This Deafening Silence

I felt like I was living in a bubble.

When Maddie drove me home with her from the hospital, she turned on the radio. Even though I couldn’t hear it, I already knew she was playing our newest album, “Dirty Work.” She knew I hated the sound of my own voice sometimes. I guess she was taking my deafness as an opportunity to give it a listen… “Hey, Maddie?” I said, and she instantly turned the radio off to look at me.

There were so many things I wanted to say, but I wanted to write it down first and make sure I was saying it right. After all, I couldn’t hear myself anymore. “Light’s green,” I finished lamely, pointing at the intersection and leaning back in my seat. I couldn’t hear the outside world anymore at all. I couldn’t hear my own breathing and heartbeat…but Maddie was right, I could feel it. I could take comfort in that fact and my four other senses, at least.

I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to feel everything instead – the warm suede seats of Maddie’s car, the sun shining through the windshield, the wind from the car’s sunroof wreaking havoc on my hair… And in that brief moment, I could almost, almost imagine the right sounds to go along with everything. But when I opened my eyes the magic was gone.

I felt like my life was a movie and someone pressed the mute button. Damn, I needed to be able to hear so badly.

...How was I supposed to make music if I couldn’t hear it?

Maddie glanced over at me often over the next few minutes of the drive. I appreciated that she was worried, but I wanted to her to act like nothing was wrong with me long enough for me to believe it. It’s all mind over matter, right? Right…

Maddie tapped my shoulder, holding up her notepad again.

Jack, Zack, and Rian are going to come with your stuff from your parents’ house. The story is, you guys are all living together to write music for the new album. Alright?

Wow, if only that story were true. I just nodded and followed her up to her apartment. I hadn’t been here in a while. I loved how messily cute her place was, and how it simply smelled homey, and like her. I sank into her couch, staring at my hands.

My fingertips would forever be callused from playing guitar, but I couldn’t hear myself play anymore, so what was the point of playing? I sighed, cradling my head in my hands. I’d never felt so useless…purposeless…meaningless before. I felt Maddie’s small hands wrap around my wrists, trying to pull my hands off my face, but I wouldn’t let her. She let go after a few minutes, but then she just pulled me into a hug. I hoped to god that all this crying would be out of my system soon.

Maddie stood there and hugged me, but I was sitting, so I hugged her back, crying onto her torso. She didn’t mind, she just ran her fingers through my hair. I’m sure she was saying things to me, but I just couldn’t hear it. I broke the hug to take her notepad and pen, writing something to her, too.

I love you.

Maddie smiled, brushing my tears away, and I could read her lips when she said “I love you too.”

“Even though I’m deaf?” I said aloud, and shock crossed Maddie’s face. She pulled away and shot off into this long, crazy rant. Her lips were moving too fast, and her hand gestures made me think she was going to hit me or something. “Could…you repeat…Could you write…”

Maddie scowled and grabbed the notepad and pen back.

“No matter what happens to you, I will always love you, you dumbass” sums up everything I just said.

I sighed, wishing I could’ve heard all the things she really said, but just lay down on the couch and stretched my arms out to her. “Come cuddle, Maddie.”

She glanced at the door momentarily, but I pulled her onto the couch with me, kissing her in the process.