch last weekend; a calm washed over me. I felt like shit being at my brother’s old fraternity, all the brothers making fun of me. You made me feel alright, just like the stars do.” Nolan brushed his hand on my arm before leaving it there. “People have made me feel like shit a lot in my life, but no matter what they were saying or doing, I always knew I could step outside and look up at the stars. They are always there, and they are great listeners.” Nolan paused scooting in closer to me. “I can’t explain it any more than that.”

“I get it,” I barely whispered as I shook my head, and hoped that I truly did understand what he was saying. Hoping that I understood that there wasn’t any deeper meaning behind Nolan’s words, that nothing was a cry for help.

“Good.” Nolan’s smile went all the way to his eyes, and increasingly I regretted saying that I did. Nolan continued to move in closer as his hand wrapped around my waist, his smirk growing by the second. Then, I realized as I looked into his eyes that he had lost all of his innocence as they were now longingly awaiting for my lips to make an action.

My throat instantly closed up, and my lips became tightly sealed. I quickly turned my face away, “What star is that big one?” I quickly deflected. I could hear a frustrated sigh come from Nolan, but he wouldn’t miss an opportunity to talk about the stars. While he spoke, I was mentally hitting myself. Why didn’t I just let him kiss me? How perfect is this moment? Under the stars, at my dream school with a boy who may like me as much as I like him, why didn’t I let it happen? I knew why though. I was afraid. I didn’t know how to kiss, especially since Nolan seems like such an expert with his quick quotes and his sly smirks.

As all of these thoughts were running through my head, Nolan turned my face to look at him once more. “I’d like to look some more at my personal star, if you don’t mind.” Nolan joked.

I giggled nervously before looking away from his eyes. Should I tell him now?

“Mae?” Nolan whispered. This instantly caught my attention as no one ever calls me that except my grandma when she gets really excited, talking about an old movie or some drama at church, and I’m not paying attention. I had never been referred to by that name in such a soft and warm manner. “Why won’t you let me get close to you?” My eyes went wide at his question. This was the moment that I was most afraid of. “Has someone hurt you in the past? Or has--” I had to stop him.

“No, no, no.” I sat up and grabbed my knees. I was embarrassed, but I couldn’t let him think that I was abused or anything. I had to tell him. “It’s not that.” I looked up to the stars hoping they would bring me the same comfort Nolan was talking about. I felt his hand on my lower back, instantly bringing me back to earlier tonight when he was whispering information about his passion. When I could just sit back with blushed cheeks and giggling without really saying a word or opening up.

“You can tell me,” he slowly murmured.

I still couldn’t look at him, not at those piercing blue eyes. “It’s stupid really.” I said shaking my head. I chuckled slightly, thinking of how ridiculous it would sound coming out of my mouth.

“If it is something about you, it couldn’t be stupid.”

I smiled at his words, thinking about how cheesy he just sounded. He wasn’t going to let me get out of this one. I picked at a couple of strands of grass as I blurted out, “I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

Instead of the endless chain of questions that I got from the girls, Nolan just sat in silence for a second. I wasn't sure if he even heard me with how fast I just spoke so I had to be brave enough to look at him. His eyes were sparkling in the night, “Well we will just have to make sure it is extra special then.” His smirk instantly returned, and I finally was able to breathe, as it felt as though I was holding my breath ever since he asked me what was wrong. There couldn’t be a better response.

“I always pictured a sweet southern gentlemen whisking you off your feet and planting a big sloppy one. I guess I’m lucky that never happened.” Even though the playful words were spilling out of his mouth with ease, I could tell a million thoughts were running through his head. You could see it in his eyes; they so easily told everything. I wondered if my eyes did the same.

However, I giggled at the picture Nolan was describing, shaking my thoughts away, as I had dreamt that would happen so many times before myself but now I was glad it hadn't. “No,” I blushed. “Never had a boyfriend.” I might as well get it all out now. “What about you?” I asked, almost afraid of the answer I would receive in return.

“You’re not supposed to discuss ex’s on the first date,” Nolan joked before he continued. “I dated several girls, but only one was really serious. Met her junior year, and it all happened way too quickly for it to end well. Also my parents didn’t approve, naturally, which made me like her more for all the wrong reasons. She was like me though.” I waited for what that meant, and I raised my eyebrow when it seemed like no response was coming. “A little crazy.” Nolan replied before laying back down and looking up. I realized he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, which was fine, I probably shouldn’t have asked anyway.

We laid back down, and I bravely placed my head on his chest. “It makes a lot of sense now though.” Nolan said as he ran his fingers through my wavy hair. I closed my eyes taking in the moment. “But, to me, it makes you even more perfect than I thought you were.” I don’t move at his comment because I’m not really sure what he means, and I don’t want to spoil this moment. I was sure that Nolan was already lost in the stars once more, thinking about the different patterns and names.

I start daydreaming myself, about the mountains around my house, how me and my best friend would take a hike almost every weekend once we could drive to a different mountain top. Each one had a different view that was indescribably beautiful no matter the season. I felt so free at the top of those mountains. The hikes may have been long and hot, but the top was always worth it. I could look as far as my wide eyes but not so perfect vision would allow me and see all of the possibilities ahead of me, mainly thanks to my grandparents. I missed them and the mountains, but I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything in the world.

“Maybe we should head back,” Nolan spoke as I sat up and finally looked at this boy again, his unusual face with jaunted angles, a sharp chin, and an always constant smirk. “I don’t want to make Ronnie think that I kidnapped you.” We both laughed as we knew she would probably be out drunk at a party by now.

“Okay,” I said as I grabbed his hand. Nolan this time was shocked that I made the initiative. “I’ll get used to it,” I joked.

“So how do you feel about the stars now?”

I smiled at his comment. “They have a new meaning.”

“Well at least now you can say you’ve learned something in college other than how to play beer pong and cornhole.”

I laughed again, really feeling my cheeks burning from all the smiling. We reached the empty bus stop, and Nolan put his arm around me. I looked up at him and just like the other night I couldn’t keep my eyes away from his lips. It was just another feature of his face that intrigued me, they were thin but plump at the same time, they didn't make sense. Just like him. However, this time it was Nolan to look away. An empty bus stop with empty beer bottles and a Wendy’s wrapper was not the place. “It will be worth the wait.” Nolan teased.