This Deafening Silence

I scrubbed hard at my skin with the soap, but it didn’t make me feel any cleaner. This is twice now that I’ve cheated on Maddie, this offense so much worse than the last. Dammit!

After my shower, I toweled myself dry and changed into some underwear, jean shorts, and a shirt before slowly opening the door in case Maddie decided to chuck another object at me… but she wasn’t even in the apartment at all. I swore loudly just because I felt like it. However, someone did hear me – Baz, and he was jumping on me, obviously barking happily. I kneeled down with a sigh, but smiled when he started jumping up to lick my face. At least somebody still loved me.

I decided to go out for a walk with Baz. I grabbed his leash off the counter and made sure to lock up before we went off. I hadn’t been out by myself in such a long time. I was usually afraid to go out by myself because I was deaf, and who knows what could happen to me? I actually don’t even care anymore. Right now, I could get mugged, beat up, and left for dead in a ditch on the side of the road where no one would find me…and that thought didn’t raise any red flags.

If I was honest with myself, my only real fear was losing Maddie…and now I’m starting to think I have.

When the realization struck, it was like I had the breath knocked out of me, too. My heart tightened in my chest, and I just, I was hurting all over. This was the same feeling I got when Maddie was hospitalized. It hurt much more this time, because this time I lost her through no other fault but my own. I had to sit down at a bench in the park to recollect myself before I started sobbing.

Whoa, the weight of responsibility was really pressing down on me. This was completely, totally, utterly my fault. Usually if Maddie and I had problems we worked them out together because we were always both a bit at fault. I had to fix this on my own, somehow…that is, if Maddie would even let me try.

Really, though – how the hell did Jasey of all people get into our apartment? Sighing deeply once the urge to cry had subsided, I decided to text all my friends.



Everyone replied with back “no”… except for Zack.



When I saw that, I was slick about to chuck my phone at the tree across from me. Stupid loud fucking Bailey and her stupid loud fucking mouth. None of us really liked Bailey all that much, even back in high school. She just didn’t seem right with Zack, and I’m sure we still all feel somewhat the same way. Deep down, I knew I shouldn’t be this angry with Bailey, either. Jasey tricked me, so why wouldn’t she do the same to Bailey?



Right after I sent Zack that message, he called me. Scowling, I ignored it. Getting up from the bench, I took hold of Baz’s leash again and started walking in the general direction of the TCBY. I would get there in a few minutes. The walk and the air cleared up and cooled off my head. Why would Zack call me, knowing I’m deaf? Dumbass. He called two more times, and I ignored both calls again, so he finally got the hint.









Zack swung by a good fifteen minutes later. He was talking a lot, but I didn’t bother listen to a word he said or pay attention to him whatsoever. I just wanted to find Maddie and apologize and pray to god she takes me back… but first, we had to bring Baz home before we started searching for her. The other guys were helping, too.

Rian checked the animal shelter, and she wasn’t there. Jack checked the Paper Moon Diner, but she wasn’t there. I thought maybe she’d run over to Bailey’s, but she wasn’t there, either. Besides, Zack and Bailey live together, and Zack would have told me if Maddie was with them. I was really starting to get worried, so we regrouped at our apartment complex.

…Maddie was missing for a whole fucking week. The only way I knew she was safe was Bailey. Apparently, she was still in contact with Bailey, at least. Well, not really. The day Maddie went missing was the day Bailey got a text from Maddie instructing her to tell me that she was staying somewhere else for a while, and that was all any of us ever heard from her.

I never stopped looking for her those miserable seven days, though. My friends took turns helping me – more like chauffeuring me wherever I thought Maddie might turn up because I wasn’t supposed to drive. By the ninth night, I was starting to think about calling off the search…

Zack parked and killed the engine before he turned to face me. “Look, Alex, stop stressing yourself out. Maddie obviously doesn’t want to see you right now. You need to rest. We can look some more tomorrow. I’m sure she’s fine. Probably just crashing at a friend’s.” I didn’t pay attention to what he said after that, though, because my attention was captured by the madness in the other end of the parking lot of the apartment complex.

I straightened in my seat as Zack drove and parked by one of the cop cars so I could see what was going on, but I wish I hadn’t done that.

All the police and paramedics were surrounding Maddie’s car.

Zack tried to stop me from getting out of his car, but I was too fast, and even then no one could hold me back from my Maddie-bear at a time like this. I unbuckled in a flash and threw the door open, running to her car, only to be stopped short by a police man. “Excuse me; where do you think you’re going?”

“Please, sir, that’s my girlfriend’s car! What happened?”

He looked at me for a moment before slowly releasing his hold on my collar and explaining the situation, which involved a lot of words that I didn’t understand. I read his lips just fine when he started with “We found her unconscious in the car” but after that I he was talking too fast and I was lost.

“Sir, please speak slower; I’m deaf.” It was the first time I admitted being deaf to anyone other than my closest friends. It was a little nerve wracking, but once I finally did it, I felt…so relieved. Like, if I could say it to this random police officer, maybe I could tell my parents…

The police man nodded and spoke slower, even making hand gestures to go along with his explanation this time around. “We found her unconscious in the car with blood everywhere – on the carpet, on the seat, on her clothes… She slit her wrists so deeply so many times.” My heart plummeted straight down to the soles of my feet and I tiredly rubbed my face. Not again, Maddie-bear, not again…

“She’s alright though, isn’t she?” I asked desperately, trying to see into the ambulance. The cop sighed and looked at me with pity in his eyes before motioning for me to follow him to the ambulance. He had me stay a good distance away, but I could see Maddie’s thin frame on the gurney, the sleeves of her gray cardigan soaked through with her own blood. The paramedics were rolling her sleeves up and cleaning the wounds. It must have hurt, because Maddie started jerking around and another paramedic had to restrain her. I felt my hands clench into fists. I really hated when people touched Maddie.

The policeman spoke to the paramedics, who in turn spoke to Maddie, who then…shook her head. The policeman walked back over to me, looking mildly irritated. “She says she doesn’t have a boyfriend.”

It suddenly felt like somebody threw me into an ice bath. “No, I am her boyfriend. She’s just, she’s just not herself because of the blood loss. Please, can I ride in the ambulance with her?”

“Sorry,” he said with a shrug as he helped the paramedics shut the ambulance doors.

Swearing, I was about to run on over and just hop onto the back of the ambulance, but Jack, Zack, and Rian held me back. “Let me go! We have to go to Maddie!”

“Yeah, Alex, we will. We will follow the ambulance, alright?” Jack assured me, walking with me to his car.

I’d never been so afraid.