The Panacea

I am hundreds of feet off the ground, standing at the edge of my apartment building’s roof. No one has noticed my figure against the darkening sky.

I am looking down. The street is dotted with cars.

I am deciding how to do it, and I decide to just fall forward instead of jumping.

I am closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, and I let myself go.

I am seeing my entire life flash before my very eyes.

I am born. I am thrust from the comforting darkness I had known into a world that is too bright, and I am new.

I am eating orangey mush. Mom sits before me, making funny faces. When I laugh, she inserts the spoon into my mouth, and I spit most of the mush out. She wipes my chin with an orange-stained cloth.

I am in the living room. The furniture is much larger than me. Mom is clapping, and she beckons me to her, saying my name over and over. I take my first steps.

I am standing before a one-story building that has colorful flowers planted by the door. Mom calls it “school.” I am scared, but she says it will be okay, and I trust her. I trust her completely.

I am in a playground. I am sitting in a swing, but the swing does not move. A girl walks toward me and introduces herself as Jane. I am intrigued.

I am with Jane, walking into our first day of middle school. She says it will be okay, and I trust her. I trust her completely.

I am wondering. I ask Mom who my father is. She turns away and says that he is dead, so it does not matter. I am hurt.

I am wearing a blue gown with dressy clothes underneath. We are in a crowd of these gowns. Jane says something to me over the din, but I do not know what she is saying. Then, we throw our mortarboards into the sky.

I am in a hospital room with Jane by my side. Mom is lying in the bed, tubes coming from her nose. I know she does not have much time left. She tells me she is sorry, and she is gone. Jane comforts me to the best of her ability.

I am in the living room with Jane. I feel Mom’s ring loose in my pocket. My heart is beating fast, and I am scared of her answer. I ask Jane to marry me. She says no, I’m her best friend, and I am broken.

I am drunk. I find no purpose in life. I want to die. The front door of my apartment opens without a knock, and there is Jane. Her husband has just left her for a younger, richer woman. She is crying. I comfort her to the best of my ability. She kisses me, her face wet with tears, and we make love.

I am with Jane again. She looks beautiful in white. Together, we say the words that bind us together for eternity.

I am in a doctor’s office. He tells us that Jane has cancer of the ovaries. She cannot have children. Jane cries, and I comfort her to the best of my ability.

I am with her. Our apartment is void of children we had hoped to have, but we are happy together, even though Jane is ill. Her hand is warm in mine.

I am in a hospital room again. My eyes are filled with tears. Jane is there, but she does not move. Her eyes are open, but they do not see.

I am dressed in a black suit. Jane is lowered into the ground. Hands reach out to me, but I ignore them. I am broken.

I am in our bedroom, a gun in my hand. I am done with this life. I hold the gun to my head, my finger on the trigger. I am scared. I put the gun back into the nightstand’s drawer. I miss her so much it hurts.

I am standing on the roof of my apartment building. I close my eyes, fall forward, and I am born.