A Simple Touch

Okay, I can do this. I have to do this. No, I need to do this.

I sighed as I forced myself off my bed and walked towards the shut door. I paused slightly, then opened it like this was any other day. For the last 2 hours I had been arguing with myself over what to do with my recently discovered crush on Jayy. Okay, maybe not so recently discovered…for me at least. About 4 months ago, I realized that I truly did have genuine feelings for him other than as a best friend. I thought maybe my affection was that of brotherly love but when his image managed to slip into my nightly sessions of…um, “stress release”, I knew it was something more.

I thought maybe it was pure coincidence or an accident, I mean after all I did see him just before I went to bed…wearing only a pair of skin-tight boxer-briefs. It was all just a happy accident, never to happen again, but the next night…man, it was even worse. This time it wasn’t just that sweet, sexy-as-hell smile. No, this was a full frontal shot of all the times he’s gone around wearing just enough so as not to be arrested for indecent exposure. As I realized what had popped into my head, I was absolutely shocked to say the least. That didn’t stop me from coming hard over my hand, though.

The next few nights I just went straight to bed, not wanting to tempt my imagination any further. I figured a bit of a rest would get these silly thoughts out of my head. When I did start up again, I began with one of the sexy new pin-up girls from the Playboy I had just received in the mail. All was going well until she began to morph into a certain tall, tan, and tattooed boy I happen to live with. I tried to refocus on anything other than Jayy but that smile. Those eyes. Those full lips that just begged to be kissed. It all kept creeping back into my mind until I spilled over my sheets once again.

I felt so awful about it, I could barely stand to look at him the next day. It didn’t help either that he cuddled into me the entire time we watched TV in the living room. My body was completely on edge when he laid his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arm was around my waist. As I scolded myself for being so uncomfortable with my best friend/ band mate, I realized how badly I wanted to just lean over and kiss him. It was then I knew there was something more having him slip into my fantasies every night.

After making up some lame excuse to leave, I ran back to my room in a panic. As I nearly slammed the door shut, I began screaming in my head wondering what the hell was happening. My brain felt like it was going to explode! I nearly ripped half of my hair out as I clutched it tightly wanting anything to hold onto.

When I finally relaxed, I tried to think about this in the most rational way I could. Jayy is my best friend, practically a brother to me. Jayy is an absolutely wonderful guy with very little, if any flaws. He managed to slip into my nightly jerk-off sessions every time I’ve gone at for the last couple of days. I came with his name on my lips. I want to kiss him. I want to do more than kiss him. I love him- Wait! What the fuck?!?

Where the hell did those last two come from?

Why did I just think that!?! I began freaking out again and all these new emotions began bubbling up to the surface! I like a guy! My best friend no less! My fucking band mate!

Oh, god why did this have to happen? Of course Jayy is a great guy that any man would be lucky to have, but why do I have to want him? I never really thought about it before and now I’m jacking off to him! I must be beyond fucked up in the head.

I waited until I calmed down again and slumped on my side onto my bed. My stuffed penguin was laying beside me and I clutched it tightly as I tried to make sense of everything. For some reason, holding the little guy always seemed to relax me. Whether it’s during a storm and the power goes out, a bad dream wakes me up, or just when I feel a little down. Maybe it’s because its part of a set with the other belonging to Jayy. It just comforted me to know that Jayy did the same thing with his so it’s like we were connected even though they’re only stuffed animals.

I smoothed down the faux fur absent-mindedly and came to terms with the fact that I now like Jayy. I can deal with this. I’m sure worse things can happen besides falling for your best friend who you absolutely zero chance of being with or even returning a fraction of your feelings…right?

Ugh, emotions are so complicated and useless some of the time.

Over the next few weeks, things got a little better. I managed to learn how to hide my desires but every time he touched me, consciously or not, it sent my senses into overdrive. Every brush of his skin on mine, a sweep of his hair against my shoulder as he hugged me, or even a playful poke in the sides to make me laugh-all of it put my nerves on edge and made my skin feel like tiny kittens were running over it.

It wasn’t long until the simplest, most innocent of touches had me aching for more. Once after a stage kiss I nearly begged him to bend me over the amp and do whatever he wished. It was then I knew I had to stop this. Sally also found out about my hidden love on this night.

I had rushed off stage and ran into her on my way out to get some fresh air. My mind was in a frenzy and the straining in my pants begged for immediate release. I sprinted onto the bus and buried myself in my bunk as my pants were roughly shoved past my thighs. I gripped myself tightly and pumped as fast as I could. I didn’t need to tease myself, I was already set to burst with just smallest amount of contact. As I released my pent-up lust, I let out a soft but very audible moan of his name.

When I finished, I heard a small creak outside my bunk’s curtain. My blood ran cold as a soft knock resonated inside the semi-closed off space. I didn’t answer. I knew whoever it was had heard me, knew what I was doing, knew that I had no possible way of explaining this. I just wanted to die of embarrassment.

Though being met with silence, a hand pushed my curtain back. Before I even saw a face, I knew it was Sally. Her hot pink and black nails gave it away quickly. I relaxed a little knowing that she was probably the best one to have caught me. I still felt like a guilty piece of shit though.

I looked up at her sadly, ready to cry if the wrong thing set me off. She sent me a small understanding smile and motioned for me to move over. When she had enough room she sat down beside me not saying a word. I know she wanted me to talk when I was ready but when I tried to form a sentence, I just broke down. Her motherly instincts kicked in as she held me close and rubbed my back.

As my breathing quieted she asked what had happened. Through my still streaming tears I told her everything leading up to this point. I wanted to be as vague as possible while still giving her the whole picture but soon every detail was slipping out. She listened closely and comforted me as best she could.

“It’s not as bad as you think. There are plenty worse who you could have fallen for. Overall Jayy really is a great person to go with. And he’ll understand you better than anyone else ever could.”

I felt a small tug on my heart as she encouraged me to tell him. I will never as long as I live tell him. I don’t think I could make it if he left me. Even if he didn’t, things would get weird or awkward with us. Nothing good would come from sharing my secret with him.

“I won’t Sally. I’m never going to tell him.”

She looked at me absolutely shocked and asked why in the world I wouldn’t.

“Because! I know he’s an amazing person and I want what’s best for him but I know it’s not me. He deserves someone as great as he is. I’m just too far behind for him to even see me.”

She tried to insist that it wasn’t true but I could never believe her. I know where I stand on the scale and Jayy is far above me. He should be with someone who truly deserves him and can give him all he wants. But that’s just not me.

I finally grew exhausted of her constant insistence that we could be together and she soon picked up on that. Before she left to continue assisting the fans, I caught her wrist and made her promise to tell anyone, not Andrew and especially not Jayy. She agreed reluctantly but still pushed the idea that I should tell him myself.

I shook my head sadly and brushed it off. I’ll never be good enough for him. Why even burden him by confiding my growing love to him?

We finished off the tour without any other incident. I forced myself not to allow anything to happen. I can’t risk anyone else finding out. It was bad enough one person knew, but I trust her. I know that when she makes a promise, she’ll never break it.

Which brings me back to our home life. Even though the tour ended, nothing had changed between us. He still kept cuddling into me when we watched TV, hugging me when he left for an errand and occasionally kissing me on the cheek. A few times I had even received a kiss on the lips. Every single time I blushed like a school girl and waited until he left to go relieve the strain in my pants.

After every session, I was left feeling worse and worse. I felt so guilty about doing this right under his nose. He trusts me so much, why was I betraying him like this? The most recent session was the absolute worst by far. I couldn’t stop the gnawing in the pit of my stomach as I finished cleaning up after myself. I had to stop this before it gets any worse.

So today I finally set out to bring an end to this. It’s better in the long run, right? Just going cold-turkey like this? Besides it’s not like it matters at all to him. It’s only me that’s having this problem and now I’m going to fix it before it gets out of hand.

I took a quick breath and made my way to his room up the hall. The door was shut so I figured he must be inside watching TV or on the computer. I knocked softly and closed my eyes waiting for his response, expecting the worse. When he didn’t answer, I figured he must be elsewhere in the house. I checked the living room quickly but only Sally was in there.

It was a bit late in the day but I thought maybe he was in the kitchen eating something. Before I stepped in, I found him with his face to the microwave door. I smiled softly and watched his adorable impatience. When he pulled back I remembered my mission. Sighing quietly and ignoring the queasiness in my stomach, I walked into the kitchen. As he turned around, I chickened out and went straight to the fridge. I feel like such a baby. I can’t even bring myself to talk to my best friend. I really am ashamed of myself right now.

I looked through the nearly empty fridge for anything that I could use as an excuse until I figured out what to say to him. No sooner had I reached for a soda than he wrapped his arms around my waist. I jumped from the sudden contact as little waves of pleasure rode over my skin where ever we touched. I guess it was now or never.

Slowly I turned around in his arms to look up at him. When he saw my discomfort he let out a little questioning noise that nearly made me forget what I was supposed to do. It was so cute when accompanied by his confused expression. I glanced down, knowing this would be the only way I could get out what I needed to say. If I looked at him, I would never be able to go through with it.

My cheeks felt like they were burning as I stuttered out, “H-hey Jayy?”

“Yeah?” he asked.

“C-can I ask you to d-do something?” I said quietly.

“Of course! What is it?” Oh, man this is so hard. I don’t think I can go through with this.

I swallowed hard and struggled to get out “C-could you please stop touching me?”

I kept my eyes to the floor. If I look up, I’ll just back out and say it was merely a joke. But I need to do this. I can’t let this go on any more.

Sounding in pure shock he asked me “W-Why?”

"I-It's just…" I began, finally looking back at him. When I saw his disbelieving expression, I felt my heart clench tightly in my chest. This is so difficult for me. I don’t want to do it but I have to. For both of us.

"I don't know," I told him, feeling absolutely lost and brokenhearted "I'd just prefer if you'd stop touching me. On-stage for the fans is fine but when we're off…please just don't do anything more than a hug every now and then…”

“Please…" I begged him.

Silence ensued between us. His lower lip quivered just slightly. My chest constricted even more as I looked him trying his damnedest to keep a straight face. Why was he so affected by this? It’s not like this means too much to him. Maybe he feels like he has upset me in someway to cause this?

I couldn’t figure out what to do or say next. I wanted to leave but at the same time I wanted to stay there with him, no matter how much it hurts. To help ease the tension I asked if there were any leftovers from last night when I made everyone dinner. Sadly, he replied he was heating up the last of it.

I let out a soft “Oh” and took interest in floor pattern once more.

The timer on the microwave continued counting down, filling up what felt like a gap between us. Suddenly he rushed out the kitchen just as the timer buzzed. I called out to him but he said I could have it, sounding like he was already halfway down the hall. His voice wavered and sounded like he was close to crying.

I followed after him, wondering just how much I hurt him by asking him not to touch me. By the time I made it to his door, he was already inside sobbing loudly. My heart fell to the floor as I heard everything seep under the fake wooden door. When I leant down and pressed my ear closer I heard a soft thump resonate against the true wooden frame. I jumped back thinking I was caught and that was his way of telling me to leave, but I still stayed in place on the ground.

I moved forward to replace my ear again and strained to hear inside. As he began whimpering quietly, I felt two streams of tears running down my face. This must have meant more to him than I thought. It sounded like he was losing more and more of his heart whenever a small gasping cry fell past his lips. I rubbed away what I could of the tears, but soon more replaced them until I was crying just as much as he must have been.

I bit my lip to be quiet as I heard longer and longer pauses between each gasp of air. He must be falling asleep. It wasn’t surprising after such a long cry. When I could no longer hear him, I forced myself back up to retreat into my own room. Just as I got to the door Sally caught me. She asked what had happened in those last few minutes.

Breaking down I told her everything that I had said and heard. “I just broke Jayy’s heart! What am I supposed to do? The only man I ever cared about is now lying broken on his bed and it’s all because of me! I’m such a piece of shit. I didn’t even think about how he felt, I only did what I thought was right for me. And now I’m never going to get him back!”

Before she could respond, I ran into my room to hide in shame. I didn’t bother to turn on the lights, I just collapsed onto my bed falling into a fetal position holding that sweet little stuffed penguin. It only made me feel worse though. All it did was remind me of Jayy and what I did to him. I cried even harder as I replayed every sob I heard through the door. I couldn’t help myself, it just kept coming…but I deserve it. I deserve to feel like the piece of shit that I am.

After a couple minutes, I began to quiet myself down. I tried to look at the penguin again but it just made me picture Jayy crying. I tossed it over the side of my bed. I can’t stand to look at it right now.

As I settled back down in my curled up position to continue crying my eyes out, I heard a soft knock on the door. I ignored whoever it was, hoping they’d go away. I don’t want anyone to see me so beaten and broken.

My hopes went unanswered as I heard the soft creaking of the door slowly opening. My body shook as I knew someone was seeing me so vulnerable and crying like a little 5 year-old. I looked up to yell at them to leave but when I saw it was Jayy, I quickly moved to cover my head. I don’t want him to see how much pain I was in. It’d just make him feel sorry for me and that is far from what I deserve.

Sniffling to cover up my tears, I asked him to go away. I hated how I sounded so defeated but that was really how I felt. I made such an awful mistake and now I have no way of fixing it.

When he whispered out a soft “no” I clutched myself even tighter. A new stream of tears began working their way down my face as I asked him sullenly what he wanted.

To my surprise all he said was that he wanted to make me feel better. Incredulously I asked him why. I know he’s always so caring, it’s almost a fault of his, but why help me after everything I just did? It just didn’t make sense. His answer though did shed some light.

“Because you're my best friend…” was his reason. How could he still think of me as his best friend when I hurt him so much?

“B-b-but…I-I broke your heart!” I stammered out as I turned my face up to look at him in pure disbelieving shock, “Why would you still want to help me? Why do you even care about me?"

He leant closer and said in the most assured voice, "Dahvie, you're my best friend! I love you with all my heart! Sure you hurt me, but why would I want to see you in pain?"

I couldn’t answer that. I can’t believe he still cares about me. Everything he just said called more tears to my eyes. When I didn’t reply back, save for some soft sniffling, he asked me gently, "Why do you think you broke my heart?"

I didn’t respond but he still tried again, “Well?”

Sitting back up, I told him “Because I heard you crying! I followed you back to your room and I heard every last sob and whimper and it tore me up inside! I'm sorry I hurt you! I didn't mean to. I was only thinking of what was best for me but I know I should've had your best interests in mind but I'm just so goddamn selfish!" I began screaming out, letting him know just how awful I felt. I couldn’t control my own voice, but it said everything I truly felt right now.

"I only thought of what I wanted and I hated that.” I continued on, “I know I broke your heart so don't even bother telling me any different!"

Everything I held back up to this point came bursting out in a flow of self-loathing disgust. I began crying loudly once more but this time in front of him. I just can’t hold anything else inside anymore. As I let it all come out, Jayy moved to hug me. When his fingers touched me skin, I twitched feeling that familiar jolt of desire that I craved so much.

He moved back, probably thinking of what I said before but instead I buried myself in his arms. I just need him so much right now. I know this is probably confusing the hell out of him, but I just…I have to touch him again.

When his apparent shock wore off, he pulled me closer to his chest. I cried just a bit louder into his shirt now that he returned the gesture. Carefully he laid us back down on the bed and told me to just let it out.

I think I went on for a good 10 minutes before I finally stopped. His hand rubbing circles into my back helped to calm me down. As the last gasp for air stilled I felt him begin to pull back. I clung tight to his chest, refusing to let go. I couldn’t lose him again.

"What about what you asked earlier?" he asked, sounding surprised

Singular tears fell from my eyes as I told him "Fuck what I said before! It was a mistake! A stupid, stupid mistake! I need your touch. I thought that's what was driving me crazy but I was wrong. It's the only thing that keeps me sane." His thumb brushed away the small drops as I finally confided in him my secret. Well, part of it at least.

When I finished my confessional, he held me closer and whispered "Aw, Dahvie. I know how you feel. When you asked me not to hug you anymore, it felt like I lost a piece of myself. I don't ever want to lose you like that. It'd kill me if I did."

We laid together, holding each other like there was nothing else in the world. He broke the silence just slightly as he leaned over to kiss my forehead. I blushed lightly at his sweet, comforting act.

As I looked up to him, I thought that just maybe I could get away with something more. Hesitantly I leaned forward and place my lips over his, touching ever so slightly. I wanted to give him enough room to pull back if he wanted to. Even if he did reject me at least I know I tried and I got one last kiss.

When he did push his lips further against mine, I was shocked to say the least. I never thought he actually would like me like that. My eyes shut as I swiped my tongue lightly against the seam of his lips, begging for access. When he opened up and met my own, I moaned happily into the ensuing battle for dominance. Finally feeling his touch the way I’ve always wanted had me growing in my pants, aching for more.

When air became a required necessity, I pulled off reluctantly, pulling at his lip ring before I left. His moved slightly over top of me and looked down with the same lustful gazed I’ve always imagined he’d have. I knew my cheeks were a fiery red and I was panting like a fish for air, but he didn’t seem to care.

His hand traced its way down to my tented pants and cupped me lightly but firmly. Even though two layers of cloth separated our skin, I still arched up at the touch. I’ve waited so long to have this happen and now that it was, I could barely control myself.

He slipped his hand past the elastic at the top and when I finally felt his raw touch, I nearly lost it right then. He pulled my already leaking erection out and I gasped at the sudden change in temperature and restraint.

My fingers wrapped themselves in his shirt and held tight for all that I had.

"Please Jayy," I begged him, "touch me. I need it so bad." I really did.

He began pumping as he whispered out "Of course, Dahvie. I'll never stop."

I moaned softly and pulled him ever closer. As he sped up his hand to drive me even closer to the edge, more needy moans erupted from my throat. I was so close and he only just begun.

I wanted to return the favor so I brought him nearly on top of me until I could shove a hand past his own tight pants. His encouraging groan told me just how much he needed this too. Through broken gasps I told him I was so close to release.

His hand moved even faster to get me there and I did the same for him. He leant down to kiss me again, completing one of the many fantasies I’ve had about us. I screamed his name as I came over his hand and he followed suit nearly immediately after.

As our orgasmic haze receded, I brought my hand up to my lips. He watched wide-eyed as I licked away every last bit of his cum I could find. He withdrew his hand as well and tasted mine. I think I saw a small smile go across his face before he cuddled back into me.

I held him close to me, never feeling more complete than I was right now. He really was my missing piece.

"Never let me push you away again" I told him softly. I never want to hurt him again.

"Deal. I will never let you go." He replied.

I felt a warm feeling pool in heart as I looked up and asked him softly, "Promise?" I wanted to know this was true and not just a dream.

He pulled me closer to his chest and whispered "Promise."