Confessions
1/1
Hastily wiping a tear away from his eye, Dean turned around to make sure nobody was watching him. He grabbed the remote control and flipped off the Spanish soap opera. Sighing to himself, he leaned back on the couch and slowly propped his slowly, but healing leg on a pillow. Trying to relax, he closed his eyes and was about to drift off, when a voice spoke.
“I know how you feel Dean.”
Dean was startled out of his wits. He nearly fell of the small couch but just caught himself in time. “Dude, you almost gave me a heart attack. Not cool Sammy.”
Sam walked out of the kitchen and took a seat at the small table in the living room. He put his elbow on the wooden top and rested his chin in his palm before gazing back at his older brother. “Sorry if I freaked you out like that, but you have to stop avoiding the situation Dean.”
“What situation?”
Sam sighed. “You know what I’m talking about.”
Dean fidgeted around before finally getting into a decent sitting position. He turned around and saw that Sam was staring at him. “What?”
“I know how you feel,” Sam repeated. Dean had a confused look on his face and Sam raised an eyebrow. “I decided to do this while Bobby wasn’t around even though I’m sure he’s already aware of it.”
Dean was really started to get freaked out by this point. “Was it because I was watching that soap opera? Because you know I was only watching it because that’s the only channel that’s half way decent.”
“No it’s not about that.”
“Well what is it?” Dean asked, his voice getting a little louder. He was starting to become frustrated with how Sam was being all omniscient.
“It’s about Cas.”
Dean’s heart instantly began beating faster and he became flustered all over. His mind was racing and he felt like he was going to explode. Just hearing that name made Dean feel a thousand different ways. He had bottled up his feelings for the last three years and he wasn’t about to go spilling them now. Not to Sam, not to anyone. Gulping, Dean shook his head. “What about him? He’s gone.”
“You don’t believe that.”
“What’s that suppose to mean?”
“You know deep down that Cas isn’t gone. I don’t even think he’s gone. But I see you sometimes and I know that you’re thinking about him. You’ve always been obvious with your feelings.”
“What feelings?” Dean asked even though he was already aware of the answers. He was just hoping that Sam didn’t know.
“I saw how you and him use to look at each other. And the other week when you got his coat out of the water and held it close. I thought you were never going to let go of it. Don’t forget the other day when Bobby’s house burnt down and you were worried about the coat getting ruined even though you knew that you left in the car. You loved him Dean. Don’t hide it.”
“You need to shut up Sam and mind your own business,” Dean said with an edge to his voice. Everything that Sam had said had hit Dean like a brick wall because it was all true. He wasn’t ready for confrontation.
“I’m trying to help you Dean. You’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Sooner or later you’re going to crack and it isn’t going to be fine.”
Dean let his walls fall. “I just miss him so damn Sammy. Cas meant the world to me and I just can’t do this anymore. I just want him back. I need him back.”
Sam felt bittersweet. He was glad that he got his brother got his secret off his chest, but he knew that Dean was grieving. Sam got up from his chair and went sat next to Dean on the couch. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”
“Is this how you felt when Jessica died?” Dean asked. His green eyes were full of tears and his voice was chalked with emotion.
Sam slowly nodded his head. “It felt worse than when I was in Lucifer’s cage,” he admitted. “But this is Cas we’re talking about. He’s an angel and I know he’ll come back. On the other hand, Jessica was just a human, but she was everything to me and she’s never left. You’ll get through this Dean, I know you will. You’ve always been my big brother and you can do anything.”
Dean took a deep breath and quickly thought things over. “You’re right Sam,” he started weak, but voice became steadier. “I do care about Cas, in that way. He means so much to me. Ever since he’s been gone, there’s something that’s just eating me away inside. There’s this void and it’s killing me. I’m sorry to lay this so thick on ya Sammy, but it feels good to admit it.”
Sam put a hand on Dean’s shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile. Even though the roles were reversed and it was Sam confronting Dean, things felt better than they had in a long time. It almost felt like things were going back to normal. As normal as two broken boys could be.
“I know how you feel Dean.”
Dean was startled out of his wits. He nearly fell of the small couch but just caught himself in time. “Dude, you almost gave me a heart attack. Not cool Sammy.”
Sam walked out of the kitchen and took a seat at the small table in the living room. He put his elbow on the wooden top and rested his chin in his palm before gazing back at his older brother. “Sorry if I freaked you out like that, but you have to stop avoiding the situation Dean.”
“What situation?”
Sam sighed. “You know what I’m talking about.”
Dean fidgeted around before finally getting into a decent sitting position. He turned around and saw that Sam was staring at him. “What?”
“I know how you feel,” Sam repeated. Dean had a confused look on his face and Sam raised an eyebrow. “I decided to do this while Bobby wasn’t around even though I’m sure he’s already aware of it.”
Dean was really started to get freaked out by this point. “Was it because I was watching that soap opera? Because you know I was only watching it because that’s the only channel that’s half way decent.”
“No it’s not about that.”
“Well what is it?” Dean asked, his voice getting a little louder. He was starting to become frustrated with how Sam was being all omniscient.
“It’s about Cas.”
Dean’s heart instantly began beating faster and he became flustered all over. His mind was racing and he felt like he was going to explode. Just hearing that name made Dean feel a thousand different ways. He had bottled up his feelings for the last three years and he wasn’t about to go spilling them now. Not to Sam, not to anyone. Gulping, Dean shook his head. “What about him? He’s gone.”
“You don’t believe that.”
“What’s that suppose to mean?”
“You know deep down that Cas isn’t gone. I don’t even think he’s gone. But I see you sometimes and I know that you’re thinking about him. You’ve always been obvious with your feelings.”
“What feelings?” Dean asked even though he was already aware of the answers. He was just hoping that Sam didn’t know.
“I saw how you and him use to look at each other. And the other week when you got his coat out of the water and held it close. I thought you were never going to let go of it. Don’t forget the other day when Bobby’s house burnt down and you were worried about the coat getting ruined even though you knew that you left in the car. You loved him Dean. Don’t hide it.”
“You need to shut up Sam and mind your own business,” Dean said with an edge to his voice. Everything that Sam had said had hit Dean like a brick wall because it was all true. He wasn’t ready for confrontation.
“I’m trying to help you Dean. You’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Sooner or later you’re going to crack and it isn’t going to be fine.”
Dean let his walls fall. “I just miss him so damn Sammy. Cas meant the world to me and I just can’t do this anymore. I just want him back. I need him back.”
Sam felt bittersweet. He was glad that he got his brother got his secret off his chest, but he knew that Dean was grieving. Sam got up from his chair and went sat next to Dean on the couch. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”
“Is this how you felt when Jessica died?” Dean asked. His green eyes were full of tears and his voice was chalked with emotion.
Sam slowly nodded his head. “It felt worse than when I was in Lucifer’s cage,” he admitted. “But this is Cas we’re talking about. He’s an angel and I know he’ll come back. On the other hand, Jessica was just a human, but she was everything to me and she’s never left. You’ll get through this Dean, I know you will. You’ve always been my big brother and you can do anything.”
Dean took a deep breath and quickly thought things over. “You’re right Sam,” he started weak, but voice became steadier. “I do care about Cas, in that way. He means so much to me. Ever since he’s been gone, there’s something that’s just eating me away inside. There’s this void and it’s killing me. I’m sorry to lay this so thick on ya Sammy, but it feels good to admit it.”
Sam put a hand on Dean’s shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile. Even though the roles were reversed and it was Sam confronting Dean, things felt better than they had in a long time. It almost felt like things were going back to normal. As normal as two broken boys could be.