The Great Big Book of Everything
Ranting about everything sucky in my life ((All-Star))
I'm about to rant and complain, if you don't want to read feel free to click away, I don't mind I just need to get this out....
1. My parents irritate the hell out of me for no reason at all, they want too much from me, I feel like a freaking octopus being pulled in 8 different directions with them. They want me to get straight A grades, do extra-curricular activities and stay on top of all my chores at the house but when I started Volleyball and Debate they complain that I'm never home because I leave for school at 6:30 in the morning and get home at 6:30 in the evening, and on Saturdays I have to get up and be at school at 6:30 a.m for tournaments and dont get home until around 6 pm, then my grades start to fall because I hardly have time to do homework and they complain when I bring home B's but when I actually try to do my homework they constantly interrupt telling me to clean something or another or go do something they are perfectly capable of doing themselves UGHHHHHH I wish they would just leave me alone, I'm trying my best to make them proud but they make it so damn hard to accomplish anything!!!!!! and even when I do, they overlook it and move onto stuff I haven't done....I can't win with these people... I just wish I could for once make them proud but at the same time, I don't really give a fuck what they think because I am proud of me....
2. On a more depressing note, I'm still struggling with my own internal issues and demons within myself that i've been battling with for 2 years now. I have been fighting depression, low self-esteem and the need to self harm since I was 13, I don't know how it started or exactly when my thoughts shifted to the more sad side of things but they did, and now I'm stuck here with no way out. I have no true reason for why things are the way they are for me I guess, people tell me I'm pretty but I honestly don't see it, besides that though, I can't help but wish I was something more than pretty, I can't help but wish that somebody saw me as beautiful...But I myself know that being beautiful means in and out and quite frankly I'm just as ugly on the outside as I am on the inside, maybe even moreso.
I don't have it in me to be a cutter, I just can't, not because I don't want to but because after a mental breakdown this past summer, my parents already think I'm crazy and I don't want them to send me away or something, so I found a solution, I always wear at least 20 rubber bands on my right arm and whenever the urge comes along, I snap one on my wrist, yes it creates welts and turns red for a while but they always fade quickly without leaving any noticeable scars while still having the needed affect
I have this other issue I feel the need to talk (or write in this case) about, I have this undying desire to have a boyfriend, and I know you're probably thinking that it's like any other teenage girl out there but it goes beyond that to the point where I've literally stooped so low as to try and convince myself that i liked a guy and that he liked me when I knew he didn't just so I could go out with him for a week and pretend, even just for that short period of time, that I was special, that somebody really liked me, that I was loved, that maybe just maybe I could be happy....And then he broke up with me after a week and left me wondering "What the hell am I doing with my life?"
This does hereby end the rant on my crappy life....
1. My parents irritate the hell out of me for no reason at all, they want too much from me, I feel like a freaking octopus being pulled in 8 different directions with them. They want me to get straight A grades, do extra-curricular activities and stay on top of all my chores at the house but when I started Volleyball and Debate they complain that I'm never home because I leave for school at 6:30 in the morning and get home at 6:30 in the evening, and on Saturdays I have to get up and be at school at 6:30 a.m for tournaments and dont get home until around 6 pm, then my grades start to fall because I hardly have time to do homework and they complain when I bring home B's but when I actually try to do my homework they constantly interrupt telling me to clean something or another or go do something they are perfectly capable of doing themselves UGHHHHHH I wish they would just leave me alone, I'm trying my best to make them proud but they make it so damn hard to accomplish anything!!!!!! and even when I do, they overlook it and move onto stuff I haven't done....I can't win with these people... I just wish I could for once make them proud but at the same time, I don't really give a fuck what they think because I am proud of me....
2. On a more depressing note, I'm still struggling with my own internal issues and demons within myself that i've been battling with for 2 years now. I have been fighting depression, low self-esteem and the need to self harm since I was 13, I don't know how it started or exactly when my thoughts shifted to the more sad side of things but they did, and now I'm stuck here with no way out. I have no true reason for why things are the way they are for me I guess, people tell me I'm pretty but I honestly don't see it, besides that though, I can't help but wish I was something more than pretty, I can't help but wish that somebody saw me as beautiful...But I myself know that being beautiful means in and out and quite frankly I'm just as ugly on the outside as I am on the inside, maybe even moreso.
I don't have it in me to be a cutter, I just can't, not because I don't want to but because after a mental breakdown this past summer, my parents already think I'm crazy and I don't want them to send me away or something, so I found a solution, I always wear at least 20 rubber bands on my right arm and whenever the urge comes along, I snap one on my wrist, yes it creates welts and turns red for a while but they always fade quickly without leaving any noticeable scars while still having the needed affect
I have this other issue I feel the need to talk (or write in this case) about, I have this undying desire to have a boyfriend, and I know you're probably thinking that it's like any other teenage girl out there but it goes beyond that to the point where I've literally stooped so low as to try and convince myself that i liked a guy and that he liked me when I knew he didn't just so I could go out with him for a week and pretend, even just for that short period of time, that I was special, that somebody really liked me, that I was loved, that maybe just maybe I could be happy....And then he broke up with me after a week and left me wondering "What the hell am I doing with my life?"
This does hereby end the rant on my crappy life....