This Deafening Silence

I felt a hand on my shoulder again – a doctor, Jack, someone that I didn’t feel like talking to you. “Fuck off!” I yelled. Well, I hope that’s what I yelled, because I couldn’t hear a thing anymore.

I don’t know what happened. I hit my head, I remember that much. Then, somehow, I fell asleep in the ambulance. Apparently, that was really bad and scared the paramedics shitless, because you’re not supposed to sleep after you bruised your head, because at that point they don’t know if it’s a concussion or not, and if it’s a concussion, you could slip into a coma. They said I was lucky. At least, that’s what I could read from their lips. At first, I just kind of gave my ears a good rub. I thought maybe I was just a little shaken up from the show, but no – I was fucking deaf!

I freaked out on them in the ambulance. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t hear the sound of my own voice. I couldn’t hear anything. It was pretty terrifying. I never knew how important my hearing was to me until I lost it, but it goes that way with everything, I guess. Jack poked his head into my room. “You can come in.” I’m pretty sure that’s what I said. Well, I hope so.

Jack sat down beside me, placing a box go tissues on my knees. I blew my nose and dried my eyes. “Jack, have the doctors said anything? Can they fix me? Shit, write it down or talk really, really slow so I can read your lips. Wait, even better, type it out on your phone.” Jack nodded and after a few minutes of typing, he handed me his iPhone.

The doctors don’t know how you became deaf, but they say your ears will heal and your hearing will come back.

“Do they know when it’ll come back? O-Or how long it could take?”

No, I’m sorry.

I swallowed thickly, leaning back on the pillows and covering my eyes with a shaky hand. “Does Maddie know?” Jack only nodded, and I grimaced. “Can you tell her I want to see her?”

She said you told her to “Fuck off” when she came earlier.

My eyes widened and I face palmed. Stupid, stupid Alex. “Is she ok?” Jack could only shrug. “Hey, do I…you know… still sound like myself?” He frowned and I could tell that he replied, “Of course.” I nodded and looked around the room, trying to imagine the noises everything made. I couldn’t, and that got me crying again. I don’t know if I was scared that I couldn’t hear a thing, or mad that I said that to Maddie, but I couldn’t stop crying. I was glad Jack didn’t try to, like, hug me or anything. I just wanted to see that he was here with me.

I was scared to go to sleep that night. I thought it’d be easy to sleep since I couldn’t hear a thing, but the silence was so unsettling. I played around on my phone for a bit. The fans were blowing up my twitter with their concerns, but thankfully no one had leaked that I was now temporarily deaf. I tweeted, “Great home show, as always! Love you guys to death ” before playing some angry birds. That put me to sleep, finally…

But I didn’t sleep long. I relied on my hearing a lot, and I was paranoid without it. I kept waking up throughout the night. I woke up around eight in the morning and gave up on sleep, deciding to just stay awake already.

A nurse brought in some food for me – which I didn’t touch at all, of course. I drank the orange juice, but I really didn’t want to eat the hospital food. I was about to text Jack to bring me some McDonalds when my door opened again and Maddie came in. “Maddie!” She smiled, putting the tray of hospital food somewhere else and placing a bag from Chick-Fil-A on the table. “Maddie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“

She just popped a chicken mini in my mouth to shut me up.