Heart Vacancy

"I'm coming!" I yelled as I locked the front door of my house. The guys sat in the van honking for me to hurry. I made sure I had no traces of tears in my cheeks. The guys would be all over my case if they noticed I had been crying. I was glad that I was out of my house and away from my parents. They had a nice way of making me feel useless and unwanted.

The day had come for us to leave to California. I had packed as much as I possibly could. We were going to spend the whole summer in an apartment offered to us by the record label as the guys worked on the new album. It was still dark out since it wasn’t even six in the morning. I was going to be stuck with my best friend through this whole summer.

"Geez, Logan. What took you so long?" John asked from the driver's seat as I climbed into the van.

"The fact that I was making sure I had everything I needed." I lied, taking a seat in the middle bench between Garrett and Kennedy. Pat snored loudly from behind us as his body was stretched out in the seat and Jared sat in the passenger seat flipping through CDs. I could also hear Tim snoring all the way in the back of the van.

Garrett’s arm wrapped around my shoulders and he pulled me closer to him before whispering, “What the fuck did they say now?”

“They just mentioned how much of a disappointing daughter I am for wasting my time on the road instead of sticking my nose in books.” I shrugged. Garrett’s eyes softened and he pulled me closer, if that was anymore possible.

“Forget about them, okay?” He smiled. "This is going to be an unforgettable summer."

"I know. I'm sorry." I sighed, resting my head on Garrett's shoulder.

"I'm glad you're coming with us." He whispered, kissing my head. This was normal between us. We had a comfortable closeness, but just as best friends.

After six hours of being cramped into a van with six boys, we finally made it to the apartments that the record label was providing for us. I climbed out into the warm California sun and stretched. We grabbed our stuff and headed upstairs to start unpacking and settling in. Garrett and I were sharing a room while John and Jared shared one, Kennedy and Pat another and Tim was sleeping in the couch. I told him to share rooms with Garrett since I was just an extra on the trip.

"You are not an extra, Lo." Garrett shook his head.

"You're part of this crazy messed up group." Kennedy added.

"Besides, if you weren't here, who would I hug when I'm sad?" Pat pouted, hugging me. "These guys won't give me hugs."

"Because we're not gay." John rolled his eyes.

"Who asked you? Garrett's my lover." Pat stuck out his tongue at John.

"Oh, hell no!" Garrett backed away into our room, pulling me along before closing the door behind him.

"Rat Boy won’t be happy," I pointed out. Garrett shrugged and I laughed. We unpacked and settled our things around the room. "So, what are the plans for today?"

"Grocery shopping and board walk." Garrett answered. They weren't heading into the studio until the next morning, so we had the day off.

I let my body fall into one of the twin beds, with a sigh. Garrett creeped into my bed and wrapped his arm around my waist.

"What are you doing? This is my bed." I groaned with a laugh.

"What? I can't cuddle with my best friend?" He pouted, kissing the tip of my nose. I giggled. "I really am glad that you're here, Lo."

"I'm glad to be here, GBear." I smiled.

After buying a bunch of groceries, and sticking the full shopping cart of food into the back of the van, we dropped it off in the apartment and walked down the board walk of the beach.

"So what's going down at the studio tomorrow?" I asked Garrett.

"Just preplanning before the reco-"

"Chicks alert." John cut Garrett off. I followed John's gaze to three girls sitting in the booth of a bar. Kennedy, Pat, Garrett, and John ran over to them.

Garrett was just the biggest flirt – thinking with his dick. I understood he didn't have feelings for me, but it still hurt. He had never ended a conversation with me that way.

"You need to tell him." Jared said.

"I can't." I sighed.

"Why not?" He asked. Jared was always looking out for me. He was he only one that knew my feelings for Garrett. He always advised me to come clean to Garrett, but I never had the nerve.

"Because it would ruin our friendship and I don't want to lose him," I answered, feeling my eyes sting. "Besides, he's happy with other girls."

“He told you he loved you,” He sighed. “And not just as his best friend.”

“That was ten years ago.” I answered, pulling at the hem of my dress.

“I love you, Lo.” He whispered as we lay in the grass and watched the clouds.

“Come on, Gare. We’re eight. We don’t know what love is.” I said, taking a sip of my juice box.

“Fine, then we’ll see in ten years.” Garrett defended.

“How do you know I won’t hate you in ten years?” I asked, sitting up.

“Because you’re my best friend and I know so. I never want to lose you.” He smiled, his blue eyes shining.

“Baby Nicko, I have turned you into a confident man.” I said proudly and he gave me a gentle shove on the shoulder.

“Feelings change. We were young and stupid.” I sighed at the memory.

"Come on, I'll walk back with you," He said, knowing I was in the verge of tears, and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "I understand you're afraid to lose this amazing friendship that you have with Garrett, but you're hurting yourself like this." He spoke once we made it to the apartment after our silent walk as tears escaped my eyes.

"I'm fine." I assured him.

"You're not, Lo. You're breaking down little by little. You're a beautiful, smart, funny, strong, kind, talented girl that anyone would give up anything for. If Garrett doesn't see that, then he's a fucking idiot."

"Thank you, Jare." I smiled, wrapping my arms around him.

"I'm just looking out for you." He sighed, wrapping his arms around me as well.

"And thank you for staying with me tonight."

"It was my pleasure," He smiled with a yawn. "If you need anything, don't hesitate on waking me up."

Usually when I went out with the guys and there was drinking involved, one of them would stay with me for the night, sober. They said they were watching out for me, but I called it "babysitting". I was eighteen; I could take care of myself. Even though the guys weren’t old enough to drink, that didn’t mean they didn’t sneak around. Garrett stayed with me many nights. When girls were involved for the night, he would run off and someone else took his spot next to me. Some nights, Garrett would score. The next mornings at bad practice, I would suffer the torture of him explaining his previous night. How great or bad the girl was in bed. Jared would give me pitiful looks, but I would just smile, reassuring him I was okay.

I headed into mine and Garrett's room and changed into my pj shorts and an old ACDC T-shirt. In the bathroom, I stared at myself in the mirror after washing my face. Now that I had washed my make up off, the bags under my eyes showered. I frowned. I hadn’t been able to sleep in a while and it was getting to me. My parents’ words repeated in my head as I lay awake every night and they kept me awake.

“Logan Lawson Adams!” I flinched at my father’s tone. “Downstairs, now!”

I sighed and headed downstairs. My dad stood in the kitchen, staring down at some papers in the counter. Mom was probably still working, and I hated being home alone with dad.

“Y-yeah, dad?” I asked, my mouth dry.

“What is this?” He yelled, making me wince, and he lifted my acceptance letter to Arizona State University.

“I got accepted to ASU.” I cracked a smile, but his face didn’t soften. He made his way over to me and his hand crashed against my cheek. I gasped and held my cheek.

“What did we say about ASU?”

“That it was a setback.” I whispered.

“So where’s the Stanford acceptance?” He yelled, shoving me against the wall. My back of my head hit the wall and I whimpered.

“I haven’t gotten a reply yet,” I sobbed. “I applied to every college that I could.”

“Get out of my house.” He rolled his eyes, shoving me towards the door.

I ran half a mile with tears blurring my sight. I knocked on the first floor window as hard as I could. I could almost hear his groan as he got out of bed. The dark blue curtains were drawn back and his tired eyes stared into mine. Realization hit him and he opened the window as fast as he could. His arms wrapped around me and he pulled me into his room. I sobbed into his chest as he stroke my hair. We fell back onto his bed as he whispered sweet nothings into my ear. Once I started to calm, his lips trailed against my cheeks and lips.

“Just one more month and you can leave. They won’t be able to control you once you’re eighteen.” He whispered.

“But where will I go?” I asked, twirling a piece of his hair on my finger.

“My parents are happy with you living with us and you’ll make money touring with me and the guys.” He answered

The only part about that memory which made me feel better was Garrett’s words. That wasn’t enough, though. I opened the drawer of the sink and the gleam caught my eye. I grabbed the blade of the razor and slid down against the wall. My vision blurred as tears burned down my cheeks. I pressed the razor into my left wrist and flinched. Blood trickled down onto the floor and I grabbed some toilet paper to clean up the blood.

I wasn’t one to self-harm much, but sometimes, it was all too overwhelming. It was worst when Garrett wasn’t there, supporting the broken pieces in my life.

I heard the front door open and I jumped. I made sure there weren’t any trails of what I had been up to before climbing into bed. I plugged in my iPod to the iHome I had brought with me and lowered the soft melodies of Death Cab For Cutie. I felt myself dose off after a few minutes.

"Scoot over, Lo." Garrett whispered.

"No, go sleep in your bed." I groaned sourly.

"Please, Logan." He begged. I sighed and scoot over, knowing he wouldn't allow me to sleep until I moved. He climbed into my bed and wrapped his arm around my waist. I had my back to him and glanced at the clock, noticing it was four in the morning.

"Did you and the guys just get back?" I whispered.

"Yeah, sorry." He answered.

"It's fine." I sighed.

"What's wrong? You only listen to Death Cab to sleep when something's bothering you."

"Nothing, I'm okay. I was just in a Death Cab mood." I lied.

"Come on, Lo. You can't lie to me." He whispered.

"Why do you know me so well, Nickelsen?" I giggled.

"Because I'm your best friend," I could hear the grin in his voice. "Now tell me."

"But GBear, I'm so tired." I whispered, finally turning to face him. His warm breath blew against my face, and it smelled of booze. "Are you drunk?"

"Don't change the subject." He said. I don’t know how they managed to get booze since we were all underage, but age didn’t stop them.

"Can we talk about it tomorrow? I'm tired." I pouted.

"Fine." He chuckled, kissing my forehead. Perfect. He was probably too drunk to remember the next morning. And if he did remember, then this gave me enough time to think of a lie. I would probably hunt down Jared in the morning while everyone fought against hangovers to wake up, and beg him to help me. For now, though, I was perfectly happy wrapped around the arms of my best friend who I was in love with. These were the times that my life seemed to be at its best and happiest.