Best Friends

I was walking down the street, with my iPod on.
Trying to block out everyone worked, while I was blasting
music through my earphones.

I felt like I had some serious issues.
Thinking about what happened only a week before,
my stomach flinched.
I just couldn't figure out if it was a good or
a bad flinch.

When I felt someone tapping my shoulder,
I whirled around, ready to punch him or her.
When I saw who it was, I felt my stomach again.

"Jamie. You scared the crap out of me."
I said, my earphones around my neck, now.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to. I saw you walking and
called you a few times and you didn't respond.
Thought that maybe you were ignoring me."
he said with a slight smile.

"No, I actually couldn't hear you."
I said, turning around and walking again.

"But you are still ignoring me."
Jamie said, falling into step beside me.

I sighed.
I knew this was going to happen.
And I knew it was all my own fault.

"I don't think I am."
I responded, looking to my right.

"I think you are. You haven't answered any of my
calls and your texts are really short. Oh, and I'm
pretty sure you were home when I came by last friday."
he said, his hands in his pocket, gaze on the road ahead.

I sighed and stopped walking.
"I'm sorry. Okay? I just.. I've had alot on my mind and I
needed to be alone for a while. I still do."

"If you just said so, I would've given you some space."
Jamie said, standing opposite me.

"I know you would've but.. I.."
I was lost for words.

"You needed to be away from me."
he said, sounding sad. It wasn't even
a question, it was more of a statement.

"I needed to be away from you because I needed
to know how we'd go on, after what we did."
I said, blushing a bit.

"As best friends, like we have been for the past 10 years?"
Jamie asked, walking away now.

I almost had to run to catch up with him again.

"How can we, Jamie?"
I wanted to know.
"Can you still look at me the same? What we did was
something best friends aren't supposed to do!"

"Don't you think I know that? But it happened, and we
can't do anything about it."
he said, slowing his pace.

I wanted him to look at me, so I grabbed his hand and pulled
on it, so he'd stand still.

"I know. And that's what scares me. Aren't you?"
I said, not letting go of his hand.

"No, I'm not. I'm happy with the way we are.
I'm glad it happened, because I've loved you
for 10 years as my best friend. How could it not
feel right with you?"
he said, wiping some of my hair behind my ear.

"I'm not saying it didn't feel right. And I'm not
saying I regret it. I just think we should've thought
about it because now things are weird between us.
I know that's because of me but I don't know to be
normal with you anymore."
I said, my eyes filling themselves with tears.
"We slept together, Jamie. And you know how
I feel about being so close to someone.
My thoughts are all over the place and I don't
know what to do."

I looked into his blue eyes and then I turned around,
walking away from him.

"Sky, come on. Don't walk away like that. Please!"
Jamie yelled, but I kept walking.

I really didn't want to hurt him but I was content
with the way our friendship was.
And then we had to go and sleep together.
We weren't even drunk and that was what scared me even
more. What if I always wanted to be with him like
that? What if I had feelings for him that went beyond
friendship? I had no idea what to think or what to do
to make me come to some sort of conclusion.

I grabbed my phone and quickly sent a text to Jamie.

I'm sorry. Can you meet me at the park at 7? x

I only hoped that he'd be there.
Shutting my phone off, I walked home and
took a long, warm shower.

I thought about what happened the rest of the day,
calling in sick at work.
When I had my dinner ready, I took a few bites
and then threw it all away. It was a waste but I couldn't
bring myself to eat more.

When it was 6:30 I decided to go to the park,
bringing a book with me. It was twilight now,
It wouldn't be long before it was going to be dark.
If I was lucky, I could read for a half an hour and
then put the book away because Jamie was there.

Walking to the park, I went to the spot I always sat.
It was near the big pond and I always sat against a big
tree there. In summer, it was the perfect spot; shade yet
warm.

Sighing, I opened the book and tried to read.
But I closed it after what seemed like my hundreth attempt.
I couldn't think of anything but Jamie.

I decided that I was going to wing it.
Not knowing what to do, I was just going to wait for him to
arrive and see how I felt and try to explain him.

I had my phone off, still. I forgot to turn it on again, so I did
it now.

I had a few missed calls, all were from Jamie.
And I had one text, so I opened it.

See you at 7. x

My smile slightly faded, seeing his response. Mostly
he texted me novels. This was one sentence.
My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach.
I hoped I didn't ruin everything between him and me.

I'd been lost in thought for a while until my phone
went off, signalling I had a text.
I opened it and I frowned.

Meet me at your place. x

"My place?"
I wondered to myself, while getting up.
He had a key to the apartment, in case of emergencies
so he could come in whenever he liked.

Walking over to my apartment I tried to think
of reasons why he wanted to meet me there.
I couldn't come up with anything so I decided to
just walk in and see what was up.

When I was at the door, I unlocked it and stepped
in to a sea of light.

My mouth dropped and my eyes popped wide open.
The lights were off but there were candles lit
all over my apartment.

Jamie was lighting the last candle and turned around
with a smile.

"Hey you."
he said after blowing out the match he used.

"Hey. What..?"
I wanted to say something but I couldn't think
of any of the words I'd learn as a little kid.

"I'm sorry about not being more understanding this
afternoon. I do know how you think about being
intimate with someone and I should've given you
your space. So I hope this is enough for you to
forgive me for being a douche."
Jamie said, smiling nervously.

"I really don't understand at all. I am the one who should
be apologizing. I was a downright bitch to you and you
didn't deserve it. And now you go and do this. Why?"
I asked.

"Because I don't want to lose you as a friend, Sky.
You mean the world to me and if friends is all we can
be, that's fine. I'd rather be your friend than your nothing."
he said, rubbing his eyes.

I walked over to him and placed his head between my
hands. Looking him dead in the eye, I realised he looked
pretty miserable.

"You will never be my nothing."
I said before wrapping my arms around his neck.
"You could've just said this, Jamie. I didn't know you
felt this way."

I broke away from the hug but stayed close to him.

"I don't sleep around, either. If I go that far, the girl
has to mean alot to me. I've been in love with you
for a while now but I didn't know how to tell you."
Jamie said, his forehead against mine.

I closed my eyes.
Why didn't I see it?
Why couldn't I figure out that Jamie felt that way about
me?

"I'm scared, Jamie."
I whispered, thoughts tumbling around in my head.

"Scared of what?"
he wanted to know, kissing my forehead.

"Scared of what I feel. I have this weird feeling
in my stomach and I don't know if it's a good or
a bad feeling. But most of all I'm scared of what
will happen if I tell you how I feel about you."
I said, looking at him.

It never occurred to me that my best friend was
also the guy I felt most comfortable with.
He was the one I'd run to, no matter what.

"You could try to tell me?"
he said, smiling.

"I don't know how.."
I started but then cleared my throat.
"You've been with me for 10 years, through everything.
We were there for each other through our first break-ups,
first kisses, first times, everything.
You were there for me when my mom passed away and my
dad remarried to Cecile. You know everything about me
and you were the best friend I could always rely on.
And I was okay with that, you know?
There was hardly any sexual tension between us and now
all that changed because of one night. I don't want to lose
this friendship. And that's what holding me back."

I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders,
finally I said what I wanted to say.

"We'll always be friends. And if you don't want to be more,
that's okay. I just wanted to tell you how I felt. It doesn't
mean you have to feel the same way. Either way, you'll always
be the one I'll talk to."
Jamie said, his eyes glistening in the candle light.

"Promise?"
I asked, uncertain.

"Promise."
Jamie said, his fingertips tracing my jawline.

The tingles in my stomach started again at his touch
and I decided right there and then.

I leaned in and placed my lips on his, gently.
It was a peck on the lips but it made me smile.

"Okay."
I said, looking at him and realizing how gorgeous he
looked.

"Okay?"
he said, with a big smile.

"Yeah, okay."
I said, smiling at him as well.
"You look way too excited."

"Well, it's not everyday that the girl you've
loved for a while decides to take a chance with
you. Yeah, I'm excited. We're going to be great together,
Sky. I just know it."
he said, kissing me now.

Jamie placed his hand behind my hand, in my neck to
deepen the kiss even more.

When he broke away I pouted.
"What are you doing? I'm not done kissing you."

"I love you, Sky."
he said, kissing my forehead.
"As a friend, I mean. No worries, I know we've
only been a couple for 5 minutes."

I laughed and hugged him close.
"I love you too, Jamie."

"How about a movie? I brought a few good ones."
he said, grabbing my hand and leading me to my couch.

"Sure. Just put one in, I'm sure I'll like it."
I said, sitting down.

He put the DVD on and sat next to me.
I cuddled next to him, while throwing a blanket over the
both of us.

"I could get used to this."
I said, kissing Jamie's neck.

"Dangerous area. Don't go there."
Jamie said, his eyes closed.

I laughed.
"Fine, I'll go there after the movie."

Jamie looked at me and I just smiled sweetly at him.
"Sounds like a good plan."
he responded, gently pecking my lips.

Watching the movie, I had the feeling in my stomach again.
Finally I understood that it were the butterflies, awakened
by Jamie. I'd never had it this bad so I didn't recognize it
in the beginning. But now I did.
And I loved those butterflies.