Know Your Enemy
Know Your Enemy
“You’re disgusting.” I said flushing the toilet and sighing.
Grabbing the mouthwash I heard the guys laughing. Why couldn’t I be like them? I wondered, trying to shake the guilt that was tearing at my insides.
Some days would go on and not have a problem. No depressing thoughts, no need to throw up what I had just ate. Then other days, like this, I needed to feel like I was in control. I needed to feel like I could make myself do whatever I pleased. And those were the days that the depressing thoughts came, the days where I felt so guilty about what I did to myself, and my band mates. Not to mention how bad me needing to feel in control made me feel about the hurt it caused my boyfriend. The control I needed consumed me though. I, Andy Biersack, needed to feel in control.
I wiped my mouth one more time and walked out of the bathroom planning on going to my bunk and staying by myself. Opening the door I heard the guys laugh and CC start talking. I tried to rush past the door to where the guys were but Ashley saw me. “Hey babe!” he called out patting the seat on the couch next to him.
I sighed and sat down next to him knowing if I just kept walking he wouldn’t leave me alone. I didn’t want Ashley to feel bad about what was going through my head. It brought him more pain than he let me know, I could tell.
“Hi Ash.” I said not really focusing.
He looked at me weirdly. “Is there something you need to tell me Andy?”
“No.”
“I can tell there is,” he started, and I opened my mouth to argue but he covered it with his hand. “But I’m not going to bother you about it.”
I smiled at him, a real smile I might add. “Thank you, Ash.”
He wrapped his arm around me and CC suddenly jumped up from where he was sitting. “I’m hungry.”
“CC you’re always hungry.” Jake pointed out making CC pout.
“So what? I’m going to ask when we are pulling over.” He said putting his head up high and walking toward the driver.
Ashley kissed the top of my head and I closed my eyes, feeling a sort of happiness rush over me. But that, of course didn’t last long.
He only loves you for your body. If you put any more weight on your fat ass he’s going to dump you. My annoying depressed conscience reminded me.
I buried my head into Ashley’s shoulder ad felt him hug me tighter. I could deal with my voice telling me I was fat, I couldn’t sing, I was ugly, anything but as soon as it brought Ash into the equation I knew I wasn’t going to be happy for awhile. At least I knew Ashley wouldn’t complain about my varying emotions. He had definitely become better with them since we began dating.
“Come on baby, tell me what’s wrong. Please.” He begged but I just shook my head.
Ashley wrapped both arms around me and pulled me into his lap. Tears had started falling from my eyes and I hated myself for it.
“Come on, let’s go to the bunks.” He said even though around us the guys were back to laughing.
Once we were both sitting in Ashley’s bunk he asked what was wrong again.
“I’m just tired Ash.”
“Bull, I know when you’re tired and when you’re depressed. What did you think this time?”
Damn I wish he didn’t know me as well as he did.
“Exact thought?” I mumbled, hearing it in my head again.
“Only if you remember it sweetie.”
“I-I thought ‘he only loves you for your body. If you p-put any more weight on your fat ass he going to dump you.’”
I didn’t want to say it. I knew if I looked at him he would look hurt, I hated doing that to him.
“Andy, do you seriously think that?” he asked, his voice oozing sadness and hurt.
“No, it’s just, I don’t know Ash.”
“I know baby.” He said and just hugged me.
CC burst into the bunkroom just as I was reaching a sort of happiness again. Does everyone want to ruin my mood today?
“Hey lovebirds!” he shouted.
“What CC?” Ashley replied, he still sounded a little hurt but I didn’t think CC would really notice.
“Guess where we are going?” he said ripping the curtain back. Good thing we hadn’t been naked.
Both Ashley and I groaned. We knew very well where we were going.
“Really? Do we have to go to McDonalds again?” I whined. He made us eat there at least once a day, and that’s how I knew I was going to get fat.
“Yes we do Andrew.”
“Hey, only I get to call him that!” Ashley growled, and even that didn’t faze CC.
“Oh of course Ashley.” He said looking innocent, I knew there was something bad coming though. “Oh Andrew!” he moaned loudly making Ashley and I blush deeply.
“I don’t do that!” Ashley yelled, although he did he just didn’t want CC to know that or use it against him.
“Oh yes you do, well mainly when you guys are in the shower but hey I don’t judge.” He said with a laugh.
“Oh come on CC we aren’t that loud.” I said rolling my eyes, not noticing how much trouble I put myself into with that one.
“Oh, well he isn’t, but we all know you’ve got quite the lungs on you Andy.”
He wouldn’t, I thought as my eyes widened with realization.
“Ashley! Harder Ash harder! Oh my God right there Ashley there!” he moaned attempting not to laugh.
I hoped that would be the end but I knew CC so I knew he saved the worse for last.
“Do me too Ashley!” and with that one he fell to the floor in fits of laughter.
Ashley pulled the curtain back so CC wouldn’t be able to see us blush, well he wouldn’t when he was able to stop laughing.
After a few minutes for us to calm down Ashley looked at me, a serious expression on his face.
“We are going to McDonalds Andy.”
“I know Ash.”
“You’re going to eat right Andy?”
“Yes Ash.”
“And when we get back on the bus you aren’t going to flush what you eat down the toilet?”
“No Ash.”
“Don’t lie to me Andy.”
“I’m not lying to you Ashley.”
“I really hope you aren’t. I don’t want you to leave me before you need to.” The expression that crossed Ashley’s face at that moment made me want to cry. I didn’t want to leave him either.
“I know ash.”
“Come on lets go eat then.”
We climbed off the bus with the others and headed into the fast food place. Why did this place have to be CCs favorite place to eat? Why couldn’t he like Subway? Not that the food would stay down any better but at least then it would be a little healthier.
After ordering our food we all sat down to begin eating. By Ashley’s request I had gotten food, not much but food all the same. I got a five piece chicken nugget with fries and a drink, Ashley, Jake, and Jinxx all got Big Macs with fries and drinks, Jon got a chicken sandwich with fries and a drink, and CC got a ten piece chicken nugget, a Big Mac, fries, a milkshake, and some kind of wrap.
“Damn CC, how can you eat all that?” Ashley asked as CC was halfway through his meal and the rest of us had only barely started eating ours. I think we all shared the same question as Ashley.
Once we had all finished eating I began to feel sick. Seriously sick, not the ‘oh this gives me a reason to make myself throw up’ sick the actual ‘I think I’m about to faint’ sick. But then when I thought about it I felt like that every time I ate, must be since I don’t eat much I’m not used to it.
We all climbed onto the bus and the guys went to the back to play whatever videogame, and I headed to the bunks. I love Ashley with all my heart but I really needed to be aloe for awhile. Not that anyone would notice I was gone.
As soon as my head hit the pillow I fell into a peaceful, happy, sleep. When I woke up, I wasn’t as peaceful and happy though. The sick feeling had faded but now I felt bloated and had a nasty taste in my mouth.
Only planning to wash my mouth out, I was going to keep that promise to Ashley; I passed the door to the back on the bus looking in. The only thing on my friends’ minds was the videogame. How much I wanted to be more like CC sometimes scared me.
I didn’t think anyone had seen my so I kept walking to the bathroom. I didn’t bother closing the door since all I was going to do was brush my teeth. I didn’t feel I needed the door closed. But I sure wished I had closed it.
“Ash your boyfriend just went into the bathroom. You know what that means.” I heard Jake tell Ashley over the noise of their game. Wait the guys knew? I thought only Ashley had known. Did that mean they had known before Ashley and I got together and none of them wanted to help me? What great friends I have.
“What? He told me he wasn’t going to do that this time!” Ashley yelled the disappointment evident in his voice.
I ran out of the bathroom and into the back room where everyone else was. Ashley was standing up looking like he had been about to rush into the bathroom to stop me from what I hadn’t been doing.
“I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth! Can I not go to the bathroom for something innocent like that?” I yelled at them, making my presence know.
“Andy, I just worry about you.” Ashley said looking horror stricken.
“I know Ashley, but I told you earlier I would keep the food down and I wanted to keep that promise but obviously you don’t trust me! And you guys,” I said turning to the others. “Did you know about my problem before Ashley and I got together?”
Jake, Jinxx, and CC wouldn’t meet my eye; I took that as a yes.
“And none of you felt like maybe you should, I don’t know, help me?”
Jake looked up and looked like he wasn’t going to sit and be yelled at. Bring it on Mr. Pitts.
“No offense Andy but none of us wanted to deal with you. You’re worse than a girl on her monthly and ten add your whole food problem, well we just didn’t want to deal with it.”
My mouth dropped. These were my friends, my family, they were supposed to want to help me even in I was annoying.
Tears had started falling down my face and Jon walked in. “Alright guys, we are at the place we are staying at for the night. Go to bed, go get drunk, wander around town, I really don’t care just don’t get lost.”
Those words were exactly what I had needed to hear.
Without looking back or worrying about anything I ran off the bus and kept running until I couldn’t run anymore. I didn’t want to be anywhere near any of them. How could they know what I was going through and not want to help me? I know I change emotions a lot, I know I act as bitchy as a woman on her period but they’re my friends! They should care about that.
By this time tears were streaming down my face and I didn’t care anymore. All I wanted to do was go back to our bus and run into Ashley’s arms. But I couldn’t do that, my pride was too important. I know he worries about me but I told him I’d keep the food in my stomach and he didn’t trust me enough to hold me to my word.
I pulled out my pack of cigarette sand lit one as I sat down on the side of some small town store. The more drags I took the more I swear I could hear Ashley yelling my name. But that couldn’t be right; I had lost him when I ran off. I didn’t even think he had come after me, so somehow I must be going crazy.
“Andy? Andy where are you?” I heard and I ignored it. I must be hearing things, I reasoned.
I threw the butt of my cigarette and pulled out another one. If I was seriously becoming insane from these things should I really light this? I wondered, staring at the unlit cigarette in my hand.
I looked up a little higher than my cigarette and saw a figure clad in leather and studs; Ashley.
So I wasn’t going insane, I thought as I tried thinking of a way to escape. It isn’t good when you start wanting to escape your boyfriend is it? Hm well I don’t care; I guess I could try to run for it. I didn’t really think it would work but it was worth a shot.
I stood up and looked to where Ashley was.
“Andy?” he called out, obviously he hadn’t seen me yet.
I started to walk away, becoming part of the crows. Or at least I was trying too; my outfit didn’t really make that easy.
I had only taken a few steps when I heard from behind me, “Andy? Andy wait up!”
I rolled my eyes and stopped. He had seen me so there was no reason to keep running away. I couldn’t get even an hour alone could I?
“What do you want Ashley?” I asked when I felt his fingers graze my arm. He must know how pissed I am since he hadn’t tried to wrap his arm around my waist.
“I’m sorry sweetie.” He began but I didn’t let him finish.
“Ashley you didn’t trust me! I told you that I would keep the fucking food down even if I didn’t want to and you thought just because I had gone to the bathroom that I was going to puke it up. You didn’t trust me! Any time you have asked me specifically to keep the food in my stomach I have because I love you, but I guess you think I don’t care about you enough to do it.”
Ashley looked at me and he looked like he was going to cry. “Andy, I don’t think you don’t care about me but I know how much you think you need to be skinny for our fans, and me, to love you. I do trust you, I just worry.”
“Ash, I know you’re worried about me but seriously try and trust that I won’t do it please.”
“I want to Andy I really do, but I didn’t know that if I asked you wouldn’t do it. And I really had thought you were going to make it through today but then Jake said you had gone into the bathroom and I flipped. You have no clue how scare I get when you do that.”
“Then tell me Ash.” I said taking his hand and leading him back to where I had been sitting.
He took his hand out of mine once we sat down and folded both his hands in his lap, staring at the ground. “Andy whenever you go into a bathroom, even if it’s a public bathroom and you had said you had to go to the bathroom, I freak out. Every single time I think what if he hits too far and can’t stop puking? What if he goes unconscious from lack of nourishment and I can’t get to him? What if he just dies right there and I don’t know? Andy I don’t want to lose you and this is really not helping you.”
Tears had started forming in my eyes and I know people were staring at us as thy passed. “Ash I’m sorry. I know you don’t want me to die, I don’t want me to either.”
He looked up at me and only said one word: “Why?”
“Why what?” I asked a confused look crossing my face.
“Why do you do it?”
“Ash you know why.”
“Explain to me Andy.”
“I-I felt that for anyone to love me I need to be skinny. I need to make myself puke to feel that I’m in control. If I do that then there’s at least one thing in my life I have control of.” By now tears were streaming down my face and Ashley had once again pulled me into his lap. “And now k-knowing that everyone else knew about it b-but they didn’t even care just didn’t help.”
“Baby I know, I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you, but I did talk to the guys about how they acted. I’m sorry.”
I smiled at him sadly, “You didn’t act like that so I’m not mad at you.”
“Okay,” he said hugging me right as someone walked by and called us fags.
“Hey back off!” Ashley growled at the guy actually making the guy yelp. I didn’t think Ashley was that scary.
“Ashes you scared that guy.” I said with a giggle.
“I’ll scare anyone for you babe. Now let’s go back to the bus, the guys do feel really bad.”
“Do we have too?” I asked him as he pushed me off his lap and stood up.
“Yes we do Andrew.” He said and stuck his hand out.”
I took his hand but stuck my tongue out at him. He rolled his eyes and we walked back to the bus.
When we were standing right outside it I started flipping out.
“Ashley, please don’t make me go in there.”
“Andy these guys are your best friends, there is nothing to flip about.”
“Ashley please.” I said as he opened the door and dragged me into the bus.
“Andy, Ashley?” I heard Jinxx call out.
“Yeah it’s us.” Ashley called, and the rest of the band ran in.
“Oh my God Andy! We are so sorry!” CC yelled as he ran and hugged me really tightly.
Jake and Jinxx followed suit telling me how sorry they were and joining in on the hug.
“Come on ash group hug.” Jake said over his shoulder.
Ashley joined the hug and then we all sort of let go.
“Okay, Andy we are really super sorry.” Jake said as we all sat down in different places.
“It’s really okay; I know I’m a little bit of a handful.”
“But no matter what we love you Andy.” CC said a big smile plastered on his face.
“Too much weight or too little weight we, and our fans, will always love you.” Ashley added.
I smiled at them; this day had started out super shitty but was coming to a good ending.
“One more thing Andy,” Ashley started a serious expression on his face. “Do you promise you will let us help you get over this?”
I looked around at the faces of my band mates. I knew this needed to stop; they would always love me no matter how much of a pain in the ass I was. So there was only one thing I could say.
“I promise.”
Grabbing the mouthwash I heard the guys laughing. Why couldn’t I be like them? I wondered, trying to shake the guilt that was tearing at my insides.
Some days would go on and not have a problem. No depressing thoughts, no need to throw up what I had just ate. Then other days, like this, I needed to feel like I was in control. I needed to feel like I could make myself do whatever I pleased. And those were the days that the depressing thoughts came, the days where I felt so guilty about what I did to myself, and my band mates. Not to mention how bad me needing to feel in control made me feel about the hurt it caused my boyfriend. The control I needed consumed me though. I, Andy Biersack, needed to feel in control.
I wiped my mouth one more time and walked out of the bathroom planning on going to my bunk and staying by myself. Opening the door I heard the guys laugh and CC start talking. I tried to rush past the door to where the guys were but Ashley saw me. “Hey babe!” he called out patting the seat on the couch next to him.
I sighed and sat down next to him knowing if I just kept walking he wouldn’t leave me alone. I didn’t want Ashley to feel bad about what was going through my head. It brought him more pain than he let me know, I could tell.
“Hi Ash.” I said not really focusing.
He looked at me weirdly. “Is there something you need to tell me Andy?”
“No.”
“I can tell there is,” he started, and I opened my mouth to argue but he covered it with his hand. “But I’m not going to bother you about it.”
I smiled at him, a real smile I might add. “Thank you, Ash.”
He wrapped his arm around me and CC suddenly jumped up from where he was sitting. “I’m hungry.”
“CC you’re always hungry.” Jake pointed out making CC pout.
“So what? I’m going to ask when we are pulling over.” He said putting his head up high and walking toward the driver.
Ashley kissed the top of my head and I closed my eyes, feeling a sort of happiness rush over me. But that, of course didn’t last long.
He only loves you for your body. If you put any more weight on your fat ass he’s going to dump you. My annoying depressed conscience reminded me.
I buried my head into Ashley’s shoulder ad felt him hug me tighter. I could deal with my voice telling me I was fat, I couldn’t sing, I was ugly, anything but as soon as it brought Ash into the equation I knew I wasn’t going to be happy for awhile. At least I knew Ashley wouldn’t complain about my varying emotions. He had definitely become better with them since we began dating.
“Come on baby, tell me what’s wrong. Please.” He begged but I just shook my head.
Ashley wrapped both arms around me and pulled me into his lap. Tears had started falling from my eyes and I hated myself for it.
“Come on, let’s go to the bunks.” He said even though around us the guys were back to laughing.
Once we were both sitting in Ashley’s bunk he asked what was wrong again.
“I’m just tired Ash.”
“Bull, I know when you’re tired and when you’re depressed. What did you think this time?”
Damn I wish he didn’t know me as well as he did.
“Exact thought?” I mumbled, hearing it in my head again.
“Only if you remember it sweetie.”
“I-I thought ‘he only loves you for your body. If you p-put any more weight on your fat ass he going to dump you.’”
I didn’t want to say it. I knew if I looked at him he would look hurt, I hated doing that to him.
“Andy, do you seriously think that?” he asked, his voice oozing sadness and hurt.
“No, it’s just, I don’t know Ash.”
“I know baby.” He said and just hugged me.
CC burst into the bunkroom just as I was reaching a sort of happiness again. Does everyone want to ruin my mood today?
“Hey lovebirds!” he shouted.
“What CC?” Ashley replied, he still sounded a little hurt but I didn’t think CC would really notice.
“Guess where we are going?” he said ripping the curtain back. Good thing we hadn’t been naked.
Both Ashley and I groaned. We knew very well where we were going.
“Really? Do we have to go to McDonalds again?” I whined. He made us eat there at least once a day, and that’s how I knew I was going to get fat.
“Yes we do Andrew.”
“Hey, only I get to call him that!” Ashley growled, and even that didn’t faze CC.
“Oh of course Ashley.” He said looking innocent, I knew there was something bad coming though. “Oh Andrew!” he moaned loudly making Ashley and I blush deeply.
“I don’t do that!” Ashley yelled, although he did he just didn’t want CC to know that or use it against him.
“Oh yes you do, well mainly when you guys are in the shower but hey I don’t judge.” He said with a laugh.
“Oh come on CC we aren’t that loud.” I said rolling my eyes, not noticing how much trouble I put myself into with that one.
“Oh, well he isn’t, but we all know you’ve got quite the lungs on you Andy.”
He wouldn’t, I thought as my eyes widened with realization.
“Ashley! Harder Ash harder! Oh my God right there Ashley there!” he moaned attempting not to laugh.
I hoped that would be the end but I knew CC so I knew he saved the worse for last.
“Do me too Ashley!” and with that one he fell to the floor in fits of laughter.
Ashley pulled the curtain back so CC wouldn’t be able to see us blush, well he wouldn’t when he was able to stop laughing.
After a few minutes for us to calm down Ashley looked at me, a serious expression on his face.
“We are going to McDonalds Andy.”
“I know Ash.”
“You’re going to eat right Andy?”
“Yes Ash.”
“And when we get back on the bus you aren’t going to flush what you eat down the toilet?”
“No Ash.”
“Don’t lie to me Andy.”
“I’m not lying to you Ashley.”
“I really hope you aren’t. I don’t want you to leave me before you need to.” The expression that crossed Ashley’s face at that moment made me want to cry. I didn’t want to leave him either.
“I know ash.”
“Come on lets go eat then.”
We climbed off the bus with the others and headed into the fast food place. Why did this place have to be CCs favorite place to eat? Why couldn’t he like Subway? Not that the food would stay down any better but at least then it would be a little healthier.
After ordering our food we all sat down to begin eating. By Ashley’s request I had gotten food, not much but food all the same. I got a five piece chicken nugget with fries and a drink, Ashley, Jake, and Jinxx all got Big Macs with fries and drinks, Jon got a chicken sandwich with fries and a drink, and CC got a ten piece chicken nugget, a Big Mac, fries, a milkshake, and some kind of wrap.
“Damn CC, how can you eat all that?” Ashley asked as CC was halfway through his meal and the rest of us had only barely started eating ours. I think we all shared the same question as Ashley.
Once we had all finished eating I began to feel sick. Seriously sick, not the ‘oh this gives me a reason to make myself throw up’ sick the actual ‘I think I’m about to faint’ sick. But then when I thought about it I felt like that every time I ate, must be since I don’t eat much I’m not used to it.
We all climbed onto the bus and the guys went to the back to play whatever videogame, and I headed to the bunks. I love Ashley with all my heart but I really needed to be aloe for awhile. Not that anyone would notice I was gone.
As soon as my head hit the pillow I fell into a peaceful, happy, sleep. When I woke up, I wasn’t as peaceful and happy though. The sick feeling had faded but now I felt bloated and had a nasty taste in my mouth.
Only planning to wash my mouth out, I was going to keep that promise to Ashley; I passed the door to the back on the bus looking in. The only thing on my friends’ minds was the videogame. How much I wanted to be more like CC sometimes scared me.
I didn’t think anyone had seen my so I kept walking to the bathroom. I didn’t bother closing the door since all I was going to do was brush my teeth. I didn’t feel I needed the door closed. But I sure wished I had closed it.
“Ash your boyfriend just went into the bathroom. You know what that means.” I heard Jake tell Ashley over the noise of their game. Wait the guys knew? I thought only Ashley had known. Did that mean they had known before Ashley and I got together and none of them wanted to help me? What great friends I have.
“What? He told me he wasn’t going to do that this time!” Ashley yelled the disappointment evident in his voice.
I ran out of the bathroom and into the back room where everyone else was. Ashley was standing up looking like he had been about to rush into the bathroom to stop me from what I hadn’t been doing.
“I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth! Can I not go to the bathroom for something innocent like that?” I yelled at them, making my presence know.
“Andy, I just worry about you.” Ashley said looking horror stricken.
“I know Ashley, but I told you earlier I would keep the food down and I wanted to keep that promise but obviously you don’t trust me! And you guys,” I said turning to the others. “Did you know about my problem before Ashley and I got together?”
Jake, Jinxx, and CC wouldn’t meet my eye; I took that as a yes.
“And none of you felt like maybe you should, I don’t know, help me?”
Jake looked up and looked like he wasn’t going to sit and be yelled at. Bring it on Mr. Pitts.
“No offense Andy but none of us wanted to deal with you. You’re worse than a girl on her monthly and ten add your whole food problem, well we just didn’t want to deal with it.”
My mouth dropped. These were my friends, my family, they were supposed to want to help me even in I was annoying.
Tears had started falling down my face and Jon walked in. “Alright guys, we are at the place we are staying at for the night. Go to bed, go get drunk, wander around town, I really don’t care just don’t get lost.”
Those words were exactly what I had needed to hear.
Without looking back or worrying about anything I ran off the bus and kept running until I couldn’t run anymore. I didn’t want to be anywhere near any of them. How could they know what I was going through and not want to help me? I know I change emotions a lot, I know I act as bitchy as a woman on her period but they’re my friends! They should care about that.
By this time tears were streaming down my face and I didn’t care anymore. All I wanted to do was go back to our bus and run into Ashley’s arms. But I couldn’t do that, my pride was too important. I know he worries about me but I told him I’d keep the food in my stomach and he didn’t trust me enough to hold me to my word.
I pulled out my pack of cigarette sand lit one as I sat down on the side of some small town store. The more drags I took the more I swear I could hear Ashley yelling my name. But that couldn’t be right; I had lost him when I ran off. I didn’t even think he had come after me, so somehow I must be going crazy.
“Andy? Andy where are you?” I heard and I ignored it. I must be hearing things, I reasoned.
I threw the butt of my cigarette and pulled out another one. If I was seriously becoming insane from these things should I really light this? I wondered, staring at the unlit cigarette in my hand.
I looked up a little higher than my cigarette and saw a figure clad in leather and studs; Ashley.
So I wasn’t going insane, I thought as I tried thinking of a way to escape. It isn’t good when you start wanting to escape your boyfriend is it? Hm well I don’t care; I guess I could try to run for it. I didn’t really think it would work but it was worth a shot.
I stood up and looked to where Ashley was.
“Andy?” he called out, obviously he hadn’t seen me yet.
I started to walk away, becoming part of the crows. Or at least I was trying too; my outfit didn’t really make that easy.
I had only taken a few steps when I heard from behind me, “Andy? Andy wait up!”
I rolled my eyes and stopped. He had seen me so there was no reason to keep running away. I couldn’t get even an hour alone could I?
“What do you want Ashley?” I asked when I felt his fingers graze my arm. He must know how pissed I am since he hadn’t tried to wrap his arm around my waist.
“I’m sorry sweetie.” He began but I didn’t let him finish.
“Ashley you didn’t trust me! I told you that I would keep the fucking food down even if I didn’t want to and you thought just because I had gone to the bathroom that I was going to puke it up. You didn’t trust me! Any time you have asked me specifically to keep the food in my stomach I have because I love you, but I guess you think I don’t care about you enough to do it.”
Ashley looked at me and he looked like he was going to cry. “Andy, I don’t think you don’t care about me but I know how much you think you need to be skinny for our fans, and me, to love you. I do trust you, I just worry.”
“Ash, I know you’re worried about me but seriously try and trust that I won’t do it please.”
“I want to Andy I really do, but I didn’t know that if I asked you wouldn’t do it. And I really had thought you were going to make it through today but then Jake said you had gone into the bathroom and I flipped. You have no clue how scare I get when you do that.”
“Then tell me Ash.” I said taking his hand and leading him back to where I had been sitting.
He took his hand out of mine once we sat down and folded both his hands in his lap, staring at the ground. “Andy whenever you go into a bathroom, even if it’s a public bathroom and you had said you had to go to the bathroom, I freak out. Every single time I think what if he hits too far and can’t stop puking? What if he goes unconscious from lack of nourishment and I can’t get to him? What if he just dies right there and I don’t know? Andy I don’t want to lose you and this is really not helping you.”
Tears had started forming in my eyes and I know people were staring at us as thy passed. “Ash I’m sorry. I know you don’t want me to die, I don’t want me to either.”
He looked up at me and only said one word: “Why?”
“Why what?” I asked a confused look crossing my face.
“Why do you do it?”
“Ash you know why.”
“Explain to me Andy.”
“I-I felt that for anyone to love me I need to be skinny. I need to make myself puke to feel that I’m in control. If I do that then there’s at least one thing in my life I have control of.” By now tears were streaming down my face and Ashley had once again pulled me into his lap. “And now k-knowing that everyone else knew about it b-but they didn’t even care just didn’t help.”
“Baby I know, I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you, but I did talk to the guys about how they acted. I’m sorry.”
I smiled at him sadly, “You didn’t act like that so I’m not mad at you.”
“Okay,” he said hugging me right as someone walked by and called us fags.
“Hey back off!” Ashley growled at the guy actually making the guy yelp. I didn’t think Ashley was that scary.
“Ashes you scared that guy.” I said with a giggle.
“I’ll scare anyone for you babe. Now let’s go back to the bus, the guys do feel really bad.”
“Do we have too?” I asked him as he pushed me off his lap and stood up.
“Yes we do Andrew.” He said and stuck his hand out.”
I took his hand but stuck my tongue out at him. He rolled his eyes and we walked back to the bus.
When we were standing right outside it I started flipping out.
“Ashley, please don’t make me go in there.”
“Andy these guys are your best friends, there is nothing to flip about.”
“Ashley please.” I said as he opened the door and dragged me into the bus.
“Andy, Ashley?” I heard Jinxx call out.
“Yeah it’s us.” Ashley called, and the rest of the band ran in.
“Oh my God Andy! We are so sorry!” CC yelled as he ran and hugged me really tightly.
Jake and Jinxx followed suit telling me how sorry they were and joining in on the hug.
“Come on ash group hug.” Jake said over his shoulder.
Ashley joined the hug and then we all sort of let go.
“Okay, Andy we are really super sorry.” Jake said as we all sat down in different places.
“It’s really okay; I know I’m a little bit of a handful.”
“But no matter what we love you Andy.” CC said a big smile plastered on his face.
“Too much weight or too little weight we, and our fans, will always love you.” Ashley added.
I smiled at them; this day had started out super shitty but was coming to a good ending.
“One more thing Andy,” Ashley started a serious expression on his face. “Do you promise you will let us help you get over this?”
I looked around at the faces of my band mates. I knew this needed to stop; they would always love me no matter how much of a pain in the ass I was. So there was only one thing I could say.
“I promise.”